Why do so many guys still believe that girls only like guys who are jerks?

I mean yes, a lot of DUMB girls go for the guys who treat them like crap and disrespect them but those are usually the girls who have no respect for themselves either.

But the girls who do have respect for themselves and aren't actually bitches.. Do like guys who respect them and have manners and are affectionate and sweet.

So what's up with this?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Common belief says that there are two types of guys: Bad Boys and Nice Guys, but there is a third type: Good Guys.

    Many, perhaps most girls want Good Guys (though many girls admit to wanting Bad Boys), but the reality is that few Good Guys exist, which is one of the reasons most people only talk about Bad Boys and Nice Guys.

    What's the difference?

    Bad Boys have, or at least appear to have confidence, because they are extremely selfish and, because of their selfishness, don't care what anyone else thinks of them. They also don't care who they hurt. But women, especially young, emotionally immature, and/or emotionally damaged women are often strongly attracted to these men - mostly for their confidence, and sometimes because of the danger and mystery that comes with them.

    Nice Guys lack confidence, and usually know it, so they try to make up for it by being REALLY nice. They've heard girls say that they LIKE nice guys and hate jerks, so they figure "if I'm REALLY nice, she'll like me." But these guys are far TOO "nice" in that they are spineless, never make a decision (thinking if they let HER make the decisions, she'll be happy - but girls don't WANT to make the decisions!), and let themselves get treated like doormats. Many are also whiney and complain but rarely DO anything about their problems. Women don't find this attractive.

    The rare Good Guy is a guy who has confidence, but is also "nice" - but without a BS agenda. He still stands up for himself, takes no crap, isn't afraid to tell people (even girls) "no", has no trouble making decisions, but he DOES take other people's desires and feelings into account. Some Nice Guys might see him as a jerk, but mostly they see him as an "exception" - that Good Guy that they can't argue with, because they GET why a girl would be attracted to him. They just have no idea how to be like him themselves.

    For the Nice Guys: learn to be Good Guys. Quit whining, and start taking action. Improve yourself, improve your value, improve your self-esteem and confidence, and start making decisions. Get comfortable saying "no" to people when "no" is the right answer. Don't be a jerk for no reason, but be ABLE to be a jerk on rare occasions when you have to be. Be "nice" and polite, but don't try to win people over with niceness (use CONFIDENCE instead), and you'll become the Good Guy that gets girls, and that EVERYONE understands WHY he gets girls.

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    • YES YES YES YES YES. You said everything I couldn't and more. This was the answer I was looking for to perfectly describe the situation. This answer is absolute perfection, really. Thank you.

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    • Yep. Pretty well put.

    • the truth hurts for Paulina528.

What Guys Said 32

  • One perspective you are not taking into account: guys have relationships with other guys. We are friends and classmates, coworkers and acquaintances, teammates and competitors. When girls are not around, we see each other's true colors. That is how we learn who is a jerk.

    I knew a man when I was in the navy. As civilians we became business partners. While he was in the navy still, his wife was on the opposite side of the country. With his wife far away, he had an ongoing affair with a married woman. His wife did not see him as a jerk. His mistress wasn't pointing fingers either. Knowing the whole story, I could plainly see he was a jerk. He was also the most charismatic man I ever knew. Without any effort, he could have nearly any woman. He could stack them up like cord wood. All the while, I'M the one without a girlfriend.

    He is but one example among many I have known over my life. It may be that not every guy with a girl is a jerk, but every single jerk ALWAYS had (at least one) girl.

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    • Well yes and it's because like someone else said, they have the confidence. Also... You did state that his girlfriend didn't know that he had an affair... So it's not like she dated him just because he was a jerk if she didn't know he was one.

  • I was never a jerk to girls, just shy and never spoke to them... they never tried speaking to me or trying to get me out of my shell, or giving hints that actually would make me feel that they wanted to get together or go out. not in high school, not in college, not at work, not ever.

    girls want guys to be the ones who open the dialogue. if we don't then almost surely nothing will happen. jerks tend to be confident, and have a lot of social skill, or just say anything and a girl will respond whether it is something good or really scandalous. the girls will talk to them because the guy approached or won't leave them alone, or because they think that they are funny saying stupid pop culture crap or hinting at sexual things and making them laugh. so these guys tend to be jerks to almost everybody... including other guys just because they are part of a certain social scene and find themselves better than other guys. but they still get girls, while the quiet ones who would never say anything nasty or outrageous to a girl will get looked over and walked all over.

