My fiance gets upset with me because of my 'tone'?

[Anonymous]

My fiancé gets deeply upset with me because she 'detects' annoyance in my 'tone' and doesn't like it. Most of the time she is wrong and I'm perfectly happy with her but she doesn't Beleive me. Sometimes it happens if I'm tired and my voice goes a little croaky.

I do not say anything negative or against her and my actions are fully supportive of her. I try my best not to react when she gets like this but it's so frustrating and she normally ends up having a go at me. It starts with awful looks as if I've been really mean to her and then the could shoulder and probably some confrontation... All the time I'm unaware of what is going on because I was never upset with her.

When I talk to her about it and tell her nothing is wrong she insists that she knows I'm annoyed. We're getting married very soon so in trying to not talk about it in the risk of her getting upset, but it does worry me that I'm helpless to stop this happening over and over. I've asked if there's something underlying that is upsetting her but she insists not. When I ask her to explain what is upsetting her she starts with my 'tone' (usually one or 2 words) and then draws some rather far fetched and elaborate conclusions from it that result in her believing I am angry with her.

I have completely adapted my life for her, I spend all my time thinking of her, doing things for her and trying to spend time with her. I have made far more sacrifices for her than the average guy, and she does appreciate that to some degree, but at the same time, she still does this to me on the tiniest of things, despite me always managing to bite my tongue when I am upset.

What do I do?

Please no "you shouldn't get married" responses - were deeply in love and our relationship is far better than most. This is a small issue in the grand scheme of things.

Updates

+1 y

Thanks for all the answers. Yes she is sensitive but she is also pure of heart and not the type to try to get me whipped. We do talk about the issues just a little later when we have had time to think. Voices never get raised and it's always sorted out. It happened after the engagement and I think it is maybe daunting for her too.

[Anonymous]

I have a similar situation. You should ask her to try and meet you in the middle with this since it is something you can't control. I am sure she cannot conrol how she feels either, she may be more sensitive than most, but it is best if you both work together. By this point it seems that you know a dirty look from her means she felt offended by your tone. You should apologize for your tone immediately. Don't let her walk away with angry looks or don't let it get to the point where she is giving you the cold shoulder. The more you let her keep silent the more she will harbor ugly feelings and the lack of communication will hurt the relationship greatly. What my boyfriend does that makes me upset is when he is sarcastic. It makes me feel like he's trying to make me look like an idiot and so I don't like it. Even though I know he doesn't think of me as an idiot I still don't appreciate his condescending tone and find it dissrespectful. It's also a type of personality that I am not used to because none of my friends or family members were like this. This might be her case too, maybe you make her feel inferior when you do that, so just keep talking to her about it.

[Anonymous]

She seems like the type that overreacts. I have met many females like this. The overreaction about the tone could be because: to her, it sounds like you're upset with her, and she doesn't want that, so she gets sensitive and tries to tell you to stop in "her way" of communication. I read that many of the responses to this question state that she's taking advantage of you, trying to make you whipped, etc. It could be that, but it could also be that she's just the sensitive type.

Next., you stated that she does it on the tiniest things and you bite your tongue - that could be a big problem. You need to stand up for yourself and speak your mind regardless of it making her mad or not. You both are in the relationship, its not fair for her to hurt your feelings and you to just take it. My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. When once of us piss the other one off, we make sure we speak our mind, then we come to a conclusion on fixing it, and move forward. That's how you're suppose to do it. Don't let her always have the upper hand on things.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you're on your way to being unhappily "whipped" and she's good at making you feel miserable over something you're probably not even doing. Your leash is just going to keep getting shorter with this "tone" thing. If it's not something you can tolerate happily "TILL DEATH DO YOU PART," please do yourself the favor of not marrying this girl rather than becoming part of a divorce statistic, where she complains to her attorneys that your tone is unacceptable...

[visual]

Lol at the last part.

Anyway I agree with this because she doesn't seem to want to hear what you have to say and you don't get why she's doing it. It's basically a fight that hasn't ended.

[Opinion Owner]

Exactly. This question was actually nagging at me all day. It rinds me of the sort of finicky arguments I'd have w my exhusband. The sort of cap off the toothpaste, put the seat down, stop criticizing argument that seems harmless on the surface then explodes one afternoon in the middle of your kids' school game/fundraiser.

[Opinion Owner]

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[shikari]

When did this problem arise? Before or after the engagement.

Nevertheless, engagement can give rise to a number of concerns since it's a change in circumstance and brings forth a set of expectations.

Does this supposition of annoyance in your tone occur randomly or in pattern? For example, only over tasks and not over trivial matters. Identifying precisely when she supposes you are annoyed is the key to figuring out the underlying cause of this problem.

Time can resolve her oversensitivity and unfounded accusations toward your attitude. If it does not, seek professional council.

[Anonymous]

i think you need to lecture her sometimes. if you know you are not wrong, then show her that there's nothing wrong with you. this is not about controlling. its just no good if anytime she feels annoyed by nothing you are the one who always apologizes although its not your fault. you have to make her realize that you actually never want to annoy her.

being gentle is OK but don't be too gentle. otherwise, no one will respect you. a man should have assertion. don't let your fiance too pampered.