Trusting people again and letting go of the past, any advice or idea how to do that?

I could give a long list of reasons why I have hard time trusting people but all that really matters is that these trust issues of mine our plaguing my life and I want it to stop. It's not even that I don't trust certain people per say, it's that I don't trust myself in trusting the right people because I believed in the wrong people before and I all I ended up was hurt. So, I now I'm constantly afraid that's going to happen again. I feel the more I have invested emotionally, the more scared I am and the more little things (that really aren't that big of a deal), become a big deal to me. And, it's never my heart or gut instict telling me "whoa this isn't right", it's my mind telling me "it's happening again how can you be so stupid". I want to make those thoughts go away and I want to trust again, especially the people in my life that have been nothing but wonderful to me and have wanted nothing from me but to be in my life. I want to be able to enojy those people without any fears or doubts.

So, does anybody have any advice or idea how I can let those crazy thoughts go and just allow myself to trust again?

Now, for my second question (which pretty much ties into the first). How can I let all the pain people have caused me in the past go and not bring into the relatinships (what ever kind they may be) with the people who are in my life currently or come into my life in the future?

I feel every sentence I start that pretains to my trust issues, always is corralated with something someone did to me in the past. Even though I've let it go, I guess I can't really let it go (if that makes sense). So, any advice or ideas on how I can truly let the past go and not let it interfere with my present or future?

Any help someone could give me, would very appreciated. Thanks.


1|2
11|20

Most Helpful Guy

  • If I've learn one thing in life, its that you can forgive someone/something but you'll never forget it. Nor should you, honestly, because that is how the brain works:

    Sources of negative or positive stimuli will key your subconscious towards noticing such things, pinging you to either move towards or step away from those sources should you encounter them again.

    That said, the ultimate problem here is two-fold: You are afraid of being hurt and you want the control to never be hurt like you were again. Its not unreasonable to be afraid of being hurt, but you cannot let fear control you. Fear is supposed to keep you alert and focused, to make you hypersensitive to changes in yourself and immediate surroundings and thus act on them quickly. But you cannot let it rule you and/or paralyze you into inaction. Nor should you allow yourself to become a "hermit" because you are unwilling to open yourself up to potential (but unconfirmed) sources of pain: other people.

    Sometimes, you have to let the walls come down and allow someone the potential to prove you wrong or right in your suspicions. Its not comfortable, I know, but unless you are willing to give up never dating seriously again, you have to give a little.

    The second problem -- that of control -- is tied into the first issue, your fear. You want control over another's ability to hurt you, if only to prevent it from ever occurring again. The problem with this is that people cannot be controlled in that way nor do you possess the ability to control whether someone wants to hurt you. The only thing you can control, in this case, are your reactions and the people you choose to hang around with. Like the former, it isn't unreasonable to want to control every little thing in a relationship, but it is unrealistic and incredibly unlikely that it would come to pass. You have to be willing to give another the opportunity to potential prove you wrong/right in your suspicions.

    I hope this helps.

    0|0
    0|0
    • Thanks, it did and it made a lot of sense. Pretty much the same things my mom keeps telling me and other people.

    • Weird how its only until something relevant comes along that makes a parent's advice make sense, lol

    • Haha, I know right? I just figure she's my mom and maybe she's only saying those things to make me feel better, no what I mean?

Most Helpful Girl

  • I think its fair to say most people have been in some form of relationship at some point: family, friend, or lover, where things have gone sour, but you've got to realize that every relationship you have comes with disappointment, rejection, fear, and abandonment to some degree. There is no prefect relationship, someone you are with is going to mess up and holding them to some standard where they have to be perfect is not realistic. Think of all the mistakes you have made in your life. If for every one of your mistakes, someone in your life, got rid of you, you wouldn't have anyone left. We aren't perfect human beings, and we do make terrible mistakes, and we do hurt other people even if we don't intend to, but standing around and waiting for it to happen or forcing the hand in a way by never trusting anyone, will only leave you lonely in the end. I'm not saying in every situation you forgive the other person, but you have to learn to work through some things with your partner/friend, whomever. Yes, they've screwed up, yes it hurts, but if the situation were reversed wouldn't you want another chance. I think what has helped me the most is giving someone another chance and not just accepting an apology and letting it go, but watching what they do after wards (actions speaking louder then words). If they are trying to do better, rectify the situation, or trying to regain my trust again, they are worth keeping, but repeating the same things over and over and abusing our relationship trust or not bothering to even address a situation is a red flag and someone I know is not worth fighting to keep around. Good luck!

