Music lovers, how are the lyrics that I just wrote?

VERSE: The world is wheezing
to play a wheeze.
the natures' tempting us to live free.
There is a spark is your eye
nothing to burn, the fuel given to you
is a lie.

CHORUS : So right now,
I am clueless
expectations are fruitless
Do this, Do that,
never ask, never care,
for what I crave
so right now,
I am clueless.

VERSE: All I need is a hand, a hug
and the strength to get up.
and begin my journey
to the center of my heart
yo tailor, help me stitch
a hope to end this
clue less start.

Updates:
1mo is it more like poem or what?

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Its decent. But what message are you trying to convey? A song must be ALIVE not DEAD. So unless your songs have purpose, nobody will understand what your trying to say, except that it sounds good. See songs are about CONNECTIONS. If people can't connect to what your saying, they'll think it just gibberish with good tones. Songs are poems too.

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    • 1mo

      The title is clueless... does it make sense?

    • Show All
    • 1mo

      I would love to help you more. But take as long as you need to learn. Never rush and try not get frustrated. Because that's what happens to me from time to time. I'm still learning too. Never give up. The more your practice and fight to get better. Trust me, you will. And soon you might start selling your own cds in the future.

    • 29d

      I am so looking forward to it... I am srsly really passionate about music sound... I can't pass a day without it... and once I sang in the choir and the cheffuer said that i had a great voice (which highly motivated me )...

      And by the way I am actually in 12th grade and I will continue my engineering for next 4 years... and in those years I am planning to take violin lessons as well as dance lessons and years after that I planning to get a coach...

      Is it a good plan or am I rushing?

Most Helpful Guy

  • I'll be frank here, but don't take it the wrong way. I'm a songwriter and I know critiques can help make one better.

    Alright, I think it could use help. First verse comes off as better worded than second, but some of it doesn't make sense. To play a wheeze? What does that mean? Also, how does nature tempt and how does that relate to your central theme and/or the rest of the verse?

    For the chorus, what is your theme here? You are "clueless," but what are you clueless about? Also, how does it tie to the first verse?

    There are some cliches hurting you too in my opinion. "Spark in your eye." There are many many songs that have to do with sparkles/sparks in her eyes. I would consider rephrasing it.

    As for the second verse, I'd honestly consider redoing the full thing. It's not as strong as the first verse and suffers from the emotional content being cliche. It feels a bit too much like 16 year old emotional drama and is lacking the uniqueness.

    For the chorus, I feel it could require a bit more substance. There are the words "I am clueless" and then the rest seems a bit like filler words. Granted, I tend to listen to a lot of metal. Maybe it's just more pop style. 😅 in my opinion though, I'd work on it.

    So overall, I feel it could use some work. It needs a bit more depth and a bit more uniqueness. You need to really solidify your main idea (ideally the chorus) and make sure things tie into it. I think those things are often correlated to each other. I know I may have sounded a bit critical, but I say it all for the sake of trying to help.

    To help with that, I suggest writing an outline of your ideas and then putting in the fancy lyric-words after. I also suggest putting a bit of variation between the verse ideas.

    For instance, I wrote a recent song about how a man changed for the worse in a relationship. The first verse was about him before the change, the chorus was his intent for the change, and the second verse was about after the change. It's all about change, but each section is tweaked. This helps your song stay fresh and also I'd say lets you explore more word choices. It's easier to sound unique talking one way about 4 versions of drama than talking 4 ways about 1 version of drama.

    If you need more help or have any more questions, lemme know.

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    • 28d

      I respect your critical response... so Okay... i need to work on some common sense (LOL) and on bit of the smooth transition... cause I too feel like "where is the song going!"
      and yes avoid cliches...

      by the way answer to your question...
      1. to play a wheeze (the British meaning) a clever trick.
      2."nature is tempting" according to what i thought: it points out to the birds, the wind and the wild. And it kind of makes less sense but all looking at all those free creations we get confused between our social duties and our self-satisfaction (hence, CLUELESS).

      4. well the 3rd answer kind of answered it.

      i will make some changer and pm you if thats okay?

    • 28d

      Ahhh yeah than the wheezing line makes more sense. I wasn't familiar with the phrase. The nature line makes sense on it's own, but what I was trying to say was that I feel it is a bit rough of a transition to the next line. (You start with and freedom and then you jump to romance with another person. Based on my first reading, I was tying "clueless" to mean to the narrator having trouble with a girl and not knowing what to do next.)

      Yep, that's fine with me. I'm not an expert in song lyrics, but I can give my best critique. :)

      Do you have a rhythm/instrument part written for the underneath part?

