I'm doing a lot better today, Tell me a joke?

I just want it to stay that way,
Please tell me a joke.
:)

Updates:
2mo Come on, people everyone knows at least ONE joke

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Most Helpful Girl

  • We're from near Boston so I'll throw ya some Irish jokes

    An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!

    What's the difference between God and Bono?
    God doesn't wander around Dublin thinking he's Bono.

    and finally, one good one about the Irish in Boston:
    A Texan walks into a pub in Southern Boston and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give ya 500 bucks to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
    The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the guy.
    The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
    The Texan gives the guy the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
    The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

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Most Helpful Guy

  • three girls are at the the doctor with chest pain.
    1st girl goes into teh doc's office. he asks her to remove her shirt and he sees a big red H on her chest. the doc asks, "do you know why there's a reddish H on your chest?". the girl explains, "my boyfriend goes to Harvard and when we have sex he likes to leave his college sweatshirt on"

    2nd girl goes into the office. the doctor asks her to remove her shirt and reveals there is a large blue M on her chest. the doctor asks if there is any reason she'd have an M on her chest. and the girl explains, "well my boyfriend goes to Michigan and likes to keep his college sweatshirt on when we have sex"

    3rd girl goes into the office. the doc asks her to remove her shirt and reveals a large red M on her chest. the doctor says, "let me guess your boyfriend goes to Maryland?" and they girl responds confused, "no my girlfriend goes to Wisconsin, why?"

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What Girls Said 36

  • Not sure if you'll appreciate this one because it's a bit morbid..

    A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

    "How about having sex with a cat?" asks the zoophile.

    "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

    "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," suggests the murderer.

    "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," says the necrophile.

    "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," proposes the pyromaniac.

    Silence takes over... and the masochist says:

    "Meow"

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  • I can't remember whole jokes. But I can tell you some punchlines:

    "On second thought, you keep the duck."
    "What did the chicken do?"
    "It's a Mexican pissing in a barrel."
    "Now you have to drag the bear back to camp."
    "I'm not sharing this one with nobody."
    "He's trying to tell you to fuck off."
    "Stops them from jumping on the bed."

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  • I have a few for you:

    1) Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye.

    Doctor: I suggesthink you remove the spoon before drinking.

    2) I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality!

    3) what do you get when you breed a cow and a shark?

    I dunno but I don't recommend trying to milk it!

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  • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lhdeC-yYMI

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fmf3jIQ5TZY

    Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one single drop of paint on their habits. After discussing it, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

    "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

    The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

    "Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"

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  • A German, an Indian and a Greek cross a bridge and suddenly Death blocks their way. He tells them:
    'It's time to go to hell, unless you can stand me hitting you. You can choose an object for shield.'
    The German is first.
    'What shield you you want?', devil asks
    'A big rock to hide behind', he replies.
    The devil hits once and the rock breaks. He hits for a second time and the German starts crying and shouting.
    'Go to hell', devil tells him.
    And the German goes to hell.
    The Indian is second.
    'What shield do you want?', devil asks.
    'None', he replies.
    He doesn't need any shield because he's a trained fakir, used to lying down on beds with nails. The devil hits him once and he doesn't react, he's just sitting calmly. He devil gets angry and hits him harder again and again. After a while he gives up and declares:
    'I spare your life'.
    Then, it's the Greek's turn.
    'What shield do you want?', devil asks.
    'The Indian!

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  • Once upon a time a there was a man called Bob. One day Bob went for a walk and saw a lady taking an alligator for a walk; so he wandered up to the lady and asked her if her, "does your alligator bite?" And the lady replied "no." Bob bent down to pat the alligator and it bit his hand. "I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOUR ALLIGATOR DOESN'T BITE!" Bob yelled angrily. "Yes." Said the lady, "but this isn't my alligator."

