I can't live the guilt of something that happened to make a long story short, in addition to all the other tragedies that have happened in my life. If I don't take my life now I will within the next 4 years. One reason I don't want to kill myself now is I want others to learn from my mistakes so they don't go through what I am going through, and so that I can do good things that will help me get there. I can't live with this guilt.
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No. Suicide is an act of faithlessness. No matter what evil you have done Christ's precious blood removed all sin. There is no sin too great. We have no condemnation in Christ, in other words no guilt in Christ. It's a clean slate in God's eyes, as if we have never sinned. To repent one must simply acknowledge they need Jesus in their life and follow Him, knowing they are saved by faith in Christ alone.
But to kill yourself means that you have no faith in Christ. You believe your life is so screwed that there is no hope left but to end your suffering. This is not what Christ wants for you. He wants you to turn to Him and see how He changes your life around and brings you new hope as a new spiritual creature of God. Christ doesn't want you to give up on life. He wants you to give up on doing things your way, and submit to doing things His way. See if He does not set you on the straight path.1