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Lost In Emotions
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As a continuation from the featured article, Confessions of A Teenager, I can't help but share what happened to me the following day (15/2/08) because I really need to get some things off my chest.
After compiling C.a.T yesterday, I sent her an off line message saying something that I long wanted to tell her. I knew it was inappropriate, but I had to keep things going on, because I really suck that much at raising topics up for conversation. And so I said "Thanks for the 1 extraordinary month (and still counting)". I don't know what got into me that made me type such turn off phrases into that text box. Really regretted it and feel negatively even about myself now.
I went to school as per normal. But things already started to burden my mind and overload it with questions about my feelings towards her. I managed to hold some tears in the school bus, obviously not wanting the people around me to know that I'm shedding some tears at the corner.
After I reached school, it was practically impossible for me to restrain any longer, and thus I allowed myself to cool down, by crying.
I was afraid that I would lose her, I would forget her somehow because our life style's so different and besides, I doubt the person who I am would interest her somehow.
If I were to think that it was possible between us, it would be self-denial cause she wouldn't fall for me at all, frankly speaking, yet I'm so unwilling to let go.
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Rather, I feel like I'm rushing into the relationship too quickly and expressing myself in a way that makes her feel awkward will just turn her off. And I just had to do that. This is my first time feeling so strongly towards a girl that I oh-so-love, and never had any experience in courting one before.
I wished she was online, or I could talk to her personally, but theoretically, it is hard thanks to my coy behavior.
It seems like my first time courting a girl didn't really turn out that well.
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Well, let's get back to reality. And so I anticipated her reply towards the message I left for her yesterday. I was excited, and simultaneously feeling stressed, emotional and worried. I met my friend in the library to get some work done before taking the same bus home.
I quickly turned on my laptop and logged on. Negative. No reply. I asked my friend who had left a question for her too. She did reply, cheerfully.
Guessed it as much as it happened, and as much as I would feel if I was in her shoes. Many of you go "LAWL, what a damned loser". I totally agree with you. Life's feeling crappy, and I don't have any more motivation to continue with my studies and be a top student like I always presented to myself. Inside me, I'm just left with a burning desire to let her know how I feel, and I want to know how she feels, and ironically, both parties refuse to open up in fear of something. I don't know how to initiate either.
Her ignoring me inflicted me with despair, and mixed emotions. I don't know why. It is like you forcing yourself not to like someone you love so much. And that person is already not part of your life. (or at least appear)
Someone please clarify who I am for me. For I really don't know what is exactly happening. It is not that I'm pretending to be oblivious, but in fact, I'm lost.
Very lost.
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