    • 28d

      nah still a newbie... this is like my first work i haven't done anything related to music... yet

What Girls Said 10

  • *takes of sunglasses, and looks you in the eye* ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

    You my man may just be the next hit star. 😎
    *applause* Bravo, bravo, bravo. 👏 👏 👏

    I write songs, by the way. I have been doing that for awhile, now.
    All I have to say is you did a good job for your first time.
    Just make sure that when ever you write a song, you write it so it can touch people, and so that they can relate to it.
    Well done, dude. 👊

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    • 29d

      thank you so much we both can write songs together just give me an idea and i will write a part and you write yours... so after that on sundays we can correct each other if you agree

    • 29d

      thank you so much we both can write songs together just give me an idea and i will write a part and you write yours... so after that on sundays we can correct each other if you agree..

    • 29d

      Okay. 🙋

  • Wheeze and free? Do not rhyme lol

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  • sounds pretty good actually. Put some rock music behind it, and it's gonna be awesome! Is the title 'clueless'?

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  • The first verse is a little weak so you need to give it a tweak.
    The rest of the song is pretty good, and i can't think of any way to rhyme with good

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  • I dig it! I a horrible songwriter but I love to sing. whats the tune you had in mind?

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    • 1mo

      I just read on a website that to write a song you don't need to know the tune...
      It said write what you are feeling in your heart... then try to make it rhyme after completing it raw... then just recite it with resonance to your feelings and you will automatically get a tune

    • 1mo

      Sounds good, either way, it has good lyricals

    • 1mo

      Thank you soo much... :)

  • not bad except for the fact you say wheeze twice. That's not good

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    • 28d

      they differ in the way we say it... wheezing means a suffocating noise while wheeze means a clever trick or scheme

    • 28d

      Still not a fan

    • 28d

      okay.. will try to make you a fan of something different... haha

  • It's great keep on writing ☺️ I write poems too I find it so liberating

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  • I wish someone could sing it

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    • 29d

      in 3 years i will... still haven't got any training

    • 29d

      3 years... ouch... I can't wait that long
      I like the lyrics though

  • it was good except the "yo tailor" made everything feel cheapened compared to the other quality lyrics

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    • 28d

      any suggestion? i couldnt find anything more hyped than that... pls do share>... :)

  • Meh. Is it ok? Yea. Is it amazing? Nah. Do I understand what you're feeling at the moment? No. Can I relate to it? Also no. How does one play a wheeze? I don't know.

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    • 1mo

      Wheezing means constricted sound while wheeze means a scheme or a trick

    • 1mo

      Well this is the first song that I wrote... I need people like you to tell me what's wrong... if you don't mind can you point out my mistakes in details :)

What Guys Said 11

  • It's pretty good. I also wrote songs, never recorded in a real studio or anything.

    You may want to try suffering the subject in the second verse. Yes, it's the same song and subject, but maybe make it less personal, or take out some lines that are not exactly needed because I think the listener/reader can get he point.

    What kind of music are you going to put this too? As I read it I'm hearing a pop or pop-rock kind of sound, but I may be wrong.

    Kee writing though, you may come up with better ideas, not to say these aren't good, but sometimes if you let the song kind of 'incubate' for a while you can come up with better stuff. Good luck with it

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    • 28d

      well i you are right about the genre... this was my first try... and i aspire to do a better job than this... any mistakes you like to particularly point out?

    • 28d

      See I cannot fault mistakes, because it's art. Art shouldn't have rules, nor should creativity. At least that's what I think.

      Oh and up in the answer it said suffering the subject it should have written differing the subject. Spell check sucks

    • 28d

      gotcha my friend

  • Ummmmmmmm i sorta liked the start but then you went down hill fast, to many emothions in there dude, try to find the "soul" of the song, dont just pour your feelings without a sure beat

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    • 29d

      yes i kinda just did exactly that... poured my feelings haha will have to take a look at the beat too...

    • 29d

      Ey its a soild start man just put more of you in it rather then just the feelings, i think everything will flow when you get it going

  • Not bad. Obviously, I could get a better idea of it with music, but just reading it, it's not bad at all. Keep it up!

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  • Nice use of alliteration. Song topic needs work because it's depressing.

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  • Tough one - I remember talking to a songwriter and he said, poems and songs are totally different, you would probably have to hear it with music and how it fits into the song style to see if words are suitable but as it stands now it is good

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  • A bridge between the the first verse and the chorus will make a smoother transition but other than that it's pretty great

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  • Think clueless beginning would flow better at the end there.

    Not sure about the wheeze/wheezing part, but otherwise its good anyway :)

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    • 29d

      wheezing is sharp whisper when suffocating and wheeze is a clever trick or a scheme

  • have guitar make it 3 minutes and chords. and will be a hit lol

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  • age 16, Yup lines up lol

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  • Don't try to make a living off of it.

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  • You have to fix a lot of words because some words doesn't go well with the tune.

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    • 1mo

      Haven't decided the tune yet... but will do so thanks !! :)

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