So yesterday I sat around binge drinking with my friends complaining about being single... again. At this point everyone knows it's my fault. I get hit on all the time by fairly attractive girls. Some that have amazing personalities too. And I am not very shy. I thought maybe I was just not over my ex but it's been at least two years since I've even seen her. One of my friends who I actually found attractive just lingered and gave obvious signs that she would be interested in having sex again. And I just ignored it. It's like I want to be wanted but I'm not sure if I actually want to be with anyone. Has anyone experienced this before? Is something wrong with me?
Is it possible to be addicted to loneliness and not know it?
What Girls Said 2
Are you clinically depressed?
Because if you're clinically depressed, then, I absolutely understand what you're doing.
I had VERY severe manic/depressive (bipolar) phases when I was younger. (The two extremes are very much still there -- but, like every other hormonal/emotional thing, they've stabilized a bit now that I'm old.)
When I was in my depressive phases -- Not only did I shove away everyone who loved me and everyone who wanted me, but, I even took a unique, spiteful type of *pleasure* SPECIFICALLY from rejecting people who loved me, or wanted me, or cared about me.
I had enough empathy to be able to see directly into people's hearts -- but, depression has this way of making you WANT to hurt other people. Especially people who love you, or who want you.
Because depression tells you that hurt is good, and that hurt is comfort, and that hurt is life. And so you WANT to make OTHERS hurt. Because when you're *that* kind of depressed... hurt is all you know.
And so, I would use that empathy... to hurt people.
I would look right into their hearts... see EXACTLY what their emotional weaknesses and vulnerabilities were... figure out EXACTLY what the most hurtful things I could say to them would be... and then I'd say them. I'd say those things just to see people's faces dissolve into a mess of hurt and tears -- and then my OWN face would do the same thing right afterward, and I'd start sobbing, and we'd hug each other, and everything would be OK for five minutes, until I'd fucking do it AGAIN.
I probably drove my father, and my brothers, and my best friend, away... hundreds of times. If not thousands. I ripped out their hearts and stomped on them, because it felt GOOD to do that to someone close to me, in a way that only a person going through life-seizing clinical depression could ever understand.
(And... here I am, 25 years later, and ALL of those people are still here for me, and they've NEVER left my side. Why? I don't know.)
... is *that* what's happening?
If so, then,
• Get whatever help you can
• Don't be too proud to accept that help
• Fight on
• Life WILL get better... and you'll eventually end up with much, much more self-awareness (and maybe even wisdom) than most people.0
It can be so peaceful and restful to just not have to deal with other people at all. I don't know if it's being addicted to loneliness exactly, since you clearly do like socializing with your friends... which sounds like the opposite of loneliness. But maybe going beyond that seems draining.0
What Guys Said 1
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