A Deal With The Devil...

Here is a story I wrote. It's meant to show you that your thoughts matter. Any thoughts on this and contructive criticism will be much appreciated :) @redeyemindtricks I believe you'll like this one haha

Also, I wrote a few sentences I absolutely love, those will be italicized.

Taking a sip of my coffee, I enter my work building and am immediately greeted by the secretary.

"Good morning Audrey." She says with a smile.

I just nod and step onto the elevator, watching the doors shut as Darla from accounting rushes in late and the doors close in her face. Haha good.

The elevator ascends and I drink my coffee while tapping my foot impatiently. The elevator beeps with each passing floor. 35...36...37...

It's about to turn from 39 to 40-the penthouse- when it hitches and stops.

Fuck.

I press the red help button but it's stuck and won't work. Fuck.

I try not to panic, and press the doors open button. That won't work either.

I look around wildly trying to find a way out. Noticing the hatch at the top, I push and push in vain. I facepalm myself when I remember it's locked from the outside so rescuers can get in.

I check my phone to see if I can call for 911 or at least the secretary. No signal.

Fuck me. My heart begins racing while I try pressing the help button but it still doesn't work and my palms get sweaty, panic settling in.

All of a sudden, I hear people talking on the other side so I do what I can. I set my coffee down and take a deep breathe.

"AHHHHHHH HELP I'M TRAPPED!" I yell as loud as possible even if it's in vain. I even bang on the does with my fists as hard as possible, biting through the pain.
"Wait. Did you hear that?" Someone asks very close by.
"YES HELP ME!" I yell and lay my forehead on the doors, sighing softly while I sink to my knees. "Help me." I whisper as I can't hear anything on the other side anymore. "Shit." I breathlessly say and sit cross legged on the floor, sipping at my coffee and giving up hope.
I hear loud commotion and people rushing around. Maybe they heard me after all!?
"Hello?" I hear a voice call out from floor 40.
"Help! The elevator is stuck." I call out, relieved someone finally heard me.
"Ma'am a rescue team is on the way. Just stay calm and don't panic."
I roll my eyes at the obviousness in his words and reply with a curt "Its a little too late for that."
How would I be expected to not panic in a situation like this?
As soon as I have that last thought, the elevator hitches and drops down faster than I can comprehend and I let out an ear piercing scream, my hands braced out on the floor beside me.
My heart is pounding in my chest and I can practically feel my organs lodged in my throat from the quick drop and the fear that's locked inside me.
I hear running and panicking on the other side of my metal cage. Great, they tell me to stay calm then they panic? Idiots. I hope the rescue team knows what they're doing.
"Are you okay!?" Some new voice asks and I breathe heavily, trying to slow my heart rate to a normal pace.
"I'm fine!" I yell and look down when I feel something cold touch my hand. My coffee spilled when the elevator dropped and I scrunch up my nose in disgust, moving away to sit in the corner.
I sit with my knees to my chest, my head between my knees and my eyes shut tightly.
As if by magic the metal contraptions doors begin to open, slowly but surely. The metal squeaks and grates against my ears but I look up and relief floods my entire being. There's firemen on the other side prying the doors open. The doors are jaws reluctant to open for it's prey to escape it's trap. They finally open the elevator enough for me to get out.
I rush out from the gap as fast as possible and hug the man who let me out, tears streaming down my face and my heart beating as loud and fast as The Rev from avenged sevenfold.
"Thank you thank you thank you." I repeat over and over again to the man while he holds me, my sniveling crying self.
"Wow she actually has emotions." I hear a lady whisper to someone she's next to.
That snaps me out of it and I straighten up, wiping the smudged make up from my eyes.
I clear my throat and say, "Thank you sir."
"The name is Lars Ulrich." He says and I look at him, I mean really look at him. He has a scraggly unkempt but short beard, lovely large brown eyes underneath full lashes and thick lips.
"Well, I'm Audrey. Thank you Lars for saving me." I hug him one more time then stop moving because I feel as if I'm about to collapse at any moment.
I guess he must sense that so he grabs my elbow and holds me to him.
"Can I....can I go sit down?" I ask while the onlookers part like the red sea for me as Lars leads me to an empty office that holds a couch.
He shuts the door and sits next to me. He places a very muscled arm around me and I lean into his firefighter uniform taking solace in the lingering scent of smoke that's engrained into it.
"Thank you Lars. " I whisper and he pushes me back a little, looking into my own brown eyes.
"Audrey Hetfield would you like to know why you were saved?"
Slightly taken aback, I quickly retort and say, "I'd like to believe its because I could have died if it fell?"
He chuckles darkly causing goose bumps to rise on my arms, and the hair on the back of my neck to rise.
"Well yes that too, but for another reason."
I wait for him to continue even though his handsome features begin to give me a sinister feeling.
"I heard your call."
"Yea I called for help." I say very confused.
"No no." He says and laughs again. "I heard your unspoken call."
Oh. My heart drops.

