I think he's mad because I friend zoned him?

My friend is 38 years old, he has a 44 year old (baby-mama) ---as they call it. (I hate the term, but it's the one he uses). He is unattracted to his baby mama because of her age. He made it clear to me he met her at her peak, and now in the looks department she has fallen off of the cliff. I guess, he hates the mature look. It makes me wonder, why did he decide to date a little older?
He has cheated on her with her best friend and even tried to cheat with me.
Anyway, this guy has known me since I was 20 years old. He says I still look the same as when he first met me. We are really good friends, and share a lot of deep information with each other. I advise him a lot, and he always tells me I am wise beyond my years.
He knows I am going through difficulties in my relationship, some of which I am uncertain of where it will lead me with the person I've been with for over 10 years. He asked me, what do I think about him (dating wise).
I was truthful, and let him know that I don't see him in that way. He let me know the rejection hurt him. I told him I feel so horrible, and that he's such a great friend but i can't see us together. He responded by telling me, if things don't work out with his baby mama the one person in the world he'd want to be with is me. He said he couldn't think of one bad thing to say about me.
Since then, he hasn't been acting like himself. Why ask for the truth if you can't handle it?
I like him as a person, but I'd do myself an injustice if I ever considered dating him. He smokes weed all day every day. He cheats. He still lives at home (has never ever moved out) and can't even provide for his own kid.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Your whole first paragraph listed huge red flags. By saying he was unattractive to his baby mama because of her age basically means he will leave you in 10-20 years. I personally think you shouldn't care about his intimate feelings at this point, keep him as a friend no matter what. Even if he says he is "changed"

    "He has cheated on her with her best friend and even tried to cheat with me"
    He is a super cheater on top of that, he cheated with HER best friend. Wow, thats crazy.

    If i was a potential boyfriend for you i would actually tell you to cut him off cause he is relentless with his sexual targets. He is a threat to any relationship. You should probably be careful with who you call your friends (i didn't say cut him off but distance yourself a little cause y'all are too close).

    38 hasn't move you RED FLAG, Smokes weed EVERY DAY (or at least most days) SUPER RED FLAG, can't provide for kid (WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU EVEN DATE THIS BOY).

    For real, distance yourself a little (still be friends but this guy is trippin) because he is a bad influence.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • You are doing the right thing. You don't owe him anything. Hopefully, he can get over it and you can still be friends, if that is what you want. Personally, I don't think I could be friends with someone like that (smokes weed every day, cheats, doesn't provide for his kid...) There is definitely no way I would date someone like that and I don't think you should have to settle for that either. Also, the fact that he is leaving his "baby mamma" because her looks have faded. No way. What's stopping him from doing that to you down the road?

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What Guys Said 15

  • A guy has to try. Women get mad if a guy they like doesn't take a shot, and mad if a guy she isn't attracted does give it a try.

    Of course attempting to move the relationship into that territory, that shift, win or fail, changes everything. He opened himself up to you, made himself vulnerable, and bonded in a deeply emotional way. He probably dreamt of being with you. You rejected him, which was the right thing to do if you didn't share his feelings.

    Unfortunately this is a sad fact of life. Once he breached that fantasy world and tried to connect it to reality, there was a shock. His world rocked, and now he has to re-adjust. Your relationship with him was never what you believed it to be. Now a reset button has been pushed. I feel bad for both of you. Life goes on...

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  • Mmmm... tried cheating on you?

    Very easy: guy is your proverbial "nice guy". Good dude, just doesn't have much to offer because of wrong choices dictated by is innate Inability to take control of his life. He is what I call an "opportunist" cheater. A hallmark of many good guys who cheat (married men etc) because they couldn't dictate their love life and have to settle for what they get (including mama). Reality doesn't gel well with these dudes when it hits them.

    It's because of this that he is somewhat angry. You are his safe zone and a girl that he would love to be with (you beautiful and a good person). He couldn't approach a girl like you outside his safe zones. So you are a shot. But saying no is a double whammy of both the mirror that he has become as well as highlighting that his one chance went down the toilet.

    No, you don't deserve him. But still be his friend. It will be arkward but don't fall into the trap of "justifying your decision". Just maintain he is not your type, don't give him reasons. that always goes south.

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  • Trust your instincts and stay away from him. yeah he's upset cause he's not getting what he wanted. If he's gonna end this friendship with you over this then well... maybe he wasn't that much of a friend to begin with?

