It has been nearly a month since I was hospitalized for being suicidal. I spent one night in the hospital and I did an intensive outpatient program that ended last Thursday. I've got hope again, for the first time in a long damn time I have hope. It's not always present; sometimes I lose it again but since that first time I've always managed to get it back but I've also found that hope is terrifying.
That quote is true. When I was well and truly depressed and ready to end it, I wasn't afraid. I was planning on dying and I was okay with that. Waffles was going to punch his own ticket. That was going to be my future. I knew what it held.
Now, I don't. I know what I want out of life but I don't know what the future holds for me anymore.
AND THAT IS TERRIFYING. I'd say it's a logical extension of the fear of the unknown. You are essentially fearing for what the future holds and for me, it's a fear that I had not had in a long damn time and that makes it all the more terrifying.
But what else do I have? It's a double edged sword, I can have the things I want in life but I might not have them. Who knows what is going to happen?
But hope, I gotta keep it or else I have nothing.
I just gotta remember