Monkey News: A Monkey Conspiracy

Foreword: I was inspired to write this by Karl Pilkington's recurring feature of monkey news on the "Ricky Gervais Show." Don't take any of the following seriously; I gave this as a speech once and some people thought it was real (*facepalm*).

Monkey News: A Monkey Conspiracy

Have you ever wondered how text messages are sent from cell phone to cell phone? I looked into it, did some research, and figured out how it works. When you hit send, your cell phone emits a kind of radio wave which goes out into space to the nearest satellite. Now, there are many satellites in space so the radio transmission is relayed to a central location at a space station. Piles and piles of information flows into here and you need someone to manage all of this. Who do you think they’ve hired for such an important job?

Monkeys. Oh yeah, there are a bunch of monkeys in space shipping and handling your text messages by computers. They locate the receiver and relay the radio transmission to a satellite nearest the receiver. Then the satellite sends the message to the other person’s cell phone. Now, you may wonder how they trained the monkeys to do this. Well, for every 1000 messages they successfully send in a row they are rewarded with a banana that pops out of a shute.

While they’re up there, they also connect cell phone calls between people, wherever they may be on earth, in a similar way as to how they manage text messages. If you have doubts about this, I have evidence to support this claim. Have you ever had interference during a call on a cell phone? Sometimes you can hear someone talking in the background but you can’t quite pick out what they’re saying, almost as if they’re speaking another language. Monkeys! Have you ever gotten a random call from an unknown number but all you can hear on the other end is the sound of someone breathing into a phone? Monkeys!

This research made me curious, and a bit worried, about other things. My mind wandered to how electronic e-mail messages are managed. There’s no space station involved here – no, that would be ludicrous! But I discovered that e-mails also go through shipping and handling by monkeys.

I wouldn’t tell you this without evidence or else you would think I was crazy. Have you ever had an e-mail sent multiple times or not sent at all? That’s a tired monkey on the job; there are a lot of e-mails to manage and it wears them out sometimes. Have you ever gotten a bunch of random, weird junk e-mails? That’s monkeys having a laugh. Apparently, they’re a fan of diet pills and Viagra.

...I can tell just what you’re thinking right now:

Who hired monkeys to do such important jobs?

It had to be someone in a high position, but it would be hard to find information on something so conspiratorial. I had to do some detective work and I think I’ve found an answer:

George Bush.

C’mon, surely you’ve noticed that he looks like a monkey. I mean, just look at this side-by-side:

And if you overlap the images:

Clearly, George Bush is just a shaved monkey. Imagine: for a while, the USA was governed by him; the United States was ran by a monkey. George Bush is long gone, but now we have a new contender:

I wonder what the future has in store for us?


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