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  • Terrible jokes that are mean make me laugh so hard
    67.media.tumblr.com/.../...ccuJt1qffxfto1_1280.jpg

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  • Totally didn't copy and paste this from another website lol:
    A Scottsman, a Chinaman, a Pom and an Aussie were in the pub debating whose country was the best.
    The Scottsman reckoned his was the best, because we got the greenest grass.
    The Pom reckoned his was the best because they had the most beautiful flag.
    The Chinaman reckoned his was the best because of their Great Wall.
    The Aussie said we're the best, 'cos we got the kangaroo, and that can jump over your great wall, crap on your grass and wipe it's ass with your flag!

    P. S. Good to hear you're doing a lot better :)

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  • Why is women’s soccer so rare?
    It’s quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit

    Le dumb husband
    She: I have a doctor’s appointment today but I really don’t want to go…
    He: Just call in sick then.

    I was going to start a Procratinators Club. But then I realized I’d have to reject anyone who actually turned up at the meeting so I decided to put it off again.

    You sneak into my room, unnoticed; you gently touch one bit of my naked body after the other until you find the most desirable place, then you start sucking. Stupid mosquitoes!

    A wife hangs up after about a half-hour on the phone. The husband is surprised, "Wow, that was quick - usually you women are at it for two hours at least!" "Yeah, well, it was a wrong number."

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  • lol!!! That got a Big rise Out of me, @COCOACHANNEL. I can almost Hear Her saying it.
    Glad to Hear @Waffles731 you are Better. No Joke to be Feeling under the Weather. xx

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  • Did you hear the one about the pencil?
    It didn't have a point 😒

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  • Did you hear about that kidnapping at a school?

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  • Aww I'm so happy you are doing so much better 🌹

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    • 2mo

      😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱 OMG! IS IT REALLY YOU? 😊🙈🙊

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    • 2mo

      Hah get on my level 😎 I obviously take steroids but I might wanna cut back on that 😂

    • 2mo

      @Mario21

      😂😂 I'll keep practicing 💪👩😂😂

  • What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
    Nacho cheese!!!

    You gotta like this
    https://youtu.be/Iu90z9Akxgk

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  • I am glad (:

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  • Don't know any jokes (apart from my life) but glad to hear you're doing better!! 👍

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  • Yes, stay happy! No Blue Waffles...

    ... couldn't help myself.

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  • Why do teachers write your mark with letters after the number?

    For those in Philology class to understand what mark they have gotten.

    Okay, this is funnier when you know how does the educational system work in Romania. 😂

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  • I don't know what the best thing about living in England is, but the flag's a big plus

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  • Why do you think Cersei from Game of Thrones is named that way?
    Because she is bitter af
    i804.photobucket.com/.../DSCN3233.jpg
    Okay... I have to admit, only Caribbean people will get the joke...

    I took my wife’s family out for biscuits and tea.
    They weren’t very happy about having to donate blood though.

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  • I'm glad you're doing better. :)
    And I hope you stay this way.

    Unfortunately, I can't tell you a joke because I suck at it. :(

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  • That's good :)

    My homemade jokes are too crass lol

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  • Do your legs hurt?

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  • What gear does a computer drive in?

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  • What do you call 4 blondes on the ocean floor?
    An air pocket.

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  • Your mom lol!

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  • How are pepper's nosey?

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What Guys Said 35

  • A guy is sitting at a bar. Another guy sits down next to him, and they get to talking.

    "Where ya from?" asks the first guy. The second replies "I'm from Ireland.", to which the first guy gets very excitable. "Get out! I'M also from Ireland! Bartender! Get us a round of Guinness for our beloved homeland!"

    They drink and continue talking. "So whereabouts in Ireland do you come from?" "Dublin!", replies the other. "What? Amazing! I'M from Dublin as well! Bartender, a round of Guinness for the beautiful city of Dublin!"

    The drinking and talking continues, and one asks "What part of Dublin are you from?" "From the south side", the second guy says. "Unnnbeeeelievable! I too am from the south side! Bartender, a round for the south side!"

    More talking, more drinking. "So where did you go to school?"
    "St. Aloysius!" "I can't believe it... I went to St. Aloysius! Barkeep! A round for St. A's!"