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  • He couldnt handle the truth. he's probably mad at himself that he's the one who really fucked it up. I mean would you consider him if he wasn't a cheater, loser, shallow, and was a good father?

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    • Yes probably. If he were moved out of his parents house and providing as well, maybe i'd see him differently.

    • Yeah so maybe he's mad at himself? Unsure Its too late to fix it. I mean he's chested on her so whats to say he won't cheat on another girl. and he shouldn't get into relationships just on looks alone as well.
      Let him be mad. He made his bed now he's gotta lay in it.

  • You didn't "friendzone" him, you made a smart decision. You only friendzoned him if he views it that way. Regardless, you are not a bad person for rejecting him.

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  • Another post where my "men and women cannot be just friends" theory is true..

    Here we have another "friendship" ruined cause one of them developed feelings.. sooner or later someone always gets hurt

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  • Wow. Sounds like dude is a grade A loser.
    You shouldn't have friend zoned him, you should no zone him!!!

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  • He sounds like a huge winner... Not going to ask you to go into details about the troubles at home, but this sounds like a downgrade.

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  • being friend zoned sucks guess he thought there was more but wasn't

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  • He sounds like a jerk tbh

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  • He is likely sad that you rejected him so I think you're right about him being sad for that reason.

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  • Honestly if he can't accept that then it is his problem. You know that you deserve better don't lower yourself just to make him feel better. I'm guessing that he just wants another baby moma the bang a bit before abandoning her.

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  • Woah... How did you end up in this kind of situation?
    A 38 year old weed smoking guy, who wants to dump his long time partner and his kid for a friend is a total wreck. In addition to that, you say that he cheats and smokes weed all day.
    There is nothing wrong in smoking weed as long as one wakes up every morning to earn his bread.
    He knows that you are having trouble in your relationship and is trying to exploit the situation for his own physical needs, I'm not sure as to whether you too have similar feelings as such.
    If you don't want to date him just because he is your friend, then that is your moral courage. But if you are attracted to him and would want to get in a new relationship, ask him to mend his ways and earn a living for at least a year. How much effort an individual puts to achieve something is the best way to judge a person's caliber.

    Happy birthday by the way ;)

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    • Thanks :)

      I mean, I think there's something wrong with smoking weed, most jobs test for it. He could randomly be drug tested right now at his job , and then what?
      If I want to build a future with someone I need responsibility.
      I am in zero way attracted to him. I don't want to raise a grown ass man and be his Mother.
      Too many red flags.
      He's only good as someone to talk to and that's all as harsh as it may sound.

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    • in life I got to see what kind of a guy he is. He's cool but for a relationship, no way.

    • There is nothing more i can add. I hope you stick to your plan in this situation.

  • Why are you even friends with him? Regardless of other qualities what you described is a terrible human being.

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  • Why ask? Because if you were interested, he would date you. You're not, and that changes things.

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    • I don't see how he would think it's possible that I like him back... he knows the type of men I like.

What Girls Said 7

  • Thats just it he asked in hopes that you felt that way but in reality couldn't handle it, I mean if he wants to be more "attractive" action wise, living at home at the age of 38 isn't going to help him, he sounds like a child to be honest, and doesn't have his life remotely together.

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  • Its immature he is going to get mad about that after you have been friends for so long. He should know it is very risky going there with friends and it most likely won't turn into anything. Just try talking to him and tell him you don't want to ruin the friendship, and you just see him as a friend because you have been for so long, it has nothing to do with his looks or character. Yeah, you mentioned all his flaws but don't tell him all that, just that you would rather be friends.

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  • He needs to accept your honesty. If he can't handle being just friends you'll know and also know he was never really interested in you as a friend anyway.
    You did nothing wrong at all.

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  • He probably just needs time to bounce back from the rejection.

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  • Was he expecting you to lead him on? It seems like some men get mad at women either way

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  • Ha... Sounded like the guy I dated lol... "Heart like goal" exactly what I said to him.

    Based on what he told you, I too would stay away.
    I m glad you didn't fall into his words.
    They make good friends for sure.

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  • The "man" is a complete loser, douchebag and bad person. how can you even be friends with him? Whatever. If he's mad then let him be mad. He's got no reason to be.

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    • He's genuinely a good person besides the fucked up shit he does to his spouse.
      He's just not good for a relationship, but in general he has a heart of gold.

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    • Like I said, you're delusional. Either that or you have a very missed up idea of what a great guy is. He is not a great guy. He is extremely far from it.

    • You're entitled to your opinion and name calling , if that's what allows you to get your excitement for the day.

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