My Story and Why Depression Cannot Win

KittyImpala67

My story and why depression cannot win

I was nine years old the first time I thought about suicide. Nine years old when I first cut myself with a razor I stole from my parents bathroom.

At the time I was the middle child of three, had an older brother with autism and epilepsy, and a four year old sister. My mother was ill and disabled and my father worked two jobs, we never really saw him. I'd grown up being told that other people have worse problems and I shouldn't add my own to the mix. So I kept my mouth shut and I took care of my siblings and mother, making meals and making sure everyone got their schoolwork done, the house was clean and my siblings got to their activities.

But when I was nine it was too much, and I cut myself while my mum was out with my brother and father, intending to end my life. My sister found me and her screaming and crying stopped me in my tracks, it took ages to calm her down and in that time I came to realize that I couldn't be so selfish. My family needed me around and I was winded by the thought that my mother would be devastated to come home and find me dead, I never wanted to cause that kind of hurt to anyone. After that I never tried suicide again, I still think about it but I won't ever do it, I know I can't do it.

I see so many people who feel depressed or they have mental disorders, and they all just want to give it up, so that they can feel better. Well you know what? Life will never wait for you to feel better, and if you sit in that dark space waiting for things to look up you'll get lost and you'll feel worse. You have to get off your ass, you have to keep going and do your part. You think it's not that easy, I know it's not that easy! But that's not the point, the point is it is possible to continue like normal, it is possible to be happy and live a fulfilling life! You just have to want it and fight for it, you cannot just give up on yourself. You have to be strong for yourself, and for those you care about.

Today I'm 20 going on 21 and I have a wonderful man in my life, I've traveled around Europe by myself, I'm going into one of the most exciting industries of the age and I have a family that's been rebuilt from the cinders it once was. I have an older brother who's autistic with epilepsy who just published his first book, despite being told he'd never learn to read or write. I have a mom who beat cancer four times and tries to be there even when she's not feeling great. I have a father who proved that by working hard you can get anywhere in life, and that showing kindness is the best thing you can do for anyone. And I have a baby sister who's 17 now and is the light of my life, who looks up to me and is such an important person to me. I am so proud of all of them and I can't believe I ever wanted to miss out on seeing such great things.

I come from a family of warriors, we all do in some way or another. Depression can't win because there is so much at stake if it does. You might not care about your own life but there are people out there who do care about it, and you should take care of yourself for their sake if not your own.


Mental disorders do not define you, what you under those disorders defines you. So you have a choice; give up and be a weak coward, or stand up and fight for what you want. I chose the latter and it was so hard, but it is so worth it.

My Story and Why Depression Cannot Win
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