I Am Not Who I Was; Change Throughout Time

SweetHomicidalQueen
I Am Not Who I Was; Change Throughout Time

No one will be the same person they were yesterday let alone two years ago. If you are open minded and accept the opportunities to learn, you will be a changed person every day.

When I was three or four, I never spoke and I never ate. I was in pre-school (a grade that comes before kindergarten). I was skinny and quiet but I was mostly a happy child. I never really talked to any other kids but when I did, I made one good friend. I never judged and I was never judged. I was just another child.

When I was seven or so, I began to gain weight. I talked more – in fact I never shut up. People began to judge me for not being like them and that’s when the bullying started. I had my books though so I read constantly, all the time.

I’d walk in the hallways during class changes with my nose buried in the pages of a book. Not only did that give them more reason to judge me but it was novels such as Stephen King, I didn’t even read children’s books.

As I grew older I thought I was awesome. Throughout middle school and all of the bullying, I still thought I was an awesome person and I loved myself. I never bothered for trying to get a boyfriend like a lot of girls did then, even though I did have crushes. I was bullied so no one liked me except for the other people who were bullied. I had my books so it didn’t matter. Towards the end though I began to hate myself and I developed depression.

My dad didn’t believe me on how sad I was and he didn’t care so he never took me to get anti-depressants or to see a therapist.

As most of you know there was the time he physically abused me although he was almost always manipulative and emotionally abusive he got worse. So at 13, 14, 15 I was underweight and depressed and suicidal.

I was writing since I was 12 so that was the only thing I had left at that point to give me any sort of comfort until I got a cat and he helped me. I was an attention seeker, I sought approval from everyone and I was a pushover.

I hate admitting this but I did send naked photos to many people whenever I was single. I did cheat on my first boyfriend IRL (He was manipulative, controlling and WAY too jealous but that’s another story). I never cheated on another real-life partner although I was still attention seeking.

I “dated” many guys and a few girls (I’m kinda picky about my girls) online and I did cheat on one or two of them but that’s just cause I never took those relationships seriously.

I was a bad person for that, but at that time I just didn’t see anything wrong with it (Don’t give me shit, I hate myself for it).

This was me from two, three years ago. Attention seeking, depressed, naïve. I took two online relationships seriously, one was with a best friend (female) and another was with the guy who broke my heart.

I believe I wrote about him in a past mytake. The girl and I are still friends, and I hate the guy who hurt me because a part of me will always love and remember him. Also, another story.

Once I left my “father’s” house and moved in with my mother, I was still a bit of that person (that’s when I dated those two people – at separate times).

I just never cheated on anyone in the past two ish years, and I was still depressed and I also developed social anxiety because of it. A therapist even told me I was right in saying I had depression and anxiety (she said it was called “situational depression” though) and I am not depressed 24/7 (that doesn’t mean just being sad) but I do go through fits of depression now and then.

Now, in my senior (last year) of high school, I am not that person anymore. I am not a people-pleaser/pushover as I once was, although I do try to still make people happy. I used to be a therapist to everyone back then too, but now I realize I cannot help anyone else if I do not take care of myself too.

I am guarded now, as you can imagine why, but I am no longer as naïve or blind to the world. I realize now, I do not need the approval of anyone but myself! Now I know that I must find someone to love me for my heart, for once they love my heart they will love everything about me.

I am loyal as can be and I am working on having my middle school mentality- that I am fucking awesome! I am working out, even though I hate it, I’m making myself have a better diet and I am trying a lot harder in school so I don’t procrastinate.

Just because someone knew me from two years ago does not mean they know me now. I think of everyday as a learning opportunity. Every day is a new day for me to expand my mind and my knowledge. I am not the person I once was and I hopefully never will be again.

Anyone can change, but it is not overnight. Change takes time and time needs patience. If you really want to be a new person, dedicate yourself. I promise, it is worth it.

I'd add more photos to help break up the text but my phone won't let me. I'm sorry.

I Am Not Who I Was; Change Throughout Time
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