First time I felt like an adult I was wearing a blazer.
Yes, a black blazer. Like something you wouldn’t imagine me to wear. Like a businesswoman as if I were someone high and mighty? It was similar to wearing high heels for the first time and thinking some one who knew me in high school would just laugh at the sight of this. Especially If you're someone like me. Which if you don’t know me yet I am your plain generic girl without of a clue what she want out of life.
Another American girl who indulges in online chatting, pizza, and spending her free time on free online movies. One of those girls who don’t give a fuck and the ones that don’t seem notices that they have extra rolls behind their back. As I was reaching my destination my low black ballet shoes told me to stop. As if they were pleading, “ why oh why did I decide to change now!” Every few minutes the heel of my shoes would slip off side, front way, back and forth as I encounter every tiny crack on the sidewalk.
Now picture how ridiculous I looked wearing a blazer a little too tight, gray dress pants that didn’t fit well on my muffin top, and shoes that were so cheaply made that I kept hitting the ground because they did not prove any support. The expression on my face said it all. I twisted and pushed and pulled and punch all my emotions that I felt into one. With just one look on my face you would think I was enduring torture that some how some invisible force had something against me. So you get the picture don’t yeah? This isn’t a story about a queen or a fairy or a diamond in the rough. This about a girl trying to grow up. Trying to live the world outside her fantasy.
Because in my small inner world I am the heroic Queen but I decide to trade my crown for adulthood. My kingdom for responsibility and my fantasy with reality. “It was about time!” my mother would say! “I waited long enough!”. As she eagerly and violently pulled and tore my soft blue lightweight gown into my dark closet. The darkness and absence of my dress and crown had erased my elegance and the warmth of security.
I was no longer allowed to ask my mother for advice. No more standing behind an adult when I couldn’t afford it. No more expect someone to rewind my clock. No more anything. As an adult I was suppose to be in charge let say the captain of my boat. The great leader of my country. I was not allowed to stay in the under the cover of my bedsheets.
The rules were simple in adulthood you're responsible for your life. You fuck up than you fix it! It was up to me to solve my problem. I kept walking closer and closer until I was there in front of big thick glass doors. Behind these doors I knew I would be judge from the way, I dress to the way, I spoke, and to the way I held myself together. I took one deep breath in and remind myself, “I will always love you.” As I held my breath in I open the door to unexplored territory. At this exact moment I knew all those days wasted as a child I would finally be tested to see if I made it.
The test that all kids must go through no exceptions. It didn’t matter what my height was or my weight this was my moment. As I went inside those door and into a dark purple walls cam to view and then I saw a face. A face like no other. It was girl with red hair and and red lips and perfect smile. She was my past envy…my nightmare…my ….my hope my wish my my want. Her eyes resembled a dragon.
Something about her was not human. The way she smiled like she knew my secret. As if she could rip me apart with just one bite. Her voice was as clear and loud. She said,”Hello.” Yet her were saying, “Look.” The younger version of me needed to be pretty.
The mirror held in the middle of room wanted me to shrink...It wanted to make me less important. The voice in my head started to mumbled and then it got louder until I could not ignore it. My mind started to focused on the voice of boy a child who replay the same propaganda until I believe it. He would say in direct voice “you don’t deserve anything.”
This boy only came occasion only to laugh at my disappointment. Sometimes when he would visit he would hit me in my weak spot call me, “stupid… ugly…and fat….and how I was going to dies anyway.” He was like my bully that I couldn’t not make stop. Because on one cold fall morning when I told my teacher that he was make funny me or she said something or so and so trying to hurt me. They would smile the same fake dragon smile that I saw on that girl face.
I beg the boy to leave and scream that he was not needed. Words could not form to speak. When I finally let my mouth go and let the voice echo in my mind. I manage to stumble on the letters of hello. “Hello” I repeated “Hello Hello Hello.” My body froze. My clothes stop arguing…my shoes decide to stay still…My belly rolls decide to get smaller…the mirror stop shrinking me…the voice stop playing its record…the dragon spoke and the wind of her voice said stiffly, “come in.”
And than I let go of the breath I was holding in. Everything that held me together in a nots of destruction was finally cut off. The promise of fresh air came into my mind. I was finally released from my fears that threaten my shoes.The first time I felt like an adult I was twenty. In that cold Tuesday morning when I decide to leave behind those sharp thing called self judgement at the door.