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The MASH Contemplation
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One thing that has always reminded me of my childhood is the game of MASH. I have been playing MASH since circa first grade. To this very day, I can be cleaning out my closet and find crumpled and torn scraps of paper labeled M-A-S-H in my childish scrawl. It's a fascinating study to read over these practically ancient games that chronicle my social history. Who was I convinced that I would marry, what did I want to be in first grade, second grade, fifth grade? Each of these games gives me an idea of who I was when I filled out that MASH outline. It tells me the deepest desires of my heart... or at least, as deep a desire as a first grader can really lay claim to. But it really is interesting to see who I was back then, what I wanted; definitely something I don't recall first hand. How have I changed over the years of playing what I see as a staple of childhood games? Well, for one, I now have a tendency to leave the "Who do you want to marry?" section blank. Perhaps this stems from my constant single status; or perhaps, now that I have a deeper understanding of life, I find it difficult to answer such a question knowing that are this point in my life, I don't know a single person that I'd be willing to spend the rest of my life with. I also have different career aspirations. I no longer wish to be a superstar singer or a princess or a stay-at-home mom. Now, twelve years later, I've discovered my talents and my passions. I have high goals for myself that have developed since elementary school, and I can look back on my MASHes through the years and watch the development of my interests and confidence and aspirations. My games of MASH document my change over the years, and boy, have I changed.
In my elementary school years, I always filled the "prospective husband" section with the names of boys in my class; whoever it was that I had a crush on that year, or better, that week. The majority of my fill-ins from my first couple years of school listed only the coolest, most athletic little boys in my school. Their ranks on the "how much I love you" list changed frequently though. In fifth grade, I transferred schools. A whole new boy pool to fall in love with. But the problem was, I picked my first boy to crush on, and then, NEVER found someone else. This boy was the coolest, most suave, most indie skateboarder/surfer in the world. And I found myself unable to be as finicky with my crushes as I had been before. I had a crush on this boy from fifth grade to eighth grade, and he never knew. But I was so convinced that he would somehow fall in love with me, that my MASH games from those three years have his name in each of the three husband slots. But I've learned since middle school. Besides, the fact that I went to an all-girls high school put a stopper in the guy flow. I mean, there wasn't even so much as a trickle. And while my friends moved on to date around and develop steady relationships, I remained single. This was agonizing, but it also helped me find my independence. I'd like to say that I was happy being single because I was independent and that I didn't need a man to make me happy. This would be a lie. It was high school. I was eighteen and had never been kissed. I thought someone was punishing me. But because of this lack of men-folk around, there was no one to put in the husband spaces. And for a while I thought this sucked. But at some point I realized that I wouldn't be marrying anyone from high school. I couldn't spend the rest of my life with anyone I knew thus far. So, I basically stopped filling in the unanswerable "I'm going to spend the rest of my life with..." section. And I'm alright with that. I mean, it's just a game, right?
The section about how many children I want, on the other hand, has never developed more complexity. It hasn't changed, hasn't become a crucial life issue. I wish the rest of it were that simple.
However, besides the marriage section, the only other section that has changed drastically over the years is the career section. That, like my crushes, has been subjected to radical and numerous changes. As I said though, throughout the years, I have found my passion. Perhaps as I enter college, I'll continue to change my mind. But for now, I've got things figured out, and believe me, it is very different from the early years.
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