I have a profound hatred for men including my father, will I ever get over this?

I hate men. All of them. I hate my ex, my father and even men in my family just for being men. For one, my time with men have been nothing but unpleasant. I couldn't even fix myself to date again after what happened between my ex and I. People always tell me there are good men out there as though my only goal in life is to be with a man. I was both beaten and molested by men growing up (uncles and cousins) that will die with me. I never told my parents. Instead, I watched my father physically abuse my mother and have several affairs while I was involved and if I open my mouth, my dad threatened to beat me senseless. I see guys on a daily basis and I hate them. Thing is, I'm not sexually attracted to women at all, but men make me cringe. My ex was physiologically abusive. Since having low self-esteem, I decided to move out with him at 20, just to live with his mom and peeking father who used to watch me come out of the shower at times. The mom hated me. She thought that I was trying to woo her husband. I couldn't be comfortable there anymore. My boyfriend was not bad in the beginning and I thought that he would be the only man I'd ever be in love with. I was able to open up to him about my past and he was very supportive... until he betrayed me. He told one of his friends who used to treat me strange when we hung out. I told my boyfriend that I didn't like him and he called me crazy. Eventually, he started using my past against me. If we got into an argument, he'd say "that's why you deserved to get phucked by them"... all because I disagreed with him. I was 11/12 years old I wasn't asking for it. He used to make me cry always and at some point I felt everybody was against me. I contemplated suicide and got sent to a nut house. I told them not to let my boyfriend in and that's when one of the nurses told me that I needed to leave him. He didn't question her, she said that he acted as though he didn't care and even told me that they should keep me. As of today, my life is somewhat normal. I managed to graduate college and at least have something to be proud of. As of today, I'm a single woman but I have so much baggage that I feel it's unfair for any guy if I wanted to be in a relationship. I can no longer open up to anyone especially men. I feel like I'm alive but not living. How do I overcome this hatred for men?

Sorry it's so long. I'm new here.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I understand where you are coming from. I have been trying to work through my issues with women as well. When you grow up being abused by one particular gender it leaves scars, and you can only open yourself up so many times.

    I think having a low self esteem attracts people that wish to hurt us. Most of the people that hurt us are cowards that only want an easy target. If you carry yourself with more confidence people won't think they can get away with mistreating you. So what I have been doing is working on myself.

    I think power is what is important. If you hand your power to someone else they will almost always hurt you. Humanity is just cruel like that. Once you have your own power, then I have found people will treat you better. Think about it, if you had been the one with more power than those men, they never would have dared harm you. In every case the man had power over you in some way. You don't need power over them, but you do need enough power to stand up for yourself so they don't hurt you. The power I am talking about comes in many forms and includes things like confidence to stand up for yourself, financial independence, knowing self defense, and so on.

    I am trying to work on myself and become more independent and confident in who I am. I am not sure if it will work, but I don't have the same loathing for women that I use to, so I think it may be related to my self improvement. Even if self improvement doesn't cure us, I don't see how it could be bad for us so I think it is worth trying.

    "I feel it's unfair for any guy if I wanted to be in a relationship." This sounds like that on some level you still care about men which tells me what you feel is not true hatred for men. You don't want to hurt men, but you just don't have any faith left at this point not to be hurt by men. Perhaps I am projecting my issues onto you, but I think our anger comes from a place of feeling weak and powerless.

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    • Thank you. It always helps to hear other sides as I could imagine some men feeling this way about women as well. It's tough when you've been dumped on by the opposite sex so much.

What Guys Said 5

  • You have a lot of anger and resentment and rightfully so. Unfortunately this is something that will take a lot of time and work if you ever want to be in a healthy relationship with man at all (which you certainly don't have to be). My advice would be to do what is best for you and certainly stop looking for a relationship as you're in no condition to be in one that will be healthy. If you'd like to fix this you'll need a lot of counseling with professionals. Again, do NOT seek out a relationship right now. You need to fix yourself first and once you feel ready you will probably have a better idea on choosing the right men.

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  • I am sorry that you had to go through all that. Personally, I cannot blame you for what you feel. However, I am going to advocate for my side of the team here. Now there are those who generalize about women and they believe that all women are bad based upon whatever experiences they had with them. Hell, I was one of those that said that at one point. I finally concluded that it does no good to generalize. What we need to keep in mind is that we need to look at people as individuals as opposed to judging people according to any given demographic or group that one could choose to put them in. Again, I am sorry that you had to deal with all that.

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  • Well I'm sorry that your so filled with hate

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  • I also hate women, especially you.

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  • So do you munch rug or what?

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What Girls Said 4

  • Nothing.. men are mean.. they just hurt you.. it happened to me too.. i tried to overcome i end up hating men more

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  • I was raped 3 years ago once by a guy that I had known for 4 years. Can you believe that? He was my friend and I knew him for 4 years. This was not some guy I knew at a bar or some random guy to hang out with. I have dealt with verbal abuse from men too and I have developed trust issues with men as I grew older. I met a guy this year who I thought I was different but he turned out to be verbally abusive too. And I'm seeing therapy months later for years of issues that I haven't even talked about. Im still seeing a therapist. It's a process. I've Been seeing a therapist for 3 months now but I see her every other week and sometimes once a week but I have been dealing with sadness from being unemployed too. And healing is not going to happen overnight. People tell you to go see a counselor but it takes lots of steps

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    • I'm sorry to hear that 😞. It's sad that someone you trust so much would just betray you like that. Counseling does help some, but it isn't the only thing. You have to ultimately live with it and put in the work. Good luck. I hope things get better for you.

    • Yep things can always be worse

  • With some serious therapy. Ask for a female therapist, you can do that, and once you're comfortable with her you can explain all of this and she can help you. You don't have to tell her right away (it took me four weeks to open up to mine). This is something toooo serious to overcome on your own.

    I was molested by my father around the age of eight and I pushed it to the back of my mind until I was a sophomore in high school. Once I remembered, all of my male family members and any man around the age of thirty scared me. I became emotionless and finally sought therapy because I knew I would need to be comfortable with men to have a good career. Although I'm still slightly uncomfortable with older men, my therapist definitely helped me see past what happened to me.

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    • Wow.. thanks for reading. Being molested really can ruin you but it doesn't HAVE to. I just want to overcome this. I get flashbacks in my head everyday of that day and cry. Its tough girl... it's good to hear other stories and it's very inspiring. Counseling is the way to go. Thanks and good luck.

    • Good luck to you too.
      There's actually a group on Facebook of people that went through similar things that we did, it's kind of a support group. Although, I emailed the lady over it once about advice on how to tell my mother, but she never emailed me back. But she might have thought I was spam, or it could be an old email address.
      https://www.facebook.com/TheSurvivorsMark?fref=ts

  • you should see a counselor.

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