So, I Have a Big Confession To Make

1truekhaleesi

When I was in middle school, I looked more mature than my age. Still to this day, people think I'm Italian and in my early 20's. To be more specific during this time, I had thick textured hair and glasses. In my PE class, there were two classmates of mine always trying to talk to me. Their comments were always condescending and they gradually got worse.

So, I Have a Big Confession To Make

Those comments escalated to them telling me I was ugly, I should switch schools because only pretty girls could go to my school, or that no one cared about me. Eventually, my self esteem hit an all time low. I still remember spending hours and hours doing my hair and makeup. Of course, I told the school but everyone knows that bullying is never taken seriously in America. I remember I broke down and cried as I recalled what the girls told me, right in front of the counselor but she did nothing.

I didn't want to go to school because I couldn't escape the bullying. I went home crying, I fell asleep crying, and I spent my free time worrying about awful thing they would tell me next. Not only were these girls in my PE class, but I also had two other classes with them. I never told my parents because my mom is known for being an exaggerator. And I was afraid the girls would call me weak for going to my parents. I started skipping school, my grades dropped, and I got into fights with my parents about it. I didn't want to go to school, I didn't want to be home, and I didn't have friends to go to. I had many nights that I cried myself to sleep because I didn't have a place that I could be myself and feel safe and not be criticized on what I wore that day.

So, I Have a Big Confession To Make

I started wishing for everything to "just end." Eventually suicide entered my mind. I can still remember sitting on the end of my bed when everyone was asleep and thinking I could go into the kitchen right now, get a butcher knife, and end it if I pierced my stomach enough. I didn't because I was scared. This happened for many, many nights. To this day, when I'm putting dishes and I put a knife in the knife block, I subconsciously cover my stomach with my hand. I also remember that at the time, I had reminded myself that people did care about me and that was because I overheard a conversation. I still remember it and it went something like this.

Person 1: "Did you see _________ today? She looked tired today."
Person 2: "I saw her today. She wasn't even wearing makeup."
Person 3: "I hope she's okay"
Person 1: "same here."

I knew that even if they weren't my friends, they still cared. I started talking to people and let myself be vulnerable. After receiving some tough love, I realized I had to tell them off. Once I told them off, they started leaving me alone. I was in a vulnerable place when the bullying started and it makes sense that they would pick on the vulnerable. So it makes sense that when I stood up for myself, they began to stop. After that, I worked on rebuilding my confidence. I remember that I took a piece of paper and drew a line down the middle. On one side, I listed what I loved about my physical appearance. On the other side, I listed what I loved what I loved about my personality. I'm not saying that when you encounter a suicidal person, to give them tough love. That's just what worked for me. What a suicidal person needs is compassion and someone to talk to. The last thing you should call them is "selfish."

I started taking the time to wear clothes and makeup that I love because it made me feel good about myself and told anyone off if they said I was being a try hard. I started doing hobbies that I enjoy like reading and hiking. To this day, only one of the girls has apologized.

So, I Have a Big Confession To Make

I was hesitant to post this because on another question, a lot of users said suicide is selfish and weak. I love my family more than anything and would never want to hurt them. The reason I considered suicide was because I was losing my battle and couldn't take anything anymore. Because I was suicidal, I still have some habits like subconsciously covering my stomach when I'm done using a knife. I have a very dark sense of humor. Also, whenever I hug someone I am always the last one to pull away. Mainly because you just never know how long a person needs a hug.

My opinion on thirteen reasons why: while I do wish there was more focus on Hannah's depression and her spiraling into suicide, I don't see why it's offensive. What Hannah needed was a friend. When I was suicidal, I needed a friend as well. But yes for some suicidal people, it's true that nothing will save them. Not even a romantic relationship. That doesn't mean we shouldn't try. If you want a recommendation on a tv show or movie on suicide, try Cyberbully with Emily Osment. That one made me cry when I watched it.

So, I Have a Big Confession To Make

Another confession, some users may know me as Ginny Weasley. Or a variation of Ginny Weasley. On the above picture, you will see the profile I set that I liked the best. You don't need to know my name so calling me ginny or Khaleesi will suffice. So, the next time you call suicide "selfish" just remember that the girl you know on here as Ginny Weasley, thought about suicide herself. Also that 30% of veterans have considered suicide. And that you need to get a better understanding of mental health. Alright. I think I have shown enough vulnerability to cover myself for the next five years.

So, I Have a Big Confession To Make
So, I Have a Big Confession To Make
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