My mom left her email open on her laptop and I found out that she's cheating on my father. Should I tell him?

My parents have been married for about 27 years. They have their issues like most couples and split briefly when I was 8 years old. They never told me the reason behind it but I assumed it was them needing a break from one another. Now, I honestly had no business in my mothers computer but I knew her password and needed to check something online and saw emails from men on a dating site asking her perverted questions. I didn't see an exchange between them but one in particular she was flirting online with and I felt uncomfortable. I don't know what my father is doing but I know that he had been busted in the past by my mother. After 27 years of marriage is it really worth it? They're old enough, have two adult children and have decent careers. Why are they being foolish? I couldn't think but to feel annoyed that my parents would risk something like their marriage and meanwhile always tell their children to do certain things and didn't approve of every boyfriend I've dated. Well, maybe I'm in it too deep but if you were in my position. What would you do? There's a reason I saw that clear as day.

Updates:
So here I am being accused of being a troll because I decided to go anonymous. How do I know that half of you aren't just trolls yourself? I've honestly never been so disappointed in an online community my short amount of time here on GaG. Shame on you!

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Most Helpful Guy

  • As a person of faith, I know that sometimes doing the 'right thing' can mean that people with wrong motives or hearts will take advantage of it- after all, the one that I follow was tortured and killed for it. Yet we are all messed up in various ways- sometimes different ways- and showing mercy to others, whether or not they appreciated it or show it back, can help us more than it even helps them, and is the only way to break cycles of hurt. Showing empathy can mean a lot.

    I do not know your own beliefs, but were it me, I would begin by praying about it and seeking counsel as you have. "In a multitude of counsel there is wisdom" I would also keep a copy of some of these things first. Then, I would have a friend I trust greatly to be discreet- perhaps someone not connected to the family, but who shares my faith, a mentor or close friend, and let them know what I is going on, ask for their prayer, and then speak personally with my mother. I obviously know her, she is my mother- so I would confront them one on one, and ask them about it. I would come not to accuse, but to understand- you do not know everything going on. I would also come from a perspective of trying to encourage them to open up to your father, to make it right and apologise.

    This might be hard- because clearly she has shown him harshness while doing the same thing now. This is a hard topic, because I faced something this reminds me of once- and I lost a young child over it. But I believe the right choice is to confront, and then if this person is strongly resistant to it, and is not willing to consider going to confess to your father, then you must re-approach her with one or two others.

    Go into this situation with the right heart- a desire to heal, not destroy, and make decisions from that perspective. Many here will simply say 'go set things right'. Even having been wronged and hurt myself by someone doing something similar, and having lost so very, very much to them- I cannot say that would be right. If we do not forgive and show compassion, and love, how can we expect it ourselves?

    You know your parents as well, you know their hearts. It sounds like you feel your mother has treated your father harshly, and is now guilty of the same thing she was hard on him for. She might feel justified in it, because he 'did it first'. This cycle will never end if it is is not broken- and hate, hurt, will not break it only make it worse. But she -is- wrong, two wrongs don't make a right.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Couples married this Long and who Still Remain Strong, and with the Same Name... Still Have love for one Another as your Father and Mother. I know all about it, believe me.
    I feel that it Is their own Business, But maybe if I was in your shoes here, dear, I would sit my own Mum down, and make no Bones about it, Approach and Broach this Sore Subject.
    Let her Explain, even if it a Lie with any Guy and Try... To be There for Both of them, do Not take Sides, Just Stay Neutral.
    I have found with my own Folks that Staying the Arbitrator I am Not... A Traitor.
    Good luck. xx

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What Guys Said 25

  • Don't. He's better off not knowing. She's better off him not knowing. You're better off in them not knowing. If I were in your position, I would not say shit. Unless I actively wanted them to divorce, which I don't.

    Why are they being foolish? You clearly know nothing about humans. It's exactly because they've been married 27 years.

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  • Oh man. Your in a tough spot. I don't know what I'd do. I feel that your mom and dad probably need to see a therapy or something if they want to save the marriage. she's on those sites for a reason. she's fulfilling a need she's not getting from your father. And maybe those sites and flirting is al it would go but never actually meet up. Basically she wants to feel wanted and yohr dads not making her feel that way. Maybe talk to her about it. Your an adult now and it sucks but I think you should do it.

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  • There is a possibility that your dad already knows and/or doesn't care. It sounds like they've been having problems in the marriage for a long time and are likely only still together for you kids (so common). Maybe not, but it's a very real possibility. They also might have an open relationship? Regardless that will teach you not to read her emails lol. It's not your business anyway what they do, ie they are going to do it anyway one way or the other. I know it's upsetting but my advice is to stay out of it.