"You said you'd give up anything to make sure you lived. You didn't direct it to God...just towards anyone who would answer."
"I didn't mean it." I whisper and look down at my black and pink suit, smoothing down the crinkles in my pants.
"Oh really? You didn't mean it?" His tone takes on a mocking lilt and it presses into my core, hurting me deep in my center as if there's a small inferno being set alight.
My chest tightens and I nod, still looking down at my long legs, my warm brown skin odd in color against the black and pink of my clothing.
"Darling," he croons softly and uses his index finger to tilt my head up by my chin, "we both know you meant it. You were going to die. You are a horrid person, and you were seconds from death. I stopped the elevator so I could save you. And...voila, 'ere we are!" He smiles revealing perfect teeth but his canines...they're sharper than most people's.
"Audrey I think you know who I am."
"Yea Lars, you're not the drummer to Metallica I know that." I say trying to lighten up his scary attitude with a joke.
He grins and says, "Well being who I am, why wouldn't I be a fan of some good old thrash metal."
"Well metal is the devils music." I chuckle and he does along with me.
"Come on hun, we gotta go. Its time." He says and stands up, holding his hand out for me.
"Can I have a day to say goodbye to my family?" I ask hesitantly.
He nods and allows me to walk out first.
I take out my phone and call my husband. "Babe? Yea I'm coming home. I'm okay..." I say and hang up before he can quiz me.
I exit the building and get in my red camaro, taking a deep breathe before I head home.
I get home and rush inside straight into the arms of my husband. "I love you so much." I whisper and he says it back, kissing me on my cheek.
My son and my two daughters come rushing out to hug me and I wrap them in my arms.
Being as tall as I am I have to kneel for them.
"I love you babies." I say, and squeeze them tightly.
They say "I love you too mommy."
I sigh and check the time. Its 6 pm. Wow. Where in the fuck did the time go? It was noon just five minutes ago.
I head to the bedroom with my crew of children following me.
I collapse into the bed and they follow suit, as they cuddle up next to me. My husband joins us and he holds us all tightly in his long, muscled arms.
We fall asleep together after my long day of stress and near death.


Waking up abruptly, I hear a deep voice.

"Morning gorgeous." he says and I shiver in fear.
I sit up and look down. Where my kids once were are now tiny rotting bodies, my dead husband laying with them too. They look decayed and weathered through time, not a scrap of meat on them, they're just bone and crusty dried blood.
My heart races and I scream, tears falling from my eyes, and I begin rocking back and forth holding my sons dead body.
"You said I had a day! Why're they here with me!?" I yell at Lucifer, my tears dripping off my face and off my lips, staining my tongue salty.
"They're not here but honey...your soul is mine now. " He chuckles behind me and places a hand on my shoulder. "This is your hell."

A deal with the devil...


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What Guys Said 2

  • That plot twist was too abrupt methinks. And her accepting her fate just like that was... off. Most people would refuse to believe anything like that right off the bat.

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    • I was just trying to show that she knew what she was getting into and that she WAS a bad person

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    • All right, it iust comes down to this just being a snippet of the whole thing, right?

  • I would have developed it a lot more - More hints at the start she was a person who possibly lost her soul to materialism and gaining power - Maybe a bigger build up ignoring her family, being harsh to workmates etc - I would have really explored her fear in the lift and how she felt - Plus made the realisation of what happened a slower process - It reminds me of a plot sketch but the foundation of a good short story is there

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What Girls Said 1

  • Whoa Lawd intense!

    You sure nailed one thing... Being the one left alive, if my husband and children were taken from this world, would definitely be hell on earth. There's no question about that. I'd much rather be the one to go, any day.
    I'm not very good with imagination (lol) so, yeah, when I try to picture a hellish afterlife, it often ends up being something along those lines -- like, being the one left alive when everyone else is gone.

    __

    I actually did get stuck in an elevator once, for about 30 minutes. Luckily, it wasn't terribly crowded.
    There was this kid -- a boy, 4 or 5 years old -- and his father, and then a couple of older ladies and a gentleman. The boy's father kinda didn't really know what to do, after help was called; he was just pretty much checked out, for all practical purposes. But the boy just thought I was the coolest person EVER, for whatever reason.

    The elevator had those translucent buttons -- the kind with the black number in the middle, where the entire button lit up when you pressed it. It was a pretty tall building, so there were a bunch of buttons, some well out of the boy's reach.
    Anyway, just to pass the time, I had the boy play a little game where he'd jump as high as he could, and slam the highest buttons he could press on the elevator panel.
    So, it was kinda like an elevator version of those vertical-jump testers that my son's football team uses:
    bobbydattero.com/.../vertical-jump.jpg

    I mean, why not? Lol the elevator was stuck anyway, so they were gna have to reset the panel regardless. (The fancy emergency-type buttons are always located on top, so, there was no chance that he might accidentally smack against a button that'd do something crazy and unwanted.)

    It was pretty fun. The boy's father... didn't seem to mind, which was enough to ask given the situation. Hah.

    I'm surprisingly patient in these kinds of situations. I pretty much just don't care, unless there's a REALLY urgent reason to care. (Remember, I'm one of those people who's fashionably late to everything, everywhere, anyway.)

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    • Haha good, and sorry bout making you the main character xD you're not a bad person I promise.

      and that's so cute. tbh I'd have ended up doing the same thing with the kid or just playing a game with him in general.

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