    0|0
    0|0
    • It's not about being perfect and I don't expect perfection, it's just so many things that led to me being this way but it's not one specific person. It's a lot of different things and a lot of different people. And, thanks.

    • Show All
    • seriously good luck with everything. I know from personal experience its hard to let go of the past and I occasionally slip back into my old safety mechanism of putting up that super thick reinforced wall to protect my heart, but I try and I hope you will to, to again, focus on where we are now, which is the present and how do we deal with what is in front of us vs. behind us. We learn those lessons, good and bad form our pasts, but we live and work on what we have in front of us now in the present.

    • Thanks, I really appreciate that.

What Guys Said 19

  • 1. Make sure that you have learned everything that you can learn from your past mistakes.

    2. Take an inventory of how you are different now from how you were when all of this began.

    3. Ask yourself if you would react the same way if those things were to happen again.

    4. Recognize that you learn from your mistakes, so to learn and become a better person, you must make mistakes, and then you must earn from those mistakes.

    5. Talk to an older person who you trust and ask them how they learned from their mistakes. Ask yourself whether what they tell you sounds similar to what you have done with yourself.

    6 Recognize that the people who hurt you were sent into your life to teach you lessons and, in fact, you responded by learning lessons.

    7. Remind yourself that the ultimate test of your ability to learn from your mistakes is to be tested once again in the real world.

    0|0
    0|0
  • First you have to realize that not everyone is out to hurt you. In fact based on what you have stated you already have some good people there for you that are not only ready but willing to help you. I stint and trust need to be paired ( work together ) in order for you to be able to trust your heart or sixth sense if you prefer it be called. The mind can play cruel tricks on your decision making abilities especially if it has confusion thrown in the mix. I trust my gut feeling a lot more now a days , life teaches us a lot through out the years , the importiant thing is to remember the lessons and know where and when they will apply again

    0|0
    0|0
  • I have the same problem. My mind constantly tries to reframe any positive thing in my life as the prelude to a fall, or just a figment of my imagination. Lately I've realized that my true enemy is my own way of thinking. I no longer listen to that voice in my head. Sure, every once in awhile, it might be giving me good advice, but even a broken clock is right twice a day. If I listened to my mind instead of trusting my instincts or simply just allowing myself to have hope, I would NEVER have anything good in my life. I've given up my pessimism. It is toxic. You should too. Sometimes, often even, things DO turn out great :-)

    0|0
    0|0
  • I have never had been in a relationship with girls, but I have gotten hurt a lot by people. It seemed like the problem was me as the circle repeats itself repeatedly. And as time goes by it does not get better. Hope alone will not help without actions.
    I am now stopped wondering why and purely (as much as I can) focusing on to improve myself in relationships with people. I might have flaws or weaknesses in my personality that I am not familiar with. Otherwise, it is others' fault, and there is nothing you can do about it.
    I am not sure about you but if I think about it, I always attract certain types of people. If all the people I attract will eventually hurt me, I ought to change how I deal with people and attract the ones I want. You can also try to recall the good memories of your past to make you less painful. I know it is hard, but if you try hard, you will find some good ones you do not usually remember. The last advice is to be happy, so that you can live in the present, not stuck in the past, or the future you afraid to be. You can achieve it by relaxation as the key is not getting stressed as the more you release your pressure, the less likely you will overthink. You can exercise, meditate or whatever that helps.
    It is very little chance to guarantee that the next person who steps in your life will never strike you, but you do not have to shut down the opportunities just because of it. Life is a long process; you should not be afraid of what is coming next or be impatient about it. Maybe you will have people in your life going to hurt you again, but it is the same likelihood that the opposite will happen.

    0|0
    0|0
  • It takes time and it takes a degree of maturity, courage and conviction to not allow the new people that come into your life to be punished for the sins committed by others.

    I have accepted that no matter what happens in life, there will be times where someone will hurt me and do me harm, but I have decided to cross those bridges when they cross my path rather than flat out refusing to head down paths that could lead to those bridges and that takes courage and convictions and it's not easy when you have been hurt in the past.