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    • My parents seem to still have a very active sex life. They both married young in their early-20s so I don't know if that has anything to do about it but recently my dad has been a bit disgruntle about his health.

  • Oh shit what a thing to discover. Tell your mum u know first and give her a chance to explain.

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    • You mean give her a chance to come up with a lie and prepare herself for a divorce so she can come out ahead. Because that's what telling her first will actually do.

    • @Barrabus_the_Free Exactly what I was thinking. You never give a criminal/asshole time to scheme

    • @Melcart23 this is her mother! It is the best thing to do, she has seen the proof so she can't lie. Could be her father allows it, maybe watches her... better to talk with her mother first and get some answers.

  • honestly: i wouldn´t. at that point if nobody knows about it, nobody gets hurt. if it was a relatively fresh relationship, i´d tell them.

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  • After 27 years of marriage honestly I would just turn a blind eye. What is it to be gained from this.

    If you are adamant then have a coffee with your father, just tell him you want to spend some time with him. Then build into it, and without any opinion of yourself simply describe what you told us.

    Just remember you will be caught in between.

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  • That's a tough situation. I favor telling the person that is wronged personally.

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  • First of all you said they both split? Means are they divorced? Or they took a break? And came back together?

    And what do mean by your father has been busted by your mom in the past?

    Anyways you should directly tell you father about it... it at least her first...
    Your father should divorce your mother... As she is not a good women..

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    • They split for about a year when I was 8 meaning that they lived in separate homes. They're back together and has been since then obviously.

  • lol getting irritated only feeds the trolls. Sometimes women love to just get compliments and others enjoy getting fucked. Like a few users i know here *cough* smh i would tell him. If you are old enough to leave home do it.

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  • Leave thing as is. I been in the same boat, and you know what if I interfered I may have made things x1000 times worse. After a while everything settled and my parents still together.

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  • LOL... a similar question was asked about a dad by a ANONYMOUS FEMALE too...

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  • perhaps they have an agreement to sleep with other people? you are kind of quick to assume its cheating.

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  • Sadly, you should tell your father. Shame on your mother for what she did.

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  • why are you reading your moms shit?

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  • I'd save the info somewhere... and talk to my mom alone about this. "What are you doing"

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  • I think you should confront your mother first about it and then reevaluate from there.

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  • Just leave it alone.

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  • I'd tell your dad if I were you.

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  • Women tend to justify other cheating women mostly. I think you won't tell him.

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    • She's my mother he's my father you moron.

    • Your "cheating" mother. If I had a the same case. I would not see the face of cheater forever.

  • Naww it will come out one day

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  • @polocrew, stay away from her mommy -_-

    Problem solved

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  • Confront her

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  • Forward the emails to your dad's account :)

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  • I was 16 when I discovered something like that. I assumed that my dad knew it (she was 15 yr younger than the old man).
    Thus I shrugged.

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    • Don't snitch: you don't know what happened between your old people.

  • If your daughter found out your husband was cheating on you, wouldn't you want her to tell you? As you said there is a reason that you saw this clear as day. You should tell him he deserves to know. If there is a chance to save their marriage through counseling or therapy the longer she cheats, the longer before its exposed, the harder it will be to save.

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What Girls Said 18

  • Well I like to say things how it is and I admire the people who say things as it is. Its a nice trait not many people I know actually have, sad to say. Ignorance isn't necessarily bliss per say. Its all how you look at it though. I would tell because this is a very unhealthy situation and plus I am an honest person. If I were you I'd also give the true derails as to hiw I found out. That is just me though. And I know, I am only 17 going on 18 in a few months. What do I know? Well I went through it.

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  • I say don't do it. Talk to your mum about it over coffee, be kind about it. They've been married for a long time and this can happen. Cheating isn't wrong and tell her how it has made you feel but I suggest keeping it between your selves and finding a solution or underlying issues. Maybe they need marriage counseling? Try and help or understand your mum and help where you can. Help your dad too, bring them closer together. I don't think you should tell your dad though. Talking dirty on the internet, as bad as it is, is not worth a divorce.

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  • If they have both done to one a other in the past, I tend to think I would talk to my mom about it first. Try to get her to admit to your dad and decide what they need to do from there. I would definitely give her the chance to tell him first. Sorry you're in that position.

