I was pulled out of school in grade 3 due to the teacher calling Children's Aide and the police about bruises on me. My mother and stepfather then moved to the country and home-schooled me and my siblings when they reached school age. I was forbidden to have friends and my parents used religion as a form of control.
My stepfather made it perfectly clear to me that the only reason I existed was to serve, often citing bible verses to back up his case. I was my families servant, if I said no then I was beat and made to read and write commentary on scripture passages. Truthfully, I very rarely said no because I lived in fear of the beatings.
I survived and grew in knowledge. I realized that their use of the bible as a control method was a perversion of what it was meant to be and eventually I did try to escape (not in the right way but it worked but that is another story for another day).
Growing up in this manner was not conducive in any way, shape or form to my social growth. My self image was permanently marred by my childhood. Due to abuse from my others, the abuse from my stepfather and my mother standing by and allowing it to happen, I truly believed that I was nothing, a nobody put on this earth solely to serve.
I was eventually put into high school; at my age I should have started at grade 9 but started grade 10/11 instead. I tried to buy friends by doing their homework and projects then realized they were just pretending to be friendly and using me. I tried to do what was considered bad and wrong by our Christian parents (ie: bought a satanic bible and read it in the courtyard out loud, skipped classes, skipped detention, etc etc) nothing worked, I was just to different. What use was it trying to make friends when I didn't even know how to talk to people my own age?
I was so outcast that even the nerds and geeks wanted nothing to do with me. People would be made fun of just for talking to me unless they were trying to use me for something. I ended up resorting to making friends with the teachers and would spend most of my spare time with them. I never did have problems with the people 20 years my senior but those around my age I couldn't relate to.
I grew up with no television or radio (TV and music was of the devil my parents said), this caused a big gap between me and my peers. I couldn't even guess mickey mouse when we played 'guess the actor' in English literature and we all had cards put on our heads with an actors name on it and we had to give each other hints to try to guess. I felt like a retard because I knew nothing at all about anything that was hip, happening or current.
After high school and into college I learned a bit more about being social and started making a few friends but I settled for the ones that wanted to be friends with me. I did get a girlfriend (I knew the numbers game so asked a dozen women a day, I knew that someday one of them would say yes) but my years of abuse affected that as well (as well as every relationship for many years). I still believed that I was nothing, a nobody, there on earth solely to serve.
Life goes on; prison, drugs, partying and the criminal life were where I ended up. Addicts don't judge and are the most accepting people on the face of the earth and I made tons of friends, some so close that I still to this day consider them to have been family. They helped to become more socially acceptable (taught me that friends are people that have mutual, shared, memorable experiences) and I taught them how to cope with people in professional situations in order to guarantee a positive outcome (I excelled in business and had no problem dealing with people on a professional level, it was the personal level I was deficient in).
So I was then at a point in my life that I could finally socialize semi-normally and I could make new friends but now I was an addict and so I was still a nobody, a nothing, now serving the addiction. Could I ever catch a break?!
So lets fast forward through recovery (again another story for another time) to the present day. I look at myself truthfully and I realize that I am now self-confident and have more than enough self-esteem. I also know that I enjoy making people smile, I enjoy helping others heal. Don't get me wrong, life turned me into an asshole and I will be the first to admit it but when I see true hopelessness, helplessness and despair a part of me comes out that I fought my whole life to kill off. I am here to serve.
I know now the boundaries I need for my own mental, emotional and physical health and well-being and I am not afraid to enforce those boundaries. I realize that there is no shame in assisting others and even though the majority of my assistance is done out of sight (ie: gag, private clients) I still take that role of 'servant' onto myself. I also realize that serving is not the only reason I exist on this earth but in order to make my assistance the most beneficial to others I must meet them where they are in their life journey and walk beside them as they take each small step. This means that with each new client I again must make myself nothing, a nobody, here to serve.
Each client makes me stronger and builds on my self-esteem and self-confidence. I can now look in the mirror and I see a person that has overcome multiple obstacles to get where he is and deserves to be proud of himself. I also see a damn good single father and a loyal friend. I see someone you can tell anything to and would never judge you because of his own past. I see the glue that has the strength to help people hold it together. I see hope and a light to those that sit in the dark thinking about suicide or trying to find a way out of a corner that they may find themselves in. I see an old soul that life b@tch slapped time and time again that finally tore that arm right off of life and now uses it as a tool to reach those people in the potholes of life that nobody else can reach.
I am the monster taken from the darkness, given love and a family. Domesticated and uplifted, morphed into something that walks in the light instead of one that hides in the dark alleys. Like a tamed wolf I walk forward in life, protecting those behind me, fighting alongside those beside me and obliterating what stands in my way.
I am the nobody, the nothing, the one here to serve that can help you realize that you are a somebody, something special that is in charge of your own life and you do not need to do anything you don't want to.
I take my stance in life out of choice now but it does not define me. I have been whoever I dreamed to be, whatever I wanted to be and the most ignorant and self-serving individual you have ever met in my life. That is not who I am though. I must be true to myself.
I am nobody, I am nothing, I am here to serve, only now I have teeth.