    0|0
    0|0
  • The first thing is to trust yourself. How you deal with others depends on how you deal with yourself. You need to have that self belief you need and never ever blame yourself for someone else's mistake. They broke your trust, their mistake not yours. You might think that your mistake was to trust them but no, you only trust yourself, and if they break your trust it depends on you if yoy want to give them another chance. A good way to start is by focussing on yourself, spending time on your hobbies developing them and doing whatever makes you feel good and getting rid if unwanted, creepy negative thoughts and paying heed only on the positive motivating thoughts and promoting such attitude. As Nic Cage says in ahis movie, "I trust two people, one of them is me and the other is not you".

    0|0
    0|0
  • Its tough. No one truly forgets about it all.
    Its just something you have to inhale, and hope those memories or thoughts are left out during your exhale.

    The right friends.
    The right spouse.
    The right kinda fun.

    It sounds silly but you need people to keep your mind off your thoughts and more on the good things in life.

    Cheers ! Hope I helped, even if its only a little bit.

    0|0
    0|0
  • You have done bad things too, guarunteed. Forgive others, & you will be forgiven. However for this to work out in the end for you, you need to do something in addition to what I already said (wich is to forgive & be good)

    0|0
    0|0
  • Simply put, do not trust people. It is truly impossible to tell the difference between who is being sincere and who has an ulterior motive. You can get close to people. just never too close.

    0|1
    1|0
  • They have to earn it. The only one you can trust is yourself.

    "First we try, then we trust" - Benjamin Siegel (AKA Bugsy Siegel"

    0|0
    0|0
  • You'll never be right again. I was cheated on 3 years ago by one girl with 6 guys, I'll never be able to trust another woman again. I'll put a bullet through my brain by the age of 35.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Step one is the get the hell over yourself. You are not so important, even unto yourself, that you need to make a big deal of yesteryear.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Never trust anybody, sleep with one eye open and you'll live longer.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Live in the moment.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Advice? Don't.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Just forget about it and give them a clean slate and a new chance, now can anyone answer my question

    0|0
    0|0
  • I think you will never trust people in easy way until they show really they're trust able or they really deserve your trust that will depend on the days come in your life I mean you will never know the person until the tough situation.

    Dont judge people based on your past not all people same thats fact but I see why you dont trust anymore bc of the disapoint in the past I think if they prove to you they're trust worthy you will leave the past alone but if you didn't meet these kind of people you may not leave the past.

    My advice leave the past alone for your own sake you dont need to feel bad every time you remember it and just take it like you failed in test so next time you won't and learn from your mistakes, also honestly I dont see trust is easy at all I mean you dont need to trust until you really see something great from that person or else you dont need to put trust In people.

    I still beilive you will trust again if somone come to your life and show you what trust really is.

    Good luck.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Mental illness, thou name is woman

    0|0
    0|0
  • It's much more easier to give someone else than to forgive yourself. When you are afraid or anxious, and it prevents you from living life to the fullest, you become angry at yourself and this leads to depression.

    0|0
    0|0

What Girls Said 10

  • I'm sorry for all the people who have caused you pain, ruined your trust and hurt you. What they did to you is a pure reflection of them as human beings and has nothing to do with you as a person. They chose to act in the ways that they did, and that choice had nothing to do with you. It was purely their choice.

    Unfortunately, many of us have been hurt and the result from those actions cause a lot of pain and affect our future relationships.

    You just have to realize that people make choices irregardless of other people. Unfortunately you have had bad luck with people.

    The only thing you can do going forward is realize you can't control anyone and hope for the best when it comes to relationships. Be open about the pain you have been put through and hopefully the person is understanding, loving and caring towards you. Most importantly that they are honest.

    If people mistreat you, focus on how you are feeling and if the situation does not suit you get out.

    You can't control other people, but only how you react to situations. It;s okay to be in pain, allow yourself time to heal. But don't hide away if you truly want to have a relationship.

