Eating disorder dilemma?

so I'm 17 and I've been diagnosed with bulimia since I was 15. When I was 15 I had to leave the comfort of my home and school to pursue treatment which inevitably led to me gaining weight as well as in the end getting much worse. The group environment was very triggering for me and I found it hard not to make things a competition and I binged too much while trying to regulate my eating :( I feel like I can't stop eating every time I eat so I either try to avoid food or I'll just binge and purge sometimes huge amounts like 40000 calories or more easily in one day. Sometimes I'll find it hard to eat a granola bar without feeling intense anxiety about what I'm eating and I'll just feel so numb. It's my release my coping mechanism. I get triggered by so many things like being ignored by my loved ones, my sisters, critisim, and failing. I just want be perfect and I can't and now it's like impossible for me here. I spend so much money on binge food think like easily 300-400$ a week and I've ruined my digestive system as well as my sanity it feels like. College is coming up and I just got out of a weird friends with benefits long distance situation which was very triggering for me. It's been about 2 years of constant nonstop binging and purging at least 3-4 times a week. I'm 138-143 pounds at 5'9". I used to be 121 pounds but I went through a phase of trying to recover. I get told I'm healthy looking which fucks with me. I feel so utterly useless I wake up everyday and sometimes my only goal is to binge and purge and lose weight. I can only keep down a small amount of food without feeling anxious. I wish I could try therapy but I moved and my insurance is tricky and I'm balancing work and school is starting very soon :( I want to say I've been feeling increasingly irritable and may have lashed out on two people within the last two days (both of which who deserved it but I should've been nicer about it).


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Most Helpful Girl

  • "my insurance is tricky and I'm balancing work and school is starting very soon"

    You need to make your health a priority. Figure out the insurance stuff, and if you can't, then at least look into what services are offered by your school (If you're in high school, talk to your guidance counsellor. If you're in college, they often offer health/therapy services for students).

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