Autism aka Autism Spectrum Disorder.
It comes in so many shapes and forms. But that's not what i wanna talk about.
I wanna talk about how much this has effected me throughout my life.
I have always been bullied from an age of 7 till 21 years old. The reasons they used where simply cuz I was "different". I didn't behave myself as the rest did, I had a different view on certain stuff. When someone would keep their mouth shut to not hurt someone, I was the 1st to almost SHOUT it out. Did I want that to happen? No, not at all. But I couldn't do a thing about that. I didn't have that filter (as people wanna call it) like the rest of the kids.
I needed structure in life. When there was chaos going on and I had no structure. Oh boy, you'd better run at that point, I would act out so badly. Looking back for me is hard though. I for one can't remember anything from my childhood up till 16 years old (just glimpses). I blocked it all out purely cuz of bullying that happened. I chose this because it was having a huge impact on my mental state at the time. Life has put me down so many times and yet so many times I managed to crawl back up.
I tried to make something out of my life even though my autism would cause problems throughout it.
Problems with other people (friends), problems with co-workers, problems with bosses, they all happened. I lost my job? I learned why. I lost a friend? I learned as to why I lost him/her. I couldn't work together with that person as I should? I learned what caused it.
The thing that eventually put me in a hole again was when I saw how much I had to change and how much I still have to change in order to fit in, or to be part of it. I lost myself along the way and now I often think back to a point as to where I was a happy young fellow (as happy as I could be at the time). Where did that person run off to? It's hidden somewhere, and I'm hoping I will refind that person eventuallly :).
I've always been a lone wolf or ended up getting kicked out of the pack. Friends come and go, but true friends will have your back. But what if i told yah, the only 2 remaining TRUE friends are autistic as well? Sadly it's hard to have a grown up talk with them due to it. It took me 24 years to finally decide i can't go on like this, at age 22 I eventually hit rock bottom (depression). It opened my eyes. It made a lot of stuff clear to me. I have to get out of my room again (I became a shut in over time).
But even though all this happened, I'm still happy as to how far I've come in life and I'm starting to re-find that goal in life again. Due to sitting at home and being a shut in and a scooter accident I'm having chronic back pains. Due to getting bullied I have a huge amount of fear. At the end of 2015 I made the 1st steps to start and recover from these issues. My pain rehabilitation is gonna start soon. I'm starting to get out of the house more. My money issues have been somewhat resolved for the time being (no i'm not currently working). I can finally start focusing on the future again.
My eyes are set on creating a future for myself and hopefully eventually also for a partner in life.
I wanted to share my story with the world (in this case you people here from GaG :D).
And somewhat I hope it will give certain people a bit of strength :3.
My name is Mark and this is my story.