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    • This is so true. You could not be more right.

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    • @GirlsLie I don't think he was trying to blame women for anything, he was just describing the reason for the "all women go for jerks"-misconception.

    • Now this is very true. And it's because girls are too shy to talk to guys they like so by being quiet and not saying anything to a girl, you're basically letting her get away. Shy guys need to stop being so shy when it comes to talking to a girl and just accept that rejection sucks yes but it's not the end of the world. Jerk guys usually do have tons of confidence and they don't really care about talking to girls you're right. Also jerks are usually really nice to their friends and maybe girlfriends but they're shitty to everyone else. I think girls just like it when guys make the approach and sweet "shy" guys never seem to do it. So we'll just take attention from whoever gives it to us.

  • Because it is true, if... by 'jerk' you mean a guy who is not conventionally moral.

    Conventional morality is altruism, which demands the sacrifice of oneself to others. That's the 'nice guy', whom girls find so repulsive.

    Conventional wisdom says that there is only one alternative: the sacrifice of others to oneself. This is what is often labelled 'selfishness', though it is in fact not selfish because it is not objectively in one's self-interest to live that way.

    There is actually another alternative, though, which is the correct morality: neither sacrificing oneself to others nor sacrificing others to oneself. This is true selfishness.

    However, because so few people adhere to the correct morality, most women have only these choices: go with the altruist 'nice guy', or go with the 'selfish' (not really selfish) 'jerk', or stay single. And most women choose number two.

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  • Because we NEVER see a guy who is a complete asshat, that is 1) single, or 2) complains about not being able to get women.

    #TheEnd

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    • That's because aashole guys are the ones who PRETEND that they have girlfriends just to seem "big" or if they actually do have a girlfriend it's because they were nice at first to the girl and slowly became more and more of a moody dick once they got comfortable with each other.

    • I have definitely heard about that method. Not all us guys are like that. :)

  • Basically, the first thing I have learned to do is simply BE single. Appreciate being single. And try to cover your bases when it comes to things men think they need women for.

    When you don't need women, you can be selective. You can reject women for things you would otherwise gloss over because "female attention". I have several.

    - If you think serial killers are hot. Nope.
    - If you think more men should be like Christian Grey. Bye
    - If I'm not physically attracted to you, I am not obligated to "try anyway". I will consider it, of course. But I don't owe you anything for giving me attention.

    Here is another thing to consider: Nearly every girl out there considers their exes to be assholes. And when breakups happen, they assume the guy was an asshole and caused the breakup. So we assume the girl was not at fault, and therefore that girls have been dating assholes this whole time.

    My experience has been that girls like guys in their element. It's hard to get a read on someone who seems out-of-place. So it's hard to relate, sympathize, empathize and interact. If men are sexually attracted by what they see, women are sexually attracted by how they understand and interact with someone.

    Another thing to consider is that male sexuality is considered so threatening, and discussed as such, that many of the good guys withhold their sexual feelings to make her more comfortable. But now she can't tell he's interested. Meanwhile asshats never cared, so they are going to make their interest known if it means sexually-harassing you.

    Thus, girls wonder why they "attract jerks" or why the only guys who seem interested are jerks. It has everything to do with how women view male sexuality.

    That's my take on it, anyway.

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  • Most YOUNG FEMALES like jerks. It is true.

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    • I am talking about most in the United States genius.

    • @heartattack25 I have known plenty.

  • Because of this one rule: Guys who are attractive are jerks, and guys who are unattractive are good people. There are of course some exceptions, but there is no denying that this statement is the truth for the most part.

    Why? Because attractive guys KNOW they are attractive, and they KNOW that they can get any girl they want with their looks alone, so they decide "if I'm attactive enough to get girls with just my looks, why should i put any effort into being a good person, when i can just be a jerk". They are jerks because THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH IT.

