I feel like I follow all the "rules" to get a guy, and I realised I go bitter because I couldnt get one?

Since i was about 13 years old i often felt bitter about the whole dating idea. The reason for that is that I barely got any attention untill i was 18(which made me think it was something wrong with me) and when I did get attention it was mostly from guys i didn't find attractive. I mean my self esteem was so low that i dated a druggie (weed) for 2 months I didn't even find atractive (I only dated him becaue he was the first guy to ever show real interest in me)

Its safe to say my self estem is very low when it comes to guys and dating and it doesn't really hep that the longest and best (in regards of attraction and excitement) was with a guy who didn't even want a relationship.. we were "involved" for about 3 months.

Anyway, the whole bitter things actually comes from me not being able to uptain a rletionship with a guy i like despite that i "follow all the rules". What i mean by that is that i grew my hair out, i workout and eat healthy (and have big boobs, perky butt and small waist), I dont wear makeup or when i do not too much, I wear nice clothes. I was passive and active in dating etc.. People told me guys want this and that, and when i feel like i have/do all this things and still can't get a decent guy (looks and personality) i got confused, frustrated and a bit bitter.

Now that im older i realise that im absoluty not entitled to a decent guy even if i do everything "right".

i know i expect too much.. i have absoulty have hight expectations towards guys and dating in general. So even though i know im being silly, its hard to not focus on dating and guys, any advice on how to disract mysefelf from guys?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Well, I believe I share some similar experiences with you because I have a visual disability and thus always found it very hard to find girls (they weren't interested in me because they thought I was boring). I now have a long-term girlfriend but I certainly remember the immense frustration and bitterness. I lost my virginity at age 22, which I think is very late... at least for somebody who was ready way before that and already wanted to have sex at age 15. I did have relationships as as teenager but it wasn't exactly the best thing.
    Throughout my life as teenager and adult person I learned two things. They're both relatively frustrating but I'm still gonna tell them to you because I believe they are both true:
    1. You can't fully distract yourself from guys/girls. This is something you simply have to learn to accept. If you're a person who likes sex like myself and you're a person who needs a lot of human interaction, emotional warmth and love like myself, not being in a relationship will always be very hard for you. I can say for myself that I will always find it extremely hard to be single. I know people say stuff like "being single has its merits and cool sides" - I've NEVER thought so. Before I met my current girlfriend, I was single for 6 years and it was hell on earth. I was sexually frustrated, I felt unloved, I was lonely... it was horrific. This might not be the case for you but it's how experienced this bitterness you're describing. Like yourself, I tried to distract myself and to some degree this worked. But there were always these moments where the frustration came back. Therefore I believe that yes, you can distract yourself but only to a certain point. There will always be an aching for love and sex and spiritual connection inside you and somehow, you need to go the Buddhist way and try to accept this.
    2. Love always comes unexpectedly. If you have good looks, you can find sex easily but you can't force love to come into your life. On the day I met my girlfriend, I was thinking about completely different things and I would have never guessed that she would later become my girlfriend. I feel like every time in my life that I actively went looking for love, it didn't come and when I least expected it, it worked out.
    However, what's perhaps also important to mention is that not worrying about it too much is not the same as being passive. The trick is to still be an active person but talk to people without having a particular purpose in

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    • the back of your mind. For example I got to know my girlfriend because she was a foreign exchange student at my university and I helped her get around. I did think she was cute but I didn't help her because I was hoping to get some sex or even a relationship. I just wanted to help her out of kindness and it turned out that this attitude of "if it works, it works and if doesn't, it doesn't work" was a great approach.

    • I know what you're saying makes sense , I just guess im inpatient

Most Helpful Girl

  • I don't follow any rules. Sure, I ask for advice on stuff, but I still go my own way. I didn't really follow any rules to get my boyfriend. I started talking to him one day on a ski trip. My best friend was supposed to come, but he forgot to get his permission slip in so I was left alone. My boyfriend and I were both taking a beginners snowboarding course on the mountain and at lunch, we just got to talking all of a sudden because 1) I had no friends to talk with and 2) his friend wasn't around at the moment. After that we exchanged numbers and started texting and then after a while he asked me to prom and the rest is history.

