Why You Should Never Give Advice

I know I am writing a "how to never give advice" on a website giving advice, but here are my tips on how NOT to give advice and why I think giving advice is BAD.

Here are a few things to keep in mind when you read this:

1. Giving advice makes you sound like you know better and they are stupid

2. Giving advice sounds like you want to control their life, instead of help them figure it out

3. Sometimes the advice you give doesn't improve their life but just makes it worse

1.

Instead of giving advice, you should just ignore. My kids, when they are bad they instantly get put in timeout for however old they are (2 years old, 2 min etc). I then talk with them later and tell them it is okay to be angry, but it is not okay to scream and throw things and hit people. Each time they do something bad, they just get thrown in bed. Why does this work? Because if you just keep giving them attention and NOT ignoring them, then they just think they are getting on your nerves.

I have a sister like this. She has gotten a lot of advice from people about how to live her life. She doesn't care about it. What does she care about? Oh, that she is getting a lot of attention and that people are talking about her! The next time she starts talking about how "bad" she is... I just try to say "oh, okay, let's talk about something else please. How was your son's birthday party?" You don't have to give them advice. They already are getting what they want, they just want attention.

2.

Instead of giving advice, just live your life as an example. My husband has this problem and I ask him questions about why they said what they said. For example, his coworker doesn't make much money and just decided to buy a house he clearly can't afford. My husband tells him that he is making a huge mistake and he should have started with a starter home. Are they happy? Do they save a lot? Do they have another source of income?

You don't know that. You should just be happy for them because they sound really happy and then if you want, you can tell them about your happiness. We bought a small starter home that is perfect for our family and we don't have any financial problems. We follow Dave Ramsey's advice. It's working for us. We're happy too. The END. And if later their way of life doesn't work, they can say "oh this guy talked about DAVE RAMSEY...and he sounded really happy"

3.

Instead of giving straight up advice, make it a CHOICE that he is RESPONSIBLE FOR. This helps people decide for themselves and figure out for themselves what kind of life they would want to live.

I am going to give a really serious situation as an example. Let's say a guy married an alcoholic girl, and whenever she got drunk she would try to kill him with a knife. The guy needs to tell the girl that when she is not drunk he will stay with her, but if she is drunk he will leave to his parent's house for a week. If she does it again, it will be for a month and so on. She needs too see that if she drinks, her husband leaves her. If he is important to her, she WANTS to and CHOOSES to stay with him. During this whole time, he does not advise her to just quit drinking already!

4.

Instead of giving advice, you should just set boundaries. If you have had a person abuse you, mentally, verbally, physically or whatever... you don't need to give them advice. You need to get away and never be near them again. Trust has been broken. Plus, it makes it even worse that they do it again and again to others and they don't feel bad about it because they feel that the people they abuse "deserve" it. These people are lost in their thoughts, and until no one really supports their strange way of thinking they will continue.

5.

Instead of giving advice, you should empathize. That must be really hard on you. It sounds like you are going through such a hard time. It would make me sad too if someone always took advantage of me. I had a period of time when I felt that way too, it was horrible and I know what you mean.

Empathizing is not only connecting, relating, understanding and comforting to the other person but it also helps them know that their feelings are valuable and they are important. This makes them feel like, they are LOVED. Some times love can do so much to a person's self esteem and self esteem helps a person be strong. Strong people figure out that they can get through things.

6.

Instead of giving advice, you can try to understand the situation and ask them what they think the problem is and the possible solutions.

This. Right. Here. This is what you WANT, and what they WANT. People don't want you to tell them to do things like they are a ROBOT. They want to learn to be proactive people who have FULL CONTROL of their lives. They want to feel capable of thinking on their own and figuring out what it is that they WANT in life. It is not good to just lead a horse to water, but to have the horse figure out that he needs water and ask questions until he learns to find that water and drink it on his own.

He will be so happy he did it on his own.

Plus if you do it all the time for them (give advice on everything) they might become crippled and always think that someone is supposed to give them the advice and always save them.

Do you always want to rescue someone and be there for them whenever the face the smallest life challenge? This is a question for me, as I am a mom.

So what do you think? What other things can help you NOT give advice, and NOT make their problem your problem, and actually help them to figure it out?


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What Guys Said 22

  • 2mo

    I think people should just come up with their own advice

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  • 2mo

    Depends on the situation, I think, and the kind of people we're talking about.

    Tact is essential in all instances, too. Those who are suffering don't want to hear the arrogant bluster of someone who's simply living a better life; it's just hard to bear and the advice will fall on deaf ears.

    At the same time, one of the critical elements of learning is listening to advice from those who know more than you, and have done more than you. When people go, "oh, you're giving me advice so you think you're better than me?" my response is, "... what are you, 6? Grow up." This isn't a playground confrontation where someone is trying to prove superiority; this is just someone trying to help someone else, and coddling does nothing. Empathy is great - note the tact mention above - but saying "oh, it's okay" and "I understand, it sucks" ultimately solves nothing.