    Unattractive guys KNOW they are unattractive, and they KNOW that their looks aren't enough to get a girl alone, so they have to compensate for it by being a good person. Unattractive guys can't AFFORD to be jerks.

    Now as for the exceptions that i mentioned earlier: You may say "well some attractive guys are good guys, and some unattractive guys are jerks". This statement is true, but these exceptions are rather rare. Here is why this statement is true: SOME attractive guys DON'T KNOW that they are attractive. They consider themselves average looking, so they too feel like they have to compensate by being a good person. (When in reality, they DON'T have to compensate). And with these guys, as soon as they find out that they are attractive, they will realize that they don't have to compensate, and will become a jerk just like the rest of the attractive guys.

    And some unattractive guys are jerks, because...
    SOME unattractie guys decide to give up on being a good guy because it didn't get them anywhere. So they then become bitter because being a good person just wasn't enough to earn love.

    In conclusion: Guys aren't bitter because girls are attrcted to jerks (which we know isn't true). Guys are bitter because we know that girls would rather be with an attractive jerk, than an unattractive good guy.

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    • Bro, i know I look a bit above average but I never mistreat a friend (male or female). It totally depends on the environment the guy is raised

  • I dont understand it either. I was brought up respectful, good manners, and to treat a lady like a lady

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  • Being a good-kinded guy definitely is better for long-term purposes.

    The problem is that the "bad boy" gives women some sort of initial attraction as well as the feeling of mystery and adventure. Additionally lots of women mistake certain traits bad boys displays - like not caring about what others think - as a sign of confidence rather than a sign of selfishness (there is a very small, but distinct difference).

    Now the problem many "nice guys" face are that they are trying way too hard to be nice. They don't want to offend women, they have no backbone, no confidence, get trampled over, etc.
    In reality - independent of what kind of personality you are - the traits women are attracted to are quite universal. Confidence, strong personality, respectful, being leading without being oppressive nor inconsiderate, honest and straight forward when necessary, having a high status in one way or another (depending on the girl it depends on what she perceives as high status. For some it is intelligence, others want the bulky jock, some want you to be successul in joblife and rich, for others its important you are the head of your social group, etc)
    Furthermore being sensitive doesn't mean being a crying whim, but being strongly empathic. The better you can read her without her saying anything verbally, the more she will like you. Not to mention that male emotionality is different to female emotionality.

    Just a few things from the top of my mind.

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  • QA - The question is greatly exaggerated! No one is saying that ALL girls ALL the time go EXCLUSIVELY for jerks! However, even the female QA admits:

    "[yes, a lot of DUMB girls go for the guys who treat them like crap and disrespect them]"

    We KNOW there is a "jerk" loving contingent among girls! One GAGer guy said, "Every jerk, jackass and felon" has girl friends! So, the real question here would be about the SIZE of "jerk" loving group! How large is this group? Is it 5% of girls? Is it 25% of girls? What are the real numbers on this?

    Susan Walsh from Hooking Up Smart. Com made a youtube video on the subject! She breaks it all down with graphic statistics about women's choices. She gives percentage numbers based on a college campus environment Obviously, no statistics are perfect! But she puts some major light on the subject!

    According to Ms. Walsh's statistics, EIGHTY PERCENT OF GIRLS ARE HAVING SEX WITH TWENTY PERCENT OF GUYS! And nearly ALL the guys getting the sex are categorized as "DOUCHE BAGS"! She admits in her own words:

    "[acting like jerks gets guys laid! And that's the way it is!"

    CASE CLOSED! The whole "girls like jerks" thing has become the clear, overwhelming majority of girls! It's NOT pipe dreams from bitter guys trying make excuses for failing with women! And according to Ms. Walsh, more and more nice guys are successfully becoming selfish DOUCHE BAGS and getting girls because of it! The video is called Douche Bag Math 101! Check it out for yourself!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ESYK8fCEHUQ

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    • The MHO best answer from MrOracle gives an excellent picture of what's going on and I commend him as well! However, the idea of a "Good Guy" is not a realistic answer to the problem! And the true problem comes back to the poor choices that girls are making! Girls can't continue to just play dumb and pretend that they played no roll in the growth of the DOUCHE BAG population!

