Most days, especially before I have a cigarette, I feel like a black hole is opening up in my chest. I can literally feel it consume me, piece-by-piece, thought-by-thought. It’s rather sad really. People often say, "Everyone feels like this once in a while." Bullshit. Really? Is someone really going to look me in the eye and tell me, that they know what it's like to feel the way I do? Often they go on to say, "life is a gift, and you shouldn't throw it away," or something along those lines. You see, as soon as someone says that, I know that they have no idea how I feel. Pointing that out can be considered rude however. Offence is not something I take easily, yet for someone to lie to my face like that is deeply insulting to me. So you know what I feel do you?
Life is no gift. It’s a cruel joke, more of a slap in the face really. Why am I even here? Why are you even here? Why are we here?
There are many people who would, at this point, throw in the idea of God, or gods. Otherwise it’s some mystical hippie crap about spirituality. I'll say this, if I owe my existence to an entity of some sort, last thing they're getting is my allegiance and respect. I however do not see any evidence for the existence of a higher power, and I shall continue to live as such.
I tend to self reflect a lot. Perhaps I do it too much, and too often. This is where I turn to what I see as my only options. Drugs. Booze. Buzz. Buzzing is the only solitude I receive in life. They are literally the only things that completely take away all my pain. If you are reading this, you'll probably think at this point, "That isn't the answer," there a good chance you're judging me too, perhaps quite harshly. Now, although in some cases this is correct, I in no way wish to promote drug use or alcoholism. And yet, those two things give me a wonderful release. The swirling oblivion in my heart and the painful itching vibrations in my head all stop, and I have peace. Peace. For a mind and body that are constantly warring, internal serenity, regardless of the nature of its attainment, is beautiful.
(Not sure if this will continue - Immortalex)