I wrote a poem, what do you think?

This world is in dark colors
Such is scary to the others
They all chose to ignore
This hugely dinosaur
This dinosaur represents
It represents
What only makes sense
All love is ending
Their will be no mending
Fixing is not an option
Love is only an adoption
The adoption of love
Makes you believe what's above
Once it is gone life seems to long
And you are not wrong
For feeling this way
For feeling no shame
The blood is now gone from your veins
As you stair down this empty lains
These lains are dead
But some how they are alive in your head


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Most Helpful Guy

  • There are several spelling mistakes.

    However, it's very mature for a 16-year-old and you understand how people a lot older than you think.

    All love is ending
    There will be no mending
    Fixing is not an option
    Love is only an adoption
    The adoption of love

    This is my favourite bit, in a way reminiscent of the John Lennon song "Love".

    Well done, please post more poems.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I guess it depends on what kind of poem you wrote. There are certain kinds of poems that I am automatically drawn to, while I dislike other types (such as ones that don't rhyme). This one was in between...
    It rhymes of course, but the way it is written is a little difficult to read:
    "They all chose to ignore
    This hugely dinosaur
    This dinosaur represents
    It represents
    What only makes sense"

    That instantly made me lose interest. I've never seen love and dinosaur in one poem. But hey, whatever works for you. If I could suggest something though, it's that you take out the extra "it represents." The repetition doesn't need to be there.
    I'll skip the explanations for the rest and change this a little. It's just to help me understand the poem better. If you wanna go with my suggestions, you can, but your poem is fine the way it is! :)

    This world is in dark colors
    Such is scary to the others
    They all chose to ignore
    This hugely dinosaur
    This dinosaur represents
    What only makes sense
    All love is ending
    There will be no mending
    Fixing is not an option
    Love is only an adoption
    Makes you believe what's above
    Once it is gone life seems to0 long
    And you are not wrong
    For feeling this way
    For feeling no shame
    The blood is now gone from your veins
    As you stare down this empty lane (OR these empty lanes)
    You see these lanes are dead,
    But somehow they are alive in your head.

    Overall, it's a great poem.

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    • I guess adding a zero is close enough to the letter O... "Too" is the proper word instead of "to"
      I didn't mean to pick apart your poem so much. I just like to correct the things I see, even if I didn't make them... I'm a perfectionist. Maybe even a grammar Nazi. Sorry.

    • Lol it's all good

What Guys Said 12

  • It's good. I like it. The second half has a really good flow. I would change this part, though:

    This hugely dinosaur
    This dinosaur represents
    It represents

    The part kinda interrupted the flow, for me. And the repeating "represents" is a bit lazy. Then, if you were referring to size, then I don't think "hugely" fits.

    Did you mean "lanes" instead of "lains", or is that a word I don't recognize?

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  • it's alright, trying varying rhyme schemes and utilize iambic pentameter

    One thing I've noticed many advanced songwriters and poets do is that they also count the syllables of every line and keep them uniform. Shakespearian sonnets use 10 syllables a line. Just some things to think about to help your skills.

    Also, don't be afraid not to be so cynical, there are many ways to eloquently describe the beauty of life. Here's a sonnet I wrote for English class (and ended up sending to the girl it's about) with some things I mentioned, hopefully it will inspire you a little lol.

    If your sacred heart were green as Ireland,
    Another will never man champion.
    For this fierce knight defends, sword-in-hand;
    Defeat comes not from any foreign legion.
    She shines like diamond in a blood red sky -
    A beacon of light for this lost sailor.
    Take my love from me, they can only try;
    Any strive to her will end in failure.
    Yet, I think on how she makes me happy;
    I know she always hates to see me down.
    How could a woman love a fool like me -
    She makes it seem as though I wear the crown!
    To give her my love is what she beckons;
    You’ll find not a better pair, I reckon.

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  • I have a question,
    What is this poem?
    I didn't quite understand
    But now I see,
    The true beauty within
    That relieves the boredom in me.
    For now I shall leave
    With a like on your post,
    A present you shall receive
    And to that I will toast.

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  • Sehr Gut.
    I agree with the other who said that these lines were odd:
    "This hugely dinosaur
    This dinosaur represents
    It represents"
    I think you might want to think about editing the line above them, though, to see if you can change it in a way that will allow the rest to work.
    However, sometimes, a flow ought to be interrupted to put an emphasis on a certain part.
    I do think that the use of "dinosaur" is a bit odd, however, that is my own opinion. It is not crucial.

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  • Its kinda depressing and hopeless...

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  • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZwhNFOn4ik
    First part was ok, second part you hit your stride, well done regardless.

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  • Boooooo

    Roses are red, violets are blue, I have a gun, get in the van

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  • pretty good. nice job.

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  • Very good. You should write poems for a job

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  • WOW! That's very interesting!

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  • It sucks.

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  • It rhymes nicely. I love your poem.

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What Girls Said 6

  • This is superb and meaningful 😊

    I think the last two stanzas would sound better if it were like this:

    "These lains are dead
    But are somehow alive in your head"

    The "they" is unneeded in the original one. The reader would automatically perceive that "they" stands for "leins". As a poet, you might like your readers to put their context interpretation skills to play.

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    • "As you stair down these empty 'lains'"?
      What is "lains", by the way? I don't know that word.

  • It's good. But I also think you should be careful in posting things online like this cause people can steal your ideas.

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  • Sorry but I lost interest at "this dinosaur represents"

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  • I like it. I write poems too

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  • 😍🙌🏻💋💖

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  • It's really forced in my opinion. I think it would be much better if you got rid of the 'dinosaur' part.

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