VERSE: The world is wheezing
to play a wheeze.
the natures' tempting us to live free.
There is a spark is your eye
nothing to burn, the fuel given to you
is a lie.
CHORUS : So right now,
I am clueless
expectations are fruitless
Do this, Do that,
never ask, never care,
for what I crave
so right now,
I am clueless.
VERSE: All I need is a hand, a hug
and the strength to get up.
and begin my journey
to the center of my heart
yo tailor, help me stitch
a hope to end this
clue less start.
Most Helpful Girl
Its decent. But what message are you trying to convey? A song must be ALIVE not DEAD. So unless your songs have purpose, nobody will understand what your trying to say, except that it sounds good. See songs are about CONNECTIONS. If people can't connect to what your saying, they'll think it just gibberish with good tones. Songs are poems too.2
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Most Helpful Guy
I'll be frank here, but don't take it the wrong way. I'm a songwriter and I know critiques can help make one better.
Alright, I think it could use help. First verse comes off as better worded than second, but some of it doesn't make sense. To play a wheeze? What does that mean? Also, how does nature tempt and how does that relate to your central theme and/or the rest of the verse?
For the chorus, what is your theme here? You are "clueless," but what are you clueless about? Also, how does it tie to the first verse?
There are some cliches hurting you too in my opinion. "Spark in your eye." There are many many songs that have to do with sparkles/sparks in her eyes. I would consider rephrasing it.
As for the second verse, I'd honestly consider redoing the full thing. It's not as strong as the first verse and suffers from the emotional content being cliche. It feels a bit too much like 16 year old emotional drama and is lacking the uniqueness.
For the chorus, I feel it could require a bit more substance. There are the words "I am clueless" and then the rest seems a bit like filler words. Granted, I tend to listen to a lot of metal. Maybe it's just more pop style. 😅 in my opinion though, I'd work on it.
So overall, I feel it could use some work. It needs a bit more depth and a bit more uniqueness. You need to really solidify your main idea (ideally the chorus) and make sure things tie into it. I think those things are often correlated to each other. I know I may have sounded a bit critical, but I say it all for the sake of trying to help.
To help with that, I suggest writing an outline of your ideas and then putting in the fancy lyric-words after. I also suggest putting a bit of variation between the verse ideas.
For instance, I wrote a recent song about how a man changed for the worse in a relationship. The first verse was about him before the change, the chorus was his intent for the change, and the second verse was about after the change. It's all about change, but each section is tweaked. This helps your song stay fresh and also I'd say lets you explore more word choices. It's easier to sound unique talking one way about 4 versions of drama than talking 4 ways about 1 version of drama.
If you need more help or have any more questions, lemme know.0