    I didn't do anything special to get him. I didn't follow all the "rules". If anything, I probably did everything wrong in the eyes of the rules. I probably talked too much, texted too frequently, etc... I rarely dressed myself up either. I just stay me. I liked him for a while before we even started to really talk, but I didn't think I had a chance with him so I didn't do anything to make it possible for me to. I didn't try too hard. Because I wasn't trying hard, my self-esteem and confidence weren't an issue. I don't have any anyway, but it didn't show because I wasn't going after him. I wasn't trying to impress.

    One thing I learned from all my dating experiences is that no matter what you do, you always just have to be yourself. If a guy can't like you for you, then they aren't the right one. I have little confidence in the way I look, little to none. My self-esteem is extremely low. All I have to fall back on is just being me. It's all I can be.

    I didn't even want a boyfriend when I met mine. I was content on being single. Just find happiness in being one with yourself. When you're happy with being single and by yourself, so many things will come your way. When I was younger and even last year, I just kept jumping from bad relationship to bad relationship. I couldn't find solace in being by myself. It led me to a lot of trouble with a bunch of loser guys. When I stopped looking, I found someone worthwhile.

    The only advice I can really give you is to just have fun being single. Go out with your friends and keep yourself busy. I know how hard it is to take your mind off of a guy. It's extremely hard. But, you've got to try to.

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What Guys Said 9

  • First, guys find confidence attractive, and if you are not confident then... Yes it's a horrible repeating cycle. Now I am also going to say that women are entitled to relationships like guys are entitled to sax, or in other words not at all. But there are some great guys out there, and many of them are looking for a great woman.. But you need to see that, and let yourself be seen.

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    • i understand that, and my confidence i most things is slowly increasing.. And i like to belive i do hold myself in away that shows confidence, but i might be complete wrong.. I have confidence in the way i look, but when i date guys i always worried they are only with me bcause of my looks aka only with me to get sex. Im working on my self esteem for sure

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    • sure, im open to new stuff

    • http://www.mantramed.com/ Cory was one of my roommates for a while, and he's a good friend. Becky is a sweetheart and they're good at what they do.

  • Just live your life and be happy. Don't be bitter. There's great guys out there, don't get discouraged and try being patient. Don't hate us all cuz half of us are jack asses. Rules are ok, just make sure it's the right set of rules.

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  • when I was younger I thought I was very ugly cause a girl used me to get back at someone than, around the age of 15 I gave it a shot too see if girls would actually like me come too find out a bunch of girls thought i was good enough looking too kiss and hug, now that im older I careless honestly cause truth is most of the girls don't care about me they just want too fuck

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  • I just focus on school and doing things that Ienjoy because it's very hard for me to find a girlfriend

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    • well i do that too, but i can't be at school and work out for 7-8 hours a day.. so i need an adctivity i can do on the days i dont work out, or the days i dont study etc

    • Don't you have friends that you can hangout and do stuff with when you're bored?

  • Baby... why da fack would u date an alcoholic? It doesn't matter how low ur self-esteem is. U should know better like wow... juz wow :I

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    • He wasn't a alcoholic he Just smoked weed a lot.. and I actually didn't know that he did so before after a month. . So when I started dating him I had no idea

    • Then u shouldn't have mention that if u nvr knew he did that stuffs >.>

  • Rule 1: there are no rules
    Rule 2: refer to rule one.

    lol.

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    • i know that know, but i can't stop thinking about guys and having expectations.. so i need advice on how to distract myself. I already study and work out, but that only takes a few hours of my day.. there are days where I have too much thinking time basically

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    • i know that everything you say is true.. but its hard to get away from a mentality that you're in a reltionship if someone likes your looks as well as your personality.. i do this with friends too.. so its not only guys. I just applied to a study i really want to do, so im sure it will become a bit different when im actually very passioned about my study

    • well, I can tell you from experience, that relationships are hard work!!!
      No one will love you perfectly, not even yourself. However, finding someone who fills in the areas you lack, and vice versa is great!!

  • Sounds like me only with a vagina.

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  • If there's one thing I've learned is that women have to right to be bitter
    when their single but if a guy is all hell breaks loose. Its like a girl admitting
    to cheating everyone believe her excuse like he didn't love me enough, or he was never here for me. But if a guy use those excuse about why he cheated on his girlfriend its oh man up your lucky to have have someone. Same goes for guys when their bitter were told not to be bitter.

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  • Try being more aggressive and sexual

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