Is it self hate to be unattracted to one's own race?

Question

I used to find the guys of my own race the most attractive when I was younger, but over the years, my attraction towards them have slowly dwindled down, and now I am somewhat repulsed by them at times. This has something to do with possibly being bombarded by their presence in the past, and later diversifying my group of friends in college, and discovering guys of other races are actually more attractive. I feel like even the ones who are considered uber attractive in my race look mediocre to me compared with other races. I kind of perceive them as impotent yet way too sexist compared to men from other regions of the world. This coupled with the fact I do not find them as physically appealing have sort of drove me away from them.

Fast forward to today:

I was recently talking to my brother, who was trying to convince me to date a guy from my own race, because I'd find more cultural compatibility and therefore a successful relationship/marriage. I feel as though, I don't have any compatibility with guys of my own race since I grew up in the western part of the world and after college I sort of found my own medium of what sort of culture I'd prefer in my life. This is in addition to me lacking any attraction to them. My brother accused me of suffering from self hate issues. But I feel otherwise. I actually value my looks and am proud of them. I am comfortable with myself and my body and my negative perception of the males of my race has nothing to do with how I perceive my own self. I just don't want to be with a guy from my own culture/race.

Have any of you gone through something similar? What are your thoughts on my brother's reasoning? Are his thoughts justified or is he in the wrong?

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

So you are saying you are a girl brought up in the U.S and you don't find yourself compatible with guys from back in India? or Indian guys who have been in the same boat as you?

If you say the first one then that comes off as no surprise at all to me. However, I would add that not all Indian people are that way and so if you look hard enough you will find someone you like.

If you are saying later then that too happens sometimes. I have lived in both places ( India and the West) and I have seen Indian people here in the west who although have probably lived longer in the western part of the world than me...they are still either less assimilated or tend to act in ways that I certainly wouldn't want someone representing a person from India represent. I mean its like sending a redneck from the U.S and saying he represents this country. f***!

India has a pretty big population so I am not sure which part or what kind of locality your family or Indian friends are from. Basically depending on the region you will find some very awesome altruistic people who are quite genuine and have worldly views to people who are down-right sh*t, ignorant, racist, sexist, prudes, a. (Honor killing, Dowry, Forced marriages, killing of baby girls, rape)

If you are saying you feel unattracted to the physical appearance of most Indian men then rather than their personality then I think its just a preference issue.

Your brother is right statistically that when it comes to relationships its best if the spouse is from the same culture. Mostly because it leaves less things for a couple to argue about or feel different about. Cultural similarity can make them feel they understand each other better and so your brother does have some validity there. You mentioned your brother and other Indian men do not treat women well; what exactly do you mean by that? which exact behavior are you condemning?

ZMP17 · Accepted Answer

OH GOOD I'M NOT ALONE YAY!

I seriously don't find an attraction to my own race because my parents were pretty much racist to all other races. It kind of backfired on them.. Karma's a B*TCH

It's not self hate.. sure I hate being my race but I love myself :) You can't really hate yourself. I wake up happy everyday so I only have one side of the spectrum.

Secondly, I've read enough to understand that genetic diversity improves gene pool, expands culture, you're less likely to have mutant babies, and much more fun life experience.

Teal_Star · Accepted Answer

I used to be exactly like you. It's not self-hate, BUT the way you feel now is due to the negative views you have upon the males of your own culture. I'm Hispanic and I went through the same things as you described. I found that white guys gravitated more towards me more than my own culture. I have natural beauty and my personality is more in line with what non- Hispanic males would prefer. I felt as though Hispanic men did not approach me enough and it was because they were too shallow and lacked intelligence. After dating white, black, and Asian I realized that my culture is a big part of who I am and what made me be who I am today so it was important. I began dating Hispanic men, which is something I said I would never do, and it opened my eyes to what I was missing. They are no better or worse but there is certainly an instant connection that puts me at ease. I just recently visited my father's home country and I realized how much I loved my heritage and my family. I came to the conclusion that whatever my future husband may be, he definitely would need to fit right in with my family by understanding the culture and the language. Hope this helped :).

