In the aftermath of my marriage of 22 years coming to an end my son had a long battle with addiction to Meth Amphetamines ( ICE ). Seeing his parents break up and regrettably19 years of 'dealing' with me as his Dad lead to this.
Like with your two older sisters, I made a vow when you were born never to do anything to leave you damaged.
I failed you all on this vow, both directly and indirectly.
My breakup with your mother devastated me to the core, but my betrayal of you in its aftermath was unforgivable. You had needs that I abandoned by running away with the lack of resolution as to why a marriage failed that many, if not all saw as perfect lead you to this abyss of despair.
The main reason is I am a hypocrite
I preach openness and transparency, but the main cause of the split was my inability to be completely open with your mother.
The crux was things that happened in my past has left many scars on my being and seeped out in many ways. I had the perfect opportunity to work through them with her but never could make that leap of trust. With this inability to leave me naked and completely vulnerable by her knowing me leaving her feeling that I didn't completely trust her.
I paid the ultimate price by losing her.
The cruel aside for you was the lessons I taught you.
I preached to many how kids see everything and learn from what they observe, but I never fully took heed of this.
My heavy drinking night after night on face value was jovial, but you saw it for what it truly was. A man not facing up to his issues and choosing the combination of embracing denial while he hid in a convenient escape. My reputation of being a feared brawler gained respect but also comments about how I loved to impart genuine pain on others by going too far.
In a sense, letting them share some of my intense pain. #SeeMyWork
As you laid tethered and bound in a hospital bed with self-inflicted scars, my flawed teachings were complete.