-Issues with Math,Spelling,and Grammar
By now I'm sure this mytake has proven how horrible my grammar and spelling is.I haven't corrected anything I've typed.So that way y'all can see the words i struggle to spell.Along with how I suck at using grammar correctly.I'm really horrible at understanding math.I don't know why but my brain can not comprehend most things about math.The numbers give me a headache and I become dizzy.
-Trouble pronouncing words
This one has really started to make me really sad lately.Noticing how horrible I am trying to understand how to pronounce words.I end up feeling extremely stupid and become angry when others seem me struggling trying to say them.Which I've had others say to me,"How can you not pronounce them?I mean they aren't that hard to read." Shut the fucking hell up other wise I will rip your head off.I don't give a damn if it's easy for you.I'm struggling my ass off trying to say the damn stupid words!I've struggled with this since I was born!This makes me hate reading infront of others.I don't want them seeing this at all.I rather be physically tortured than have people see that.I'm 24 years old I should be able to pronounce these fucking words!Though the reality is that doesn't matter.I still struggle.
-trouble with reading comprehension
Not only do I struggle pronouncing words.I even have trouble understanding the concept of what I'm reading.Sure I see the words but my brain doesn't understand what all of it is supposed to mean.I can't imagine the picture it's describing.I don't understand what it's saying to do at all.This is the reason why I can never learn anything by myself.I end up never understanding what I'm reading to begin with.Sure they can be explaining on what I should be doing.Still their explanation isn't good enough.Since I still have no idea what they mean by their explanation.Which I become angry and pissed off since everyone else can figure it out easily.Probably just proves more how i'm so fucking stupid compared to every other god damn person!
-Learning disabilities in motor skills
A lot of times my brain isn't able to give output of information.Meaning when I want to move a certain way.I'm not physically able to.It's like my brain forgot how I'm supposed to do it.Even though i know I do know since I have done it before.Yet at a lot of times My brain just isn't able to do it.So I feel stuck inside my head.
-Learning disabilities in language
Basically like I said earlier.I have issues understand what I read.Same goes with the things I hear.Even if I hear the person word for word.My brain isn't able to put a connection into what they mean.so I end up asking what do they mean over and over.Then that person becomes angry and yells at me.So now I'm just to scared to ask them what they mean.I rather be in the dark trying to figure it out than ask them.I can't stand the yelling anymore!
So another thing part of the combined mental disorder of adhd and autism.It causes me to also have.Auditory processing disorder and Visual processing disordeWhich both adhd and austims both tend to have these learning disorders in common.
-sense of underachievement
Oh god we are getting into the serious shit now.Which this one haunts me 24/7 ever since I was born.Feeling so horribly underachieved.Since I've always struggled with school.Hence the Learning disorder part.
-doesn’t deal well with frustration
This one is extremely true.I can't deal with fustration at all.It causes this weird pressure to build up in my head.Then I don't know how to fix the fustrated feeling.So then I end up taking it out on anyone close to me.Since I don't know how to figure it out.I don't understand my own fustration 99% of the time.Which causes me to feel even more fustrated.The learning disability and all the comes with adhd and autism doesn't help.Since all of that causes frustration too.I become frustrated with what i can't seem to understand,learn,etc.The fustration turns into hate against yourself after a point.
-irritability or mood swings
Sleep is the worst enemy possible in causing this to happen.Which with people with adhd sleeping well is impossible.So you are always irritated and moody on the days you sleep even worse than before.Everything ends up making you irritated.Being in physical pain makes you irriated.The clothes you wear makes you irriated.Every sound you hear possible makes you irritated.
-hypersensitivity to criticism
This one has more to do with if they are criticising me and it's thanks to my disorder.I will feak the hell out if someone calls me stupid.I can't handle when someone critisizes me about my intelligence.I already know to others I probably comes off as horribly stupid.thanks to all the handicaps I have thanks to the disorder.It's like they think they are better than me and are so fucking smart.I seriously want to rip everything that is inside them and make them regret ever doing that to me.I have such a strong hatred for those people.Mainly because I don't want them to be right.Deep down I feel like they probably are.that i'm just to stupid compared to everyone else.That i just can't seem to figure anything out yet everyone else can.I'm just a stupid,pathetic,broken girl.
-short, often explosive, temper
yeah this happens a lot.Which I end up doing a lot that I regret.Along with saying things I don't mean and doing some really horrible things to people out of the temper episodes.Once I just blew up over something my brother said once.He was like around 5 years old at the time.So I was like 11 or so.Anywyas all I remember was what he said and just his existence pushed me over the edge.Next thing I remember is I'm on top of him crushing him into the ground as hard as I possibly could.The sounds of him screaming in horrible pain is what made me snapped out of it.Which I got off and stopped hurting him.So sadly with the explosive temper issues.People with adhd like me can be violent and could hurt someone.During this rage mode they will do what ever it takes to hurt what ever set them off.They won't care how far they have to go.They will do it and not even remember doing it or why they felt like they were forced to do it.
-low self-esteem and sense of insecurity
It's kind of had to not feel this part.When your disorder keeps making you feel like the dummest person on the planet comapred to everyone else.That you don't have anything impressive that you can do that others can't.Your nothing special since you can't even focus long enough to be better than others in something.You feel so horribly worthless and like a lost cause.You never want to go up against anyone because they will just see just how much you struggle at doing anything.Everyone keeps reminding you how horribly handicapped you truly are.
ATM that's all I can think about with what I have faced with my adhd side.In part 2 i will talk about what I face with my autistic side.
If any of you have even read any of it.Which I wouldn't blame you.This is A LOT of writing and I probably would have trouble finishing reading this.I hope this take helps some people and for those who read the whole thing.I hope you enjoyed it. :)