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  • oh damn, been there, but with my father, I didn't tell my mum, but she ended up finding out, I suggest you take your mother out for coffee, and talk to her, woman to woman, tell her you unintentionally saw the messages, and you felt uncomfortable, be complete honest, and talk her through, maybe your father is doing the same thing and she's not feeling happy and lonely, and then you can try and bring your parents together, tell you brother/sister and you guys can make a dinner just for the two of them and you guys can stay a night at a friends house, and let them reunite again, because trust me, going on dating sites, is a major sign of loneliness, Ik how u feel dw ur not alone, but yeah that's what I think

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    • telling your father will make things worse between them, and you, because really, that's their business, not yours, I mean its your mother and father, but the relationship between them is between them and their daughter/sons shouldn't interfere unless its really needed and their kids are well grown, married, etc.

  • Talk to your mom before you do anything. Even if you decide not to tell your father, you should still ask her about it. It's important to know her side of the story before you let it change how you see her. You know what they say, "To assume, is to make an ass of you and me. Good luck with whatever you decide.

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  • Stop asking the same question.

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    • Do you have a life? Like I'm not trying to be rude, but do ANY of you, have a life? I get on here occasionally in my spare time, and I always see you and the same other users on here. And it's not just answering questions, it's being rude. You're always telling someone to " stop asking the same question" . People can post what they want, and do as they please. It's the Internet. If you don't like it, how about you just skip the questions that offend you so much. Better yet , how about you get a LIFE, outside of the Internet.

    • @Lovrlylinda39 hun you need to back off. I don't like generalization. @Lovrlylinda39 stop asking the same question! Your not allowed to have dupilicated accounts. I am going to have to report you.

  • If you are an adult child you should
    1) never invade anyone's privacy.
    And
    2) have your own computer like the one you typed your trolling story from.

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    • Because nobody ever visits their parents house without theirs.. or has theirs break (like mine currently is.. oh no, does that mean I'm not an adult and a troll because I'm borrowing my SOs computer?).
      And contrary to popular belief, sometimes people DO just stumble on things. She didn't need to type every single thing she clicked on and typed before she saw these emails. That's not the question.

      Maybe she was being a snoop - yes. Maybe it was a complete accident - yes. Once she realised could she have stopped? yes too, but by that point she'd already discovered the secret anyway.

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    • how exactly does this impact your adult life? You've already admitted what you did was wrong. How is me retelling you bullshit? And if you don't think talking to your (fellow adult) mother is the best course of action, what in your infinite wisdom would you prefer to do? Maybe break into your adult fathers computer to get dirt in him too? Reaching out to a community fr advice doesn't work if you only hear what you want to hear.

    • You guys are so mean...

  • Stay out of it. There's a whole side to your parents you don't know. You don't know what you're parents are into, what they've done in the past, or how their marriage is really going right now.

    Stay out of it. Forget what you saw. And remember that your mom is just human. If they split try to love them both. Don't lose respect for your mom

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  • Your dad might know about it - if she's busted him before then maybe she's trying to even the playing field by doing what he does.

    Myself, I'd just pretend I didn't see it. Not my business. They're grown adults, let them deal with it.

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  • Don't get involved in your parents marriage. Let them work on it. That's not your job as the child. It sucks that you found out about it, but you need to let them fix it.

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  • You are upset, right. But do you know background? I personally feel that your mom didn't get enough care and love from your father. In desperation, she tilted to others. In such cases mostly the men are responsible for pushing their wives away.
    Better to stay neutral.

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    • Are you kidding me right now?

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    • @Healthnutwannabe2
      Without probing both, we can't adjudicate who is wrong: woman or man. Either of the two could be at fault.

    • Now you are making sense

  • I would tell her to be honest or you will be... Then she will have to own up to it... Just my take...

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  • I'd confront my mother

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  • Stay out of it

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  • They may have some agreement you don't know about. For all you know, they have group sex all around the house. 😮

    You're all adults - it's really not your business.

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  • Hey OP can you tag apple in this and so she'll know that I am cancelling my own account because I'm not going to be accused of being a duplicate of your account just because I took up for you. I'm sick of these same users thinking they're the Internet police, bossing everyone around. Sometimes you may ask a question twice because it gets no replies. Or maybe you just fucking wanted to. Why does it matter? But I don't wanna be on a website that's so full of rude, I have a stick up my ass, people.

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    • @apple24

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    • Gag is full of self-righteous stuck up people who always want to call someone out like they've lived the holiest of lives.

    • Exactly , and after all it's just a fucking website. I see the same people on here 24/7 like do you do anything with your lives?

  • Your father may have suspicions already and knows mom's best. I would however hint it out to mom that you know

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  • Tell her you know.

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