    I'm no art expert. If I go to a museum, I have no trouble with one of the staff giving me advice on what to look for when viewing certain pieces. Yes, that person knows more than me and I'm not about to act like a child and resist that knowledge, just because I think I'm "inferior." We all improve by listening to those with experience and valuable information. If I go to make an expensive purchase for the first time, I want to talk to a financial advisor.

    If your're so fragile that you can't accept advice, you've got self-esteem issues. However, there are WAYS to give advice that involve kindness, tact, understanding, etc. You can be comforting without being useless; you can be a shoulder to lean on while still offering advice you believe will help, because you care for that person. :)

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    • 2mo

      If they straight up asked for advice, yes maybe I would give it but like you said you have use tactics to be the one helping not solving the problem. I am talking about advice such as life decisions though, like should you cheat on your spouse... not related to advice on how to decorate your house but that kind of advice is also based on personal interest. I would say, I like blue because of the ocean, do you like blue?

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    • 2mo

      I'd give such disclaimers to children, perhaps, but not to adults. They have a brain; they can choose to take my advice or not, as I can choose whether or not to take theirs. Everyone knows not everyone is the same, and everyone knows that nothing about advice is gospel (unless it's founded in scientific fact, or something). Shouldn't stop people from sharing the wisdom of similar experiences.

    • 2mo

      Like I said only if asked for me and you can do whatever you want. End of conversation

  • 1mo

    But what if they are stumbling over something but are too shy to ask for advice that I am fairly certain I can give?

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  • 1mo

    Them what's the point of gag

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  • 1mo

    You're giving us advice to not give people advice? Clearly you're not even taking your own advice, lol.

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  • 1mo

    If you can solve peoples problems , you can earn. It makes you feel worthy. And it also pays. I am a financial analyst. And I always give advice to the people , how they can make more money. Sometimes , I charge them for that. But sometimes I do it free. I can give advice on a lot of issues in which I am well worse. And it has improved peoples lives. I believe that I should always be ready to give advice. Of course you give good points of when not to give advice. But as an expert advice giver , I know how to go about it. So I will always be ready to give advice.

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  • 2mo

    If a person refuses another persons acquired information, they limit their own potential. I don't really get along with such prideful or closed minded people.

    The passing and receiving of information is what makes life interesting to me.

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  • 2mo

    this site stopped being an advice giving site, a LONG time ago

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  • 2mo

    So technically you're giving people advice how to not give other people advice. :)

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    • 2mo

      I guess you could see it that way but I am trying to get people to understand that they need to learn to make their own decisions, and you can help people do that.

  • 2mo

    2 Rules to life:

    1. Never reveal everything you know.

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  • 2mo

    Giving Advice is GOOD!

    I'm 56 years old. Last week, I gave as 23 year old Man some advice... and he took it to heart! This young Man admitted that he has a weakness for Women. He shared how he recently slept with a women and later urinated blood. He ended up in the Hospital and was DAMN LUCKY, a Urinary Tract Infection. NO STDs!. I shared with him verbally the statistics of STDs and STIs. Also, I told him how lucky he was that he didn't catch Gonorrhea... which is now DRUG RESISTANT to treatment. Later, I e-mailed him some info from the CDC. HE LISTENED TO MY ADVICE!

    We BOTH go to the same Church. Now, he wants to get together with me and share his testimony with the Teenagers in the Church.

    One of the reasons that I'm on Girlsaskguys is to GIVE advice. The older generation has a duty to guide the younger generation. It is my hope that my advice will change the course of a young person by "3 degrees" for the better. It will make all the difference in their life.

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    • 2mo

      The point I am trying to make is, there are a lot of people giving advice out there. People need to realize that they ultimately have to advise themselves to make the final decision after weighing the pros and cons of each possible decision that they can make. People should not just be led blindly by believing everything that they hear. It's a problem solving skill That you can help guide them to think for themselves.

  • 2mo

    ironically this is pretty good advice xD.

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  • 2mo

    Such irony lmao.

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    • 2mo

      You help guide them to make their own decisions, it's a problem solving skill and everyone should know that they are more than capable instead of always depending on others to make decisions for them

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    • 2mo

      You have to see all advice as options and you have to advise yourselves to be the ones that make the final decision. This is one option, there are so many options out there. You choose what works for you

    • 2mo

      Yeah, I know, I was just commenting on irony. XDD

  • 2mo

    Better shut this website down then. That is what it is all about.

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    • 2mo

      No, I don't think so. This website is great to learn more about how others have made decisions so that you can see the options and learn to make a decision for yourself.

    • 2mo

      no, she titled this "Why You Should Never Give Advice". That is the whole point of this website. even the MyTakes are advice. So basically, you pretty much need to never talk unless your reciting facts. because everything else can be considered advice.

    • 2mo

      I never give advice, I always give examples of how my life is, or opinions of how I feel about the issue but never direct advice like this is the ONLY way and the way for you... no. You need to figure that out on your own, and that is the point of this mytake. For people to learn to make their own decision, how you can help them and how you can help yourself. You first have to figure out all the possible actions, then all the possible outcomes, and then choose which one is the best with the lowest bad consequences. The point is for YOU to learn to make them and not anyone else making it for you!

