There is nothing more saddening to me than suffering. I have been through bullying throughout my entire life, constantly being put down. I was always told I’m not good enough, I’m ugly, I should kill myself. I’d tell my dad and he’d complain about me telling him. So I stopped. The bullying worsened then it slowly stopped. It completely stopped by the time I hit 10th grade. But I kept getting bullied, not by teenagers, nope. My dad bullied me more than asshole, hormonal teenage boys and girls. He would make fun of me for being fat since I ate a lot, my acne, my nose and lips and forehead and feet and hair and small breasts. Anything he could.
I was suffering. I would lay in bed tossing and turning just staring blankly at the wall, out my window, at the ceiling, just replaying every mean word said to me. When my dad found out I was suicidal, he got in an ARGUMENT with me about it. He literally handed me a blade and told me to do it, to slit my wrists. I told him to fuck off.
From there on, it worsened. I would cry myself to sleep at 4 a.m., needing to wake up two hours later for school. I’d tell my best friend I am scared to go home, not knowing what kind of mood he would be in. I suffered, every single day.
Not many people know what true suffering is like. I do, and I know people who do. If you know what it’s like to suffer, I feel so sincerely sorry for you. If you’re suicidal, I am going to explain to you why you should live, what to look forward to.
You know this thing called life? It’s something that’s total bullshit, I know. So many things can happen, everything unexpected could possibly happen. Well that’s what happens with love, you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time. When you’re suicidal, love, life, doesn’t matter to you. You can kill yourself, the yourself you don’t like. The part of you that’s destroying you. You can kill that, and continue living. Life is unexpected right? Everything usually is. Well today you could be suffering but tomorrow could be the ‘one day’ you’ve been hoping for.
There is so much in life to hate, I know. But without hate, there can’t be love, and vice versa. There’s no light without darkness, there’s no happiness without sadness. You can’t choose one. Life is something you must accept. You know why? No, you don’t. Neither do I, not many people do. Let’s say I’m no longer suicidal because something unexpected happened. I took charge of my life. I showed my best friend my marks from my father. I stopped self-harming. It took a long ass fucking time but life changed. Life is a bitch, I’ll tell you that, but she is one of the most amazing things to happen.
Life gives you your favorite smells, colors, tastes, music, feelings. Whether it’s the snow in the winter falling on your tongue or the hot coffee warming your fingers, opening your sleep muddled eyes. From playing your favorite brand new video game to hiking through the woods. It can be anything. Life is motherfucking life, not many change it. People don’t die from suicide because they want to, on a whim. They die because they’re in pain.
If you’re in pain, you [usually] want it to stop. Well, a great way to stop the pain and get some pleasure from this fucker called life is you have to grab it by the balls in your own way. Whether it’s slowly, by changing bits and pieces of yourself, or all at once, by completely changing your attitude, you can change your life. If you’re suicidal, and you think no one cares, there is always someone who does. You just have to find them. Maybe they’re right here.