    They continue still. "When did you graduate St. A's?" "Well, I was out in 1976..." "WHAT? I was ALSO a graduate that year! Bartender, two Guinnesses from the boys of the Class of '76!!!"

    Meanwhile, at the other end of the bar, another patron has been watching the two excitable men for a while. The bartender comes by to see if he needs a refill, and the guy asks "hey, what's all the commotion over there? They're all riled up!" The bartender responds, "oh don't mind them... the O'Reilly twins are just drunk again."

    Irish joke, because Boston☘

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    • 2mo

      AHAHAHA that's actually funny

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    • 2mo

      LOL, yes there is xD

    • 2mo

      @MaLifeBeLikeOooAaah
      www.gifdivision.com/.../11_-_ovwyeh4.gif

      Glad my area of the States is called New England and not New Ireland. A lot of towns are named after places in England, so they're easy to say and spell. Ireland is way harder. I'd be FUCKED if this was New Scotland. I ain't trying to live somewhere called Aberdyllglenlochfiddichyrie or some shit🙄😒

  • My wife told me that she's fed up with all the kinky sex stuff I make her do, and that she's leaving me.

    I was so shocked I nearly shit her pants.

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  • Your momma so fat she fell in love and broke it.

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  • Q. What do you get when you throw a grenade into a French kitchen?
    A. Linoleum Blownaparte!

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  • Here is the best jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival
    www.telegraph.co.uk/.../

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  • One day little Johnny was walking up a hill pulling his red wagon behind him saying, "F**k this," "F**k that."
    The town priest hears this and walks up to Johnny and says,"You shouldn't swear like that, Johnny. God is all around us."
    "Is he in the sky?" asks Johnny.
    "Yes," says the priest.
    "Is he in that bush over there?" asks Johnny.
    "Yes," says the priest."
    Is he in my wagon?" asked Johnny.
    "Yes," says the priest.
    "Well tell him to get the f**k out and push!!!"

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  • I've just started a holiday with a connecting flight tomorrow morning. Guess what was sent to my phone this morning from that airline.

    Go to gate X now! Chop chop!

    I hastily rebooked it for tomorrow morning, thankfully only costing me £130.

    My colleagues were hooting with laughter for a while. Gits.

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  • Remember when you where standing next to the president?
    There was a tourist asking "who's the guy with the tie standing next to Waffles?" :D

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  • What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?

    ... A pickpocket snatches watches...

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  • am sick I need jokes

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  • My penis size.

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  • Eyyy man

    Are u a communist? Cuz I wanna see your Mao Zedong

    Baby you're a popsicle and I wanna suck you until you're a dry stick

    Pickup lines are all I've got m8

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  • Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

    A bear walks into a bar, eats a woman sitting there. Bartender says, "That was a bar-bitch-you-ate."

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  • Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court. At one moment the judge speaks to Mickey and says 'but you say here that your wife is crazy' to which Mickey responds 'i didn't say she was crazy, i said she was fucking goofy'

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  • So there were two peanuts walking down the street and one was a salted... huh, huh get it?

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  • a wife comes to her husband and say kissing him : good morning bb
    he looks and says : how much money do u need !!!

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  • What did the girl with big boobs order when she went to McDonald's?

    A McTitfuck. Lol.

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  • Glad to hear that you're doing better.

    If you want lolz, check out my new beard :)

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  • What do engineers use as birth control?

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  • Maintenance loans.
    AM I RITE?

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  • How many ants does it take to fill an apartment?

    Tenants

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  • My life and my sex life

    Noooo-no-no-no-no-no-no-nevermind! It's not even funny.

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  • Sorry, I'm not good at jokes.

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  • Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
    Husband: "You have perfect eyesight.

    A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

    A man asks, “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God responded, ”So you would love her.” The man asks, “But God, why did you make her so dumb?” God replied, “So she would love you.”

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  • The free market works.

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  • Guy: Baby I love you! :*
    Girl: Your Xbox broke, didn't it?
    Guy: Yep

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