  • 2mo

    I completely agree, great Take.

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  • 2mo

    In other words...

    "Everyone please leave this website immediately"

    Thanks,

    O. P

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    • 2mo

      No, we are here to learn more about each other so we have more information about how to make our choices in life

  • 2mo

    Yes and no. For example. I had a fight with my partner last night over my one friend. My friend is a master player and has banged over 150 women easy. He is nothing special in terms of looks or money. But to me he had this incredible gift that I don't have. I will get a million bucks before I get a 100 girls. My partner hates it when I bring this guy up because she doesn't understand it, and why I admire him so much.

    But bottom line, if that guy gives you pick up advice... you would be a wise man to sit up and pay attention.

    Some people are damn good at what they do. The dangerous part is who do you listen too. That's the trick. My friend woundnt be good for marraige advice for example.

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    • 2mo

      Ofcourse you are asking for the advice, the point is you learn to say this is my problem and these are my options and the consequences of any action i take. It's a process that everyone should know. No one should fully be making the Decision for you, nor should you have to do it for another person. That's the point of the my take. We help people learn to make decisions not make it for them.

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    • 2mo

      I get what you saying but you confusing giving options and making a decision (which I fully agree with and is how I want to raise my kids) with giving advice. Everyone is responsible for their own choice.

      But advice is making some of those choices work. If, for example you want to be more financially stable, that's a good choice. But how do you do that? Well we could go your route and "investigate for ourselves". But you will find something like "save you money". But that's not great advice. That won't do anything. Better advice from someone more experienced will be something like you need to invest your money more wisely. Same with women, I want to do x but keep getting y. My friend on the other hand does x and gets xxx😂. I want xxx too and he is obviously doing something I'm not.

    • 2mo

      I totally understand that going to an expert is getting advice, but I see it more as an option I guess. I will tell my kids all I know about finances but it is not an advice but an option that they are able to choose if it fits their life. I read a lot of self help books from marriage, friends, money, kids etc some of them I like and it works for me. Some I just don't think it fits my style, and it's my choice. People need to know how to make choices and understand that they are capable, and it is ok to make mistakes but you need to own it.

  • 2mo

    Giving unsolicited unwanted advice, sure. But when someone asks, that's different.

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    • 2mo

      I am just saying you can give it but you can help them come to their own conclusions. People need to learn to make decisions on their own and not blindly follow just anyone

    • 2mo

      Yeah, but if someone asks you for your advice, you should be man enough to give it to the best of your ability. Even if that advice is "Don't ask me, I'm a moron"

    • 2mo

      Lol... or just ask them what they think

  • 2mo

    I really enjoyed that take and agreed with it, well done

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  • 2mo

    i don't give advice much anymore
    i just speak the truth

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    • 2mo

      Yep, me too. People can take it or leave it, I don't really care.

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What Girls Said 5

  • 2mo

    I am here, dear to Simply do as Gag Expects... Give Advice. Or Get Advice.
    I have been Doing this Most of my life, and Most of the time, people either Ask for my Wise Words, or Appreciate a Shoulder to Cry on or to Lean on, Added with a few More Comforting Words.
    Good luck and Great question, @phil2 xx

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  • 1mo

    There's getting outside perspectives but when it comes down to it, we need to function and rely on ourselves. Great mytake☆☆☆☆☆

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  • 2mo

    So... why are you on this site?

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    • 2mo

      I am mostly here to figure out how people think.

  • 2mo

    You've just give an advice...

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    • 2mo

      I know, I started my my take with that idea. It's not to give advice but I want to help guide you to think for yourself and come up with your own solution.

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    • 2mo

      you are 18 now, you shouldn't have to always rely on your parents to make decisions for you. They really should have taught you from a young age that you can make your own choices. I had the same kind of parents. I think that they meant well, but because we felt that they were making all our choices for us, we felt like robots so we started to rebel. Going outside and wearing a scarf, you have to start thinking... I do this because it makes me warm and I like it. Not because your parents just tell you to. You have to start thinking, I don't do that because it harms me, not just because your parents tell you to. People need to make their own choices, not rely on others to always make their choices for them. Then blaming their parents for making bad choices for them later on... be responsible for yourself. Your parents need to raise you up like you are going to be on your own.

    • 2mo

      I have a weak health but I hate being warm and wearing a lot of stuff. I like going out only in shirt and short so my parent always worry about me.
      I try to make my own choice, I do sometime but I don't know why but it finish always bad. Like I buy a shirt and the second time I wear it I see a big holes (because of the worst quality). When I want to buy some shoes / clothes on internet my parent tell me to not do it cause every time I had doing it I had problem.
      I alway take really bad descision and after they had to help me. So I prefer asking their opinion / let them tell me what to do instead of making something bad.

  • 2mo

    Great advice!

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