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| Posted 8 months ago |
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Category Flirting |
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What If?
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Sadness passed through my body when I heard the news. Jamma, my brother said,I promise I'll be ok. He just told me that he had to go to Iraq. I asked him, Why? and held onto him like if I let go he would be gone forever. Why? he repeated, Why, because I need to protect you and our family. I looked up at him as he looked down on me. I promise I'll be ok, he said again, I promise. I knew he was repeating it so he would sound certain, but it didn't work on me.
What if I couldn't finish my sentence, thinking of all of the bad things that could happen to him. What if I said again not being able to finish. What if? What if? Jazmine! Don't think of the if's, thing of the is. C'mon you have to believe in me. I took a deep breath and looked in his eyes. I do.
My brother left the next week, leaving me upset, wishing he would come home. Each day I wonder what would it be like if my brother didn't come back or got stationed even further away. I ask my mom to pray with me for him. The same prayer every day:
Dear God, Please bring my brother home soon and help my family and I be happy for my brother and not be sad for ourselves. Most of all help him find you and have you come into his heart. Amen.
Each day I feel God is helping us one by one. I know because my mom is still sad but is getting better at being happy for Randy. I have been struggling the most because I miss him so much. One day passes and another one comes, each one keeping me in wonder if he will come back or not. Even when all these questions are passing thought my mind I feel I can have some hope still.
I feel most sorry for my sister-in-law, Michelle Hooper. She just was married to my brother Randy Hooper and the next thing he was gone on the plane to Iraq. I know she feels the same as I do, but not as bad. He is her husband, but he is my brother. All I wanted to say was that being a sibling, or a son /daughter, wife/husband, or any other relationship, is harder than people think.
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Once in a while, I feel my brother is thinking the same questions as I am. What if, this? What if, that? What if all these what ifs happened? I have a feeling we both feel nervous about these questions, and what would happen if they were true. To me, that is the biggest what if.
If these questions weren't in me head I would be happier than anyone on earth, but they aren't. They are still floating in my mind. So many what ifs, that they are ricocheting of each other and are repeating in my mind.
Ask yourself, what if I didn't read this. If you answer this question you would probably be surprised how many what if explode out of that one what if. What if I did this instead, or what if I did that? Think of all those what ifs in your mind, and times that by two. Thats how many what ifs are in mine. I think what if my brother gets hurt, or what if he cant come home and many more what ifs. Think this one question for the rest of the day, what if I had that many what is in my mind? I don't need to ask this question because I know.
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