I know I'm an adult and all, but?

I know I'm an adult and I make my choices.
But I haaaaate hate disappointing my mom.
So, my whole family is rather religious and traditional.
I'm not.
So, they're against any cohabiting. And I'm engaged, going to move in with my fiance next month.
I know they'll find out regardless because we live close to her.
And I know she's gonna be disappointed. Even though it doesn't make sense, I know it.
What's the best way to approach it with her?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I think it depends a bit on what type of person you are.
    One thing I've learned in my early adulthood was that you can't always make everyone happy. When I was a teenager, I did everything I could to make everyone happy. I was working hard in school, I wanted to be loved by my teachers, I also tried to be a very easy child for my parents (contrary to my two siblings who caused a lot of conflicts), I wanted to have friends who like me a lot... I was terrified of having anyone in my life who's not satisfied with me.
    When I became 22 or 23 I finally realized that this is bullshit. You can't always make everyone happy... it's simply not possible. And even if you could, it's not worth trying to change yourself for anyone and everyone. You are who you are and that's that. Of course it's worth to change some things about yourself once in a while but generally speaking, people should accept you the way you are. This is especially true for people who love you. Many people in my family and close friends have at one point done something that I didn't approve of or that made me disappointed. But I accept that every person has his/her way of thinking and living and that there is no right or wrong. For example my dad has a very different lifestyle than me and it's sometimes rather hard to take but I always try to remind myself that it's not my life, it's his. So it's also his choices to make, not mine.

    I think it's important to try to make your mom understand that her disappointment is not fair because by being disappointed, she implicitly assumes that her way of living her life is the correct and your way of living life is the wrong one. Your mom has to understand that it hurts you if she's disappointed because she's basically saying "I know it better than you how to live". Obviously, this is not true because it's not her life. What makes her happy may not make you happy. What she considers morally "right" may not be that way or may not even matter in your opinion. She has to understand that her way is not the only right way. This can be done by putting her in the same position. This takes some courage from your side but say something to your mom such as "What if I told you that I'm disappointed of how you live, wouldn't that hurt you?"

    Finally, being an adult, you also have to learn that sometimes, intolerance remains intolerance. You can try to make people understand but you can't force them to understand you. I guess this sort of ties in with my first point

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    • again. You can't always make everyone happy. It also shouldn't be your priority number one. Your priority number one should be that YOU are happy because you only have one single life and one attempt to makes things right and have fun. If people are disappointed in you, you sometimes have to learn to accept that let it not influence you too much.
      If you think I'm just speaking without knowing what that really means, you're wrong. I have a girlfriend from a conservative country in east Asia. Her parents can't possibly know that I exist because they would totally freak out about it (although we've been together for years). This can hurt a lot, especially since my parents treat my girlfriend very warmly. I also know that my parents in law will be very disappointed of having a foreign son in law. It's something I've accepted and I can take it lightly. If they wanna be disappointed, so be it. It's their time that they waste being grumpy and sad, not mine. I refuse to let it affect me.

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    • You're welcome :-).
      And no problem. See, that's what I meant. Of course I would prefer it if they were more open minded but they're just the way they are. I can't change them and I can't force them to be tolerant. They've grown up in a different time and a very different culture. In the end, I've also stopped caring about it. I love my girlfriend and it's her that I want to spend the rest of my life with, not her parents. The same goes for you. Of course it's a bit more complicated because it's your parents, not your parents in law but still... it's about you and your boyfriend. It's him that you want to live your life with (or at least live together with), not your parents. Think about it this way: if your mom can't accept it, she actually mostly hurts herself with that way of thinking. She's the one who will waste her time being unhappy. You can still be happy. And, as I've learned from my mom who's a therapist: one big lesson in life is that you can't change other people. It might

    • sound frustrating but it's something we all have to accept. The only person you can change is yourself. For this particular situation this means that it's probably the best thing to love your mom and keep about positive opinion about her but, at the same time, learn to not care too much about everything she says. Like my girlfriend does... when her dad holds her another sermon on the phone about how she should be studying very hard and not enjoy herself (not go on vacation, not go on parties, certainly not date anyone) like those typical Asian tiger parents do, she usually says to me after finishing the phone talk "I love my dad, but sometimes he really talks a load of rubbish" ;-).

What Guys Said 4

  • My mother was religious. She never accepted it with me and my girlfriend. But it's not like she rejected me or anything. She just disapproved of it, and was disappointed in me. But not bad or anything. I continued to have a good relationship with my mother.

    Even though she was very religious, she didn't push it on anyone. She exposed it to us as kids, then it was up to us to decide.

    It depends somewhat on your mom, but probably the best approach is to just tell her directly. Then try not to get in any big fight about it. Maybe wait until the last minute before telling her. But don't wait so long that it seems like you are hiding it from her.

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  • Religious? I hate that word. I'm a full-bodied christian and follow Christ to death (or the rapture). I don't know, I didn't even read the whole thing. If you are a monotheist (belief in one God), then don't say religious.

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    • This doesn't answer anything.
      Yes, Christianity is a religion.
      Thus, religious.
      I'm not trying to be demeaning to it, I just am not under the danger beliefs as far as my question goes.

    • Same*
      Not danger

  • just tell her that is what you have decided to do

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  • Do you and fuck tge rest

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What Girls Said 1

  • Tell her you're moving in together as you hand her a wedding announcement?

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