My boyfriend is white and I'm black... racism/insecurity issues?

[supervixxen]

I've been dating my boyfriend for about a month now, and we've been official for about a week or so. we've been out on dates and talk a lot, and he's a real sweetie. but since he's my first boyfriend, I've run into a couple of issues with him since I don't really know how this whole stuff works.

1. we've been out on dates, but he's ALWAYS over at my house. and when I asked if we could hang out at his, he said he couldn't take me there because of his grandparents (he comes from a very southern Baptist family and they aren't very welcoming about interracial dating). but yet, I've brought him home to meet my dad and his girlfriend and they liked him.

2. he freaked out when I tried to hold his hand at school (we're in community college), and said it was "too ho"t to hold hands, and gave me kind of a friend hug when we parted ways and said he's not big on PDA, but he's all over me and extremely affectionate in private when we're together and holds my hand when we go out to eat or to the movies. I tried talking to him about it and he said he didn't mind holding hands or anything, but he doesn't want his friends to rag on him about PDA and I tried telling him I don't want strong affection but I do want to hold my boyfriend's hand! and he said it was up to me. the next day we were at school, I didn't initiate any type of pda just to see how he'd react and all he did was stand really close to me while walking, and kissed me in public...so I guess just give it time?

3. I want us to be Facebook official, but I'm weary of sending him a request since we also talked about it and said it was up to me, but doesn't see the need to flaunt anything, which kind of hurt my feelings..

(my insecurities)

4. I really really like him, but I just get freaked out a little when we're intimate (not like having sex or anything, just kissing and stuff) because the last relationship I had with a white guy, he just used me for sex and that was it, and sometimes when things get heated I just think he's just the same as the other guy. and yes, my new guy is very aggressive (I am too, and I embrace that fully cos that's just who I am), he's repeatedly told me he respects me and only wants to go as slow or as fast as I want to go (and he's a virgin too) and only wants to make me happy.

5. I just get insecure cos I just hope that he doesn't find other white girls more appealing than me even though he says he loves my curves and that I have meat on my bones and womanly. but just with his whole family thing, I just feel like it'll just push him to a white girl instead of me.

what should I do?

[timetowaste]

Has he ever dated another girl who was anything other than white? If not, it's new territory for him. I don't think you have any reason to be insecure, you said his family was against the whole interracial dating thing, so he's probably grown up with the image that it was wrong and he would be shamed for it. I think he's just scared about his family's reaction, criticism and maybe even worried they would say something rude to you. Give it some time. The longer you guys are together, the more comfortable he'll become.. he will settle in and soon it'll feel natural to him.

He sounds like he likes you, he's just scared right now.. scared of people's reactions which could be hurtful to the both of you. I doubt he even knows that his actions make you feel the way you do.

[supervixxen]

no. he's never kissed a white girl, and I'm the third girl he's ever kissed. and the first for other things...

he's never had a girlfriend and I've never had an official boyfriend before. I'm 19 and he's almost 21. we haven't met each others' friends yet, besides our mutual ones from our class.

[MissConfused93]

I've been in the same situation, except I'm white and my guy was black. Some people were accepting, some weren't. We didn't hold back from PDA, and basically were all over each other at every party. There were a lot of bitchy girls, and my moms boyfriend didn't approve of us at all. But you shouldn't worry.

If he wanted to be with a white girl, he would be. In the end, you just kind of have to say f*** it and ignore everyone else. If you like the guy, and he likes you; nothing else should matter.

[stillagoodgirl]

Don't know if you're still together but if he's your first boyfriend donnt expect to last forever . But learn from your relationships and mistakes. If he doesn't want a lot of people to know about you two then he's not worth your time.you can do so much better!

[supervixxen]

we aren't together anymore, but for different reasons

[stillagoodgirl]

O ok

[Ugliness]

Ah. You like white meat. Well here we are, the "enlightened" 21st century. It's nothing like they talked about in sci fi flicks and old movies etc. Such a drag.

There's so much damn hatred in the world, it's time for LOVE.

Now, I' bisexual. I married someone of the opposite gender ultimately.

But before that I met some people of my gender (male) - and as with you, they didn't want to hold hands in public or be romantic - they didn't even want to be SEEN with me.

I couldn't live like that. I hope things get easier for you two because being in the closet, be it from race or sexual orientation - it really bites.

[Curmudgeon]

Just stick with it. As he gets older, he will care less and less about what other people and his family think.

You might also talk about moving somewhere else where they are more accepting of that. I take it you two are in the rural South? Midwest? You might head for the West Coast or to larger cities.

[supervixxen]

south florida :/ which is odd cos I see a lot of interracial couples here. but there's nothing to worry about?

[Curmudgeon]

Florida is "South of South" in the sense that an influx of Cubans and "New Yawkers" and other East Coast retirees have changed the demographics of the place, relative to other Southern States. But it is still South. You might want to come to California or the Northeast.

[Curmudgeon]

By the way, there is a novel about this sort of relationship, "Tale of the Tigers", by Juliette Ochieng.

link

[Anonymous]

If you don't build confidence it won't last or it won't be a good happy one

[johari]

.That's the American experience .