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Hello,

I understand what you are going through, and I do think about the same as you. I am Taiwanese and not at all interested in the men from my country. I also grew up in the west, so I am more in tune with the western culture. My family on the other hand believes that I should end up marrying another Taiwanese because our culture and language would fit better and make me feel more at "ease" right... Asian men are very chauvinistic, they think men are superior than women and that women should be submissive -.- This is not me at all, I actually have a strong character and will never be submissive. I am not experiencing self hate because I love myself, I love the way I look and how I am. Everyone has diff preferences and just because someone doesn't think the same as others doesn't mean they are wrong. Love cannot be forced, neither can preferences. We'll always have our own preferences no matter what anyone does because we're just being ourselves, though we can always change but that's up to us. Don't be afraid of being yourself, that would be self-hate, allow yourself to be free and you'll be happy.

uknowatidono · Accepted Answer

I am the same way. I'm Korean and I find Korean men less attractive than Caucasian males. My parents are totally against me having non-Korean boyfriends and I'm 24... I totally can related to you on how after you went to college you realized about yourself and evolved to the person that you are now. I, too, was very involved with my own race and hung out with only Koreans (at church) but hung out with diverse group of people at school. I just listened to my parents as far as them telling me to date only Koreans until I went away to college, and I realized that I don't find Korean guys attractive at all. I don't like how they always hang out with only Koreans, their gestures and manerisms...those things turn me off. And especially the whole--stay with your own race thing...I mean why would you immigrate to America to only socialize with your own race? Why not adapt to the western culture whole-heartedly? I still have few close friends that are Korean (mostly girls) but I prefer to date and meet people that are not only Korean but other races too. I like to have very diversed friends and connections.

Anaya · Answer

This is how I felt throughout most of my teens and 20s. I was NOT attracted to Indian men and wanted nothing to do with them. I think it's a difficult struggle for anyone who lives outside the country their parents were raised in. You don't want to reject the culture you were born into but you also know you have to figure out a way to assimilate into American culture in order to fit in. I am Indian-American and I grew up in a very white town and there were few Indians such as myself. I really think this is a self-esteem issue that a lot of young people (of any race) may struggle with, trying to figure out who you are, where you fit in, what you can offer the world. I am 37 now and married to another Indian. It just worked out this way, not because I actively went out looking for someone Indian but as I grew older I realized how much of Indian culture I appreciate and am proud of and it's nice to have my husband by my side who can help me to pass our shared values/culture onto our children.

slipslender · Answer

honestly, I don't think it's self-hatred...it's more like growing up in a western culture, acclimatizing yourself, and really melding into your environment... though I think cultural compatibility is really important in solidifying a relationship, if you're just not interested from the get-go, that detail becomes superfluous...maybe your brother thinks that you've lost your connection to your culture, or maybe that you're embarrassed of your culture? blatantly refusing to date anyone of your culture is a little extreme, imo.

SueDenim · Answer

I think you really already know the answer - you're attracted to the exotic. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. It certainly doesn't make you self-hating!

Your brother's point of view hinges on a serious error - that you'll have more in common with someone of your own race. That's not necessarily the case at all. You're obviously a well-educated woman, so would have more in common with an intelligent, educated guy than you would with a guy who just happened to be the same ethnicity as you, but is perhaps not interested in education (or anything else you may be interested in).

I'd say you are the best judge of who you're compatible with - not your brother! Find a guy you enjoy spending time with and who's physically attractive to you. It shouldn't matter what race he is. Everyone has preferences, and no-one can choose what they find attractive.

Prof_Don · Answer

I wouldn't say that you're suffering from self-hate, as in you do seem to (in the most non-perverted way) love yourself.

However, it does seem as if you're stereotyping all Indian males as being sexist & weak, & that mindset, imo, is affecting your dating practices. When you see an Indian male, you implicitly perceive him as a emasculate sexist, & that is why you're writing this post.

There's nothing wrong with finding other races attractive, or saying that you find men of other races more attractive than your own. However, what is bad is that you're unfairly stereotyping an ENTIRE ethnic group of men. Not just any ethnic group, but YOUR ethnic group.

It cannot be psychologically healthy to hate a large portion of your own people.

bazooka · Answer

I guess it's just a preference. I've lived in India my whole life, but if given a chance I'd wanna be with a girl of another race. Indian girls are beautiful it's just that I've been around them since I was born and so if I got a chance to meet a girl from a different race, it would open me up into unfamiliar territory. It's like how some people would prefer to eat Chinese food, after being tired of eating the same food everyday (it's just a general example, I don't intent to say girls = food, hell no)

Living-the-ADvenTURe · Answer

I don't think there is anything wrong with you at all. I admit I have a thing for Mexican guys, and sometimes African-Americans too. I often feel that guys from other cultures are so much nicer and more respectful towards women. I know this is very stereotypical, some guys are different, although guys from other culture have a way with girls. It seems that their culture is so much more polite, romantic and fun. The fact that you have in your mind that all white men are sexist and unattractive though is curious. But really, if you rather be with someone from another race, than that is just your preference and I don't see a problem with it!

Anonymous · Answer

I just read your question and not all of the details to it, but I think it's just your preference. I think it goes a little beyond preference when people start negatively talking about guys/girls of their race. For example, a black guy might say black women are loud/obnoxious and that's why they won't date them. Some Asian women will say that Asian guys aren't masculine enough. Not only are they generalizing about members of their ethnicity, but they are putting down their fathers/mothers, brothers/sisters, and other friends and family. There's a small group from every ethnicity and both genders that do that, and I hate that. I'm not insinuating that you do it or anything. I just wanted to get that off my chest.