    0|0
    0|0
  • It will be an active battle to fight against the scars and the feelings that hold you back, but know there is just as much good in this world as there is bad... if not more good since society is progressing forwards. You're young and have your whole life ahead of you. You deserve to be happy and want to find happiness. Surround yourself with positive energy. It's okay if you need to pep talk yourself into letting go and trusting. We live our lives and only ever really truly know ourselves, everyone else is a mystery we take a chance on. You always have the option to walk out if things get rough, but capitalize on the good. I'd recommend going to more volunteer-related events and clubs. They bring out the good energy in you.

    0|0
    0|0
    • Thanks, that's good advice. However, being 28 I don't feel so young lol.

    • Lol I'm 26 going on 27 so I feel you. It's considered young adult though. The entire decade of the 20s into early 30s is about figuring yourself out and letting people intimately into your world and seeing where it leads you. It doesn't work? You can try again without obligation. You know, sometimes I think it really helps to talk it out with people around you. You hear other peoples' struggles and you either don't feel so alone in your thinking or you see how things could be much worse. I know that helps me. But it is an active effort to feel good when you've been through hardship. All I can say is it's worth it to feel good and fight for it despite scars and disadvantages. We've got one life to live

    • You're very right about that and good advice again, thanks.

  • You don't have to trust people but you should feel safe and comfortable around them. Its not a good idea to trust people who aren't trustworthy, it gives them ammunition to hurt you with. You need to overcome your fear of getting hurt and this can be done by building up your confidence, establishing clear boundaries between yourself and others and surrounding yourself with people who can make you believe you are a likeable and loveable person so that you will have the self-esteem to approach and talk to others.

    0|0
    0|0
  • First off, with the people you are close to, you should share these emotions, and how you feel so they can reassure you and you can build that bond even further. The more you let your guard down with them and make those feelings not something you are fighting but something people are helping you to embrace and over come the better you will be at trusting yourself.

    Running from or denying that you feel anything that you feel does yourself a disservice. Even if what you are feeling is related to the past you have to acknowledge it that it is a real emotion, and that is what you are feeling toward that person or situation or yourself.

    Let yourself work through it, be patient with yourself, it takes a lot of work, define what your protective mechanisms are and when you see them or feel them starting to take over STOP. Think about why, tell yourself it matters, it matters right now, but remember that it's temporary and no matter what you feel, you decide the next step. Make a habit of taking a healthy step when you feel those walls come up.

    Acknowledge it, feel it, Decide how you want to live your life in that moment regardless of the feeling you are experiencing you can build positive habits into your issues of trust.

    It is definitely ok to enter into relationships being cautious, just let things naturally take there course. Don't fight your emotions, control your actions and re teach yourself how to trust in YOU and just know that it is ok to make a mistake.

    You will only get better at it.
    You know what you need, define what you need and then learn how to ask for it from the people around you and most importantly from yourself.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Whatever you went through, I'm so sorry.
    My personal two cents are to think to yourself: These aren't the people who hurt me. They don't know enough about me to hurt me. They don't have reason to because I don't know them. I have the power to stop them because I don't have to tell them anything about me.
    To quote 12 kingdoms, an anime you might be interesting in since the main character suffers from horribly from trust issues:
    “It’s alright if I’m betrayed. The person who betrays is a coward! I won’t die! I won’t become a coward! Don’t trust anyone because they lie? If the person isn’t nice, then I can’t be nice to that person? THAT’S NOT RIGHT!

    Even if no one is nice to me, and I keep getting betrayed, I WON’T BE SOMEONE WHO WON’T TRUST ANYONE AND BE A COWARD! This world and those people have nothing to do with it! I’M GOING TO BE NICE BECAUSE I WANT TO! I’M GOING TO BELIEVE BECAUSE I WANT TO BELIEVE!”

    0|0
    0|0
  • its difficult but you need to understand that not everyone is the same I have trust issues to but I have one friend who stands by me if im having trouble with my past so if you have a friend who understands you and your past bring them to meet the new person and connect with them as well as someone you already trust

    0|0
    0|0
  • Find something that consumes all your time. Don't put all of your faith in one person. Only trust people with Certain things. But do something to keep your mind off of it like video games or dancing or horse ridding. Something that you have to put all your effort into

    0|0
    0|0
  • just be happy with ur life ad forget all who made something bad for u, they have to live with it, not u

    0|0
    0|0
  • When you find the answer let me know because I don't know how to let go of the past either

    0|0
    0|0
  • Trust no one

    0|0
    1|0
Loading...