      There is one thing that jerks, assholes, douche bags and players all have in common! THEY DO NOT CARE ABOUT THE GIRLS! If women keep rewarding jerks, assholes, douche bags and players, they'll have no right to later complain: "Where are all the good guys?"

    • "According to Ms. Walsh's statistics, EIGHTY PERCENT OF GIRLS ARE HAVING SEX WITH TWENTY PERCENT OF GUYS"
      ?

      I haven't seen the video (and I will), but I am skeptical (then again, I usually am skeptical). And how does anyone scientifically categorize someone as a douchebag? Do they measure them with a douche-o-scope? Do they rig them to the playerometer?

    • Bluemax - The Susan Walsh "Hooking Up Smart" website was made to advise about dating and sex. Much of it is geared towards young people. It's has information and references to "game", evolution psychology, statistical studies and so on. The video is talking about a college campus environment. Obviously, you've got to take statistics with a grain of salt! And older guys like us know that things change at different stages of life! In any case, check the video and see what you think! Thanks for responding! Peace!

  • The guys feel that becz they have ego problems! They don't know that they themselves are jerks, they underestimate people. They think that they respect women but most of those men have the aim to satisfy their sexual need!

    My opinion may not relate to the reality; its wht I think!

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    • I think your answer rocks!! Once you realize you're not the devil for wanting to have sexbeith girls (and neither are those guys doing so) its a very empowering thing!

    • @new_avenues Yes it is. Life is not all about sex! Well life is way beyond limit. I say girls are not only about sex they are human beings just like us (guys); so I believe in equity not feminism nor sexism.

    • Well yeah its not ALL about sex for sure but, there's nothing wrong with guys thinking about it and doing it a lot either! Some girls are hornballs too! Ha-ha..

  • people are stupid, all I can say lol

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  • You like guys that treat YOU well. You don't care if they are jerks to other people, as long as it works to your advantage/doesn't affect you.

    Guys see the assholes that have bullied them go out with beautiful women, and conclude that women like assholes.

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  • it is a defence mechanism for some guys

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  • Actually the same reason people hold some (RIDICULOUS) stereotypes toward certain groups of people, such as Germans totally have no sense of humor.

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  • Because jerks are often disrespectful towards others and girls often take that as a sign of toughness. THAT in turn makes the girl feel protected, or, "in tough hands". This may not be the rule but when you DO see it, this is one of the reasons.

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  • experience and observation are two teachers you won't beat in this case...

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  • Not really sure thats what we have heard

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  • We don't. You're mischaracterizing the idea.

    You would never understand what we really mean because you're a girl.

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  • simple most girls either go after these a holes or are perpetually single sure there are a few couples that aren't obvious train wrecks but they are completely out numbered by the ones that aren't

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  • It's based on observation.

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  • Only insecure rejected guys think that.

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  • Because they do

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  • Don't act like it ain't true. Jerks= Good Looking Non jerks= Ugly

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  • Sometimes its just used as a excuse by the guys.

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  • Tbh till now i have seen the same scene whether its my country or any other

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  • Part of it is because so many women like to play the victim. Girls complain about their boyfriends all the time making the guys sound like freaking monsters. Even if something was the woman's fault, after she tells her side of the story to other guys, her man sounds like some kind of super jerk.

    Then when she doesn't fall for the guy that would never mistreat her the way she acts like she is being mistreated, and instead goes out with another guy that she once again claims also mistreats her, then guys start to think she must like being treated that way. When really she just likes being the center of attention and having people feel sorry for her.

    Since guys are trained from a young age not to act like the victim as it is unmanly, most guys don't understand why women would lie to us about how bad her boyfriend is. So we tend to believe women instead of realizing that when a woman complains about her boyfriend that she is normally full of crap. If he was that bad she would dump him.

    I would say the another reason is because a lot of women like guys that tend to act like jerks to other people. So we may know him to be a jerk, even if the woman doesn't see him that way. Women mistake this as confidence, we see it as arrogance and snobbery. Sadly this type of guy is currently what is passing for an alpha male, and is the reason guys are going to classes to learn how to act like an insensitive pricks so he can learn to become what he thinks is an alpha.

