I'm 21. I've had history of blues & depression off and on for the past 6 years... But nothing compares to the emptiness I feel now. I'm going to school for psych, I find the human brain fascinating but that's about it. I have no idea what i want to do in that field as nothing appeals to me. I look at my fellow peers and they seem so full of life, ambitious dreamers with a passion to make their lives into a wonderful contribution. I lost my passion & desire. So, then I turned to men and sex. I found solace in it for a short while, only now to realize how empty it further makes me feel. I don't believe in love anymore. After my first & only long relationship that turned to be a disaster, I don't want any of it again, and I find myself undesirable by everyone even though everyone tells me I am smart and beautiful. I have guys constantly asking me out, and all I can do is mock them because they don't even care about getting to know who I am.. Whoever that even is. They all think because I'm "soo pretty" and in college that I'm so happy and vivacious. They write my quietness off as shyness and weakness when really I just am lost for words. I have no need to talk when nothing is motivating me to.
I've been hooking up with the same guy for the past month and tonight I couldn't even get wet.. I was so dry and just wanted it over with. There was no fun in it at all. I tried and tried and it's gone.
Driving home from his place, I have never felt so alone and emptied. I couldn't even cry. I look around me and everyone is so busy making "something" out of their lives but to me it's all fake and fluff. It's as if I am longing for something I am unsure of, or if it even exists.. And nothing can match it or fill its desire.
Most Helpful Guy
It sounds like you need to find a passion (a purpose if-you-will) in life. What is happening is that you are looking for a passion, but not finding anything so you are filling the void with whatever you can (like sex).
An extremely important thing to know is that right now doesn't necessarily represent the future. For example, a bit over a year ago, I had depression. It felt like I was trapped in a rut. I was in a major I didn't like, felt like I couldn't get out of it, didn't have much of a social life, and it just seemed like it was always going to stay that way.
However, now I'm much better. Turns out that it does change. It does get better. You just need to persevere through the hard part of life and keep hope.
I find having a hobby helps immensely.
Is there any dream that you've ever wanted to try? Like music perhaps? Acting? Ping pong? Running? If there is, firstly disregard any thoughts of how it isn't practical or whatnot or what people will think. Focus only on how you can do it. For me, music I guess in a sense saved me (yeah cliche, I know lol) because it gave me an outlet to put my emotions into.
I'm actually trying to get into psych myself at my school. On the subject, have you heard of the thing called "free writing" (as researched by Dr. Pennebaker). You basically just write or type your thoughts out in a flow-of-conscience manner for 20 minutes. It isn't important if it makes sense or whatever-- you just need to keep on writing. I found that actually helps quite a bit as it relieves some of the pressure and emotions built up.
Besides free writing, I would suggest seeking help with a counselor sort of figure. Since you are at college, they may have cheap ones you can go to get help. I would suggest getting one and setting up some long term sessions.
by the way, I know the feelings you are going through right now. I had them once myself and I think I remember asking on Yahoo Answers some similar questions with the same feelings put into this one.
Know that it DOES get better and you WILL make it out of this if you persevere. Keep the faith and stay strong.
On a side note, it is a common feeling to look at peers and see them all full of life/passion, or maybe even see them as smarter and whatnot. In truth, they all have their issues. We all struggle in our own ways but hide it well.
I'm running out of space to type, but if you want to talk more about this, feel free to comment or message me.
You can do it! Keep hope in the unknown future!1
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Most Helpful Girl
For as long as you fill your life with meaningless things like no strings attached hook ups you will feel empty. You can't go through one relationship and then just quit when it doesn't work out either. Do you know how rare it is for people to find their soulmate first time around? Literally majority of people will go through a few relationships till they find someone. Out of everyone I know in my life there is one couple who has stayed together since they were 13 but that is about it. So you can't say "I don't believe in love anymore" after a single failed relationship. That shows a unrealistic perception of love and doesn't really help you in any way. I really think you need to focus on finding yourself and exploring the person you are. You can try to do that by yourself or through therapy and the latter sounds like the best option for me. Once you find yourself and realize what makes you happy and feel good your life should become better.0