Flashback: Growth After Addiction Isn't Easy

After 10 years living in addiction I realized that if I was ever going to be free from the drugs then I needed a way to empty my brain of memories. Someone to just sit and listen, that would not judge or be shocked by what I had experienced. I did not want someone that would feel pity or sorrow for me, I just wanted someone that could be open to the fact that the way they experienced life was not the way that everybody did.

It took another 10 years after realizing that before I found someone that could look objectively at my past and help guide me to where my wrong thinking started so that I could implement some beneficial changes to the way I think and process these memories.

I would like to share a blog post I wrote from about 3 months into my sobriety. It is amazing, looking back, how much my thinking has changed yet how much of it is still true. While you read this, remember it is being written by a man in his 30's that never in his life ever saw value in himself. He wasted his entire life with drugs because of an inability to comprehend or articulate what it was that truly held him where he was.

...I don't know...I don't think I will ever be free of my memories but perhaps I can learn to not allow them to have such control over me. I do not want to walk into a 'time warp' every time I try to sleep and be brought back to a places that I did not ever want to revisit.

I am just as unsure about my past as I am about my future.

I can not allow myself to waiver though. I will figure out a way to give myself complete peace of mind that does not involve drugs, alcohol or other mind altering alternatives. It will probably take years to do but I will do it, eventually, but for tonight I lie awake with my eyes open staring into the dark. I will try to give my memories their own space and time. Maybe if I give them their own time then they will allow me to rest. I am so tired of waking up, my body shaking and sweating, with tears in my eyes. I am tired of feeling the horror and terror I lived with in my youth. I'm tired of allowing these things to have control over me still...

I want to close this myTake with a poem that I wrote around the time of this blog. I was just starting to allow myself to grieve for all the friends I had lost along the way.

I lie awake dreaming of days gone by.

The people. The faces.

Their last quiet sighs.

I remember quite well as I held in my arms,

their last vestige of life,

as they let go I cried.

I try to block out.

From agony I flew.

The fear and the loathing.

The horror I knew.

So into the drugs,

I go sell my soul,

trying to hide,

if truth will be told.

Don't want to remember.

Don't want to relive,

but memory escapes me

I feel it's bitter kiss.

Now though I'm sober.

No drugs in my life.

I try to live daily,

to fight a good fight.

The memories remind me,

every day of my life,

of days that I hid from,

of death and of strife.

So now I lie wishing that someone would help,

put things in perspective, I can't do it myself.

But until that sweet moment,

when free I can sleep,

tears of horror will wake me

my memories I'll keep.

If you find yourself presently undergoing sleepless nights filled with night terrors or insomnia due to choices that have had a profoundly negative impact on you, then reach out to someone. Nobody needs to go through these alone and no matter how much you may think that you are the only one the truth is that there are always others. Reach out and ask for help today, even if it is just a listening ear that will do nothing but be there for you when you need it.


2|2
0|4

Join the discussion

0/2500

Submit

What Girls Said 0

Share the first opinion in your gender
and earn 1 more Xper point!

What Guys Said 4

  • 1mo

    I have one of those memories that doesn't let me forget anything. My first memory is from when I was 10 months old, in fact. Obviously, I can't remember every single day of my life and elementary school only comes to me in snippets, like for most people, but it's shocking what I often remember from my earliest days. Even now, if I watch something, like a TV show or a movie, once I'll never forget it. I'll probably have half the lines memorized, too.

    But I'm not actively trying to do it; it just happens. People always say they're envious but really, they shouldn't be. It's a massive double-edged sword because as this Take indicates, sometimes it can be extremely difficult to move past things and press forward when you're constantly attacked by your memories. They can become downright crippling in that way.

    0|0
    0|0
    • 1mo

      Traumatic experiences are humdingers to sort through but it can be done

  • 1mo

    I never thought it was easy for someone to grow after addiction. That was a very nice poem you wrote by the way. Gook luck and keep growing :)

    0|0
    0|0
  • 1mo

    You came to the right place for the wrong information. If you're Accually genuine about this , then PM me and I will tell you how to easly cope. If you're not , then consider this fact as an opinion instead. I've been there and succeeded successfully.

    0|0
    0|0
    • 1mo

      I have done so just not as monetarily successful as some. Have been 8 years clean got custody of my kids and am being the dad to them that I wish I had. I have my coping mechanisms and don't crave the drugs or harbour hate for anyone. These myTakes are made for repoire building as I now am a peer trainer/program consultant. But I am always open to knowledge growth and would love to hear what you have to say. I sent you a friend request.

    • Show All
    • 1mo

      You have it set that you either have to message me first or follow me for me to private message you

    • 1mo

      Asker... ok , sorry I will contact you just when I finish my Buisness conference. Give me a hour or so and I'll be back at ya.

  • 1mo

    Very inspiring take - I am glad you have reached a good point in your life and wish you all the best in the future - Thank you for sharing your story.

    0|0
    0|0
Loading...