    Then there are women that flat out do like being mistreated by their man, and admit they like these sort of bad boys that put them in their place.

    When a guy frequently sees the first two examples, and then the third example admits she likes it, a lot of guys start to group all of these different women together, and conclude women must like jerks, but very few will admit it.

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  • Well for one when girl say they like confidence and all that, and I consider how to be as outwardly confident as possible to accommodate this, I ultimately feel like the level of confidence being asked of me can only be achieved by simply not being as respectful as I want to be and as I think is appropriate. This resonates with the common notion that assholes are more successful with women; they're less self-conscious and more confident because they really don't care about you as much as a person because your thoughts about them hold no weight.

    I don't believe guys believe that girls only like assholes, but certain things typical to assholes are typical to female attraction. I believe that ultimately you would like a guy to be sweet and all that, but he's also not attractive - and attraction comes first.

    If guys do go around actually believing that literally "all girls only like jerks" then they are doing so because their respectful and affectionate nature has been denied by many girls... in my humble opinion.

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    • What kind of girl (besides an idiot) would deny a sweet respectful and considerate guy? I don't know any girl whose done that. And I'm sure there has been but I've never experienced it. To be honest, I feel like guys who are assholes are more confident yes. And girls like confidence... But... Confident guys CAN be sweet and respectful just like guys who don't have much confidence. You said the non confident sweet guys usually aren't attractive but that's not true... My ex was so attractive and so sweet and down to earth to me while we were together.

    • You CAN have sweet and respectful and confident, but as I tried to point out there is a correlation between a drop in respect and a rise in confidence, as you said assholes appear more confident - and confidence is attractive so thus as a general rule sweeter guys will be initially less attractive to some extent, so often don't get to a stage in a relationship wear they get to shine.

      There is some underlying truth to the stereotype, but I think it's very obvious that guys don't agree with it when you phrase a question in such simplistic absolutes. You could phrase is better so you get more accurate responses rather than a general tone that agrees with you because of how you asked.

    • I think you are quite right! Men who are very kind and respectful to women are typically seen by them as WEAK and therefore unattractive! Since most women automatically take kindness for weakness, it's nearly impossible for a men to register as "attractive" to women without being at least a bit of a disrespectful jerk!

  • Somehow it's easier for them to assume all women having something wrong with them than to accept that just maybe there's something wrong with him.

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  • Girls who like jerks believe that's what they deserve so, they settle

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  • More from Guys
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What Girls Said 10

  • Because they'd rather blame everyone else for their problems instead of actually trying to fix them. They'd also rather generalize & put down any man who is successful at getting a girl instead of being respectful of him & possibly learning something from him.

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  • They see it to often !

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  • Because they call the other guys jerks to make themselves feel better, even though they've never really met. I was in a smiliar situation once. My crush was with another girl and I was always wondering "Why is he with that bitch?" But after meeting her, I realized she's actually one of the sweetest person I've met. I kinda get why he was with her.

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  • it makes me so mad when i try to tell a guy that i would never date a guy who is jerk and they say yes you would, you like bad boys i know you do. Even if i did date a jerk we won't stay together for long because i will put him in his place.

    s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/.../...27e9a4ee1a.jpg

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  • Those guys believe they have no faults and can't comprehend there are things about them that are unattractive

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  • I always seem to get underestimated by guys because I'm a "nice person." I really am no joke when I'm angry through. I totally skip bitchy and go straight to having nothing to do with somebody. Guys are turned on by bitchy women but I'm too no nonsense for that.

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  • Because they have bad luck with women and reflect the blame onto women and other men.

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    • I am successful with women. And I have no problem with admitting that I am a bad person according to conventional morality. I feel sorry for 'nice guys'. They have been lied to.

  • They're delusional and need an excuse to act like a jerk...
    but I don't know, and they get older, I find it less of problem - same with girls

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  • Life-experience. I admit that I have seen it happen too.

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  • Because they use that as an excuse as to why women aren't dating them.

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    • I am successful with women. And I have no problem with admitting that I am a 'jerk' according to conventional morality.

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