Anonymous · Answer

No way. Sure things may be easier to date inside your own race, but it's not a requirement. Love is never easy. The only people that say that are guys of your own race who want to date you, or people who have never had the desire to date outside. Male family members can be the most critical.

And it's definitely not self-hate! lol I despise when people use that term. So everyone with brown hair must date someone with brown hair or they're "self-hating?" Just because someone has blue eyes, they can't date someone with green eyes or they're "self-hating?" I can't date tall guys because I'm short, otherwise I'm "self-hating" against my short people kind? Lol it's just a ridiculous statement. You can only be self-hating if you actually hate yourself and feel ugly because of your race/faith. Having a dating preference is just that, a preference.

Anonymous · Answer

To be honest, I think people that aren't attracted to people of the same race/ethnicity as them have issues. Like, how could you Not be? How is someone from your culture unappealing, but you would date the same guy/girl from another race just because they are "different"? If the male/female counterpart of your ethnic group or culture are so defective, then that  must mean on some level you think you are too. It is NOT just preference when you exclude the race you belong to. Don't take this as an attack, that's just how I feel.

Anonymous · Answer

To summarize, she's a south Asian girl most likely Indian who wants a white boy and is trying to justify it. you aren't alone or special, a lot of women former white colonies think white people are better than their own race and want a white dude. I am white and spent a lot of time in India. I've seen this in a lot of Indian women whether there or overseas. Colonial mentality still exists. To answer your question, no it isn't self hate, it's the opposite, you think you're better than your race. I don't think it can be called racism if it's your own race but judging a male solely by his race just seems wrong to me.

Anonymous · Answer

Hello,

I am the same way as you and I get a lot of sh*t for it from my culture, but I don't really care.

I fee the SAME way as you.

Other women drool over some "very attractive" men in my culture, but I just don't have any attraction to them.

Maybe it's because the culture is to familiar.

IDK

But, It's okay to have a preference.

We all do.

Whether it be short, tall, dark, smart, outgoing...

Also, It is nice to be with someone of a different culture you can learn a lot from them and about life.

Honeybaby · Answer

Who is your race? No group of people belongs to anyone. You don't owe anybody anything except yourself! I'm black and thought that I belonged to the black race until I met the other half of the white side of my family. The point is that we are people we don't owe or belong to any race except for the human race!

LittleMissGriff · Answer

Honestly, unless you feel 'I don't like myself because I'm ---' it's not self-hate. You don't hate your culture. You don't hate yourself. You don't hate your family. You find men of different ethnicities more attractive. Simple as that. Whether it's simple aesthetics or social impressions, it's not hate. It's personal tastes.

oxidizer235 · Answer

When I was younger, I had that happen... I couldn't get any play from girls of my own race... but I learned not to care, and date who I wanted... and BE HAPPY! So now, I'm married and happy, while most of the ones who I tried to date, and ddnt get anywhere with, are single moms, playing the whole 'SBW' (strong Black woman) card... I could care less... I got a life, bills and sh*t...

liseshocker · Answer

I can touch base with you 100% on this one! I don't find guys from my own race as attractive as other men. I do think it has to do with the overly unwanted attention from them growing up and theyve always been obnoxious in trying to cat call or just overal rude. This is not to say one day I won't persue a guy from my own race (although I'm mixed) but in general I go for other guys. Actually, I like what I see, I have no raicla preference but I definitely don't persue men from my own race. it dosnt have to do with self hatred its just your preference, once you see what else there is to offer your not in the wrong to persue other options. I don't hate myself, I love my boyfreind, and were of different ethnicities and he has no problem dating outside his race either. anyone else who decided to judge you for this is an idiot!

Anonymous · Answer

i can't blame you ... from what I have seen in college, most indian men are piece of sh*t sexist beta males who expect a woman to "know her place" which at the same time meekly kissing all the white, black and latin man-ass they can find

i don't see that as hating yourself.. you can still like yourself, and your culture, while rejecting its perspectives on relationships and what you should marry

nermalinda · Answer

i don't think there is anything wrong with it. I mean I have brown eyes, but I prefer guys with blue or green eyes. I think your brother should butt out of your love life. it sounds like HE has issues, not you.

GreenEyesss · Answer

So you don't like your own culture? You feel ashamed of what you are? You wanna be something else? That is just sad!

gummybear888 · Answer

it's preference. not self hate. I don't get why some people say this stuff, I think it's because they don't want their friend or son/ daughter to date interracially.

Is it self hate to be unattracted to one's own race?

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