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Ria's Real Stories
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My first love appeared two years ago at my age of 18. To this day, if I'm asked the question "Would you save him rather than yourself in a fire?" or "Would you be able to live together with him until you're 80?" I'm sure I would say yes to both. His name was Alistair. He was cheating on his high school girlfriend with me in college. He wasn't getting on well with her, but was crazy about me and we both lost our virginity to each other. He had gone as far as asking my parents to culturally tolerate my relationships more, and when they couldn't listen, he fought my dad who would beat me as soon as he found that I was trying to go out with someone. Alistair was really my angel. He turned my previous dark, negative life into shining positivity, helped with my grades to A+ and gave me security. But then when his girlfriend found out about everything, he turned back to her and disappeared. It was good that I never hated him, and I took all of what happened gratefully as a learning experience.
A few years later, I learnt that it Was the so-called true love: Something that was based in giving, not searching for my own despair or needs from the other, and a feeling that would never flip-flop into hate.
After Alistair left I went through several long-term intended but short-lived relationships. I cheated on one guy and learnt a huge lesson from it: that I did not have respect for another person and my morals were not up to standards. After this one, I swore and knew I would never cheat again for the rest of my life. Then I met Roland, whom I fell in love with (the second guy I LOVED, not just liked) and he told me he was crazy about me and was writing a song for me. About 2 months later he disappeared. I couldn't get in contact with him in anyway. I was shattered, partly heartbroken by his inconsideration and partly scared that he might have done harm to himself because he was depressive about his weight problems. During the three months that he had actually been in the States for treatment and counseling, I was left to convince myself that he wasn't emotionally mature enough for me and I got myself to get over him completely, including all those passionate love feelings.
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Around that time I also met Garreth, who was crazy about me but the relationship never worked out, and Lucas, a third guy that I Loved (or really close to love) who had known me for almost a year. We talked lots and really connected, and we went out for a few months before he realized that he might be gay. I was shattered; the night he came over to my place to finalize the break-up, I couldn't hold back my tears; and he actually started crying more intensely than I did. After we both sobered up a little, we hugged and he kissed me (on the lips...) and from then on, we were good friends ever since. I wished him all the best and I'm really glad things had turned out and ended this way.
Two years has passed since Alistair left. I was beginning to accept the fact that even though I know I love him, he would always be with his girlfriend (or another girl) and I probably will never have a chance to be with him. With a clearer heart, around New Year's Eve for 2008, I met Kessler, who was teaching English in Korea at the time and he was actually from my city Auckland. Across the continents and time zones, on the first day we met online we talked on MSN continuously for 12 hours. I had never spoken to someone for that long before. The next day we talked for 9 hours. The following day, continuously for 8 hours. And every single day from then on for an entire two weeks before he was to return to Auckland, we talked online for an average of 6 hours a day without resting. We even webcam-ed.
The most curious part was that Kessler is a guy who hardly ever talks on MSN. He was very surprised that he could keep holding a conversation with me, let alone it being a stranger who had him addicted to his laptop screen, and actually gotten quite close with him through MSN. He returned to Auckland and 3 days later, he met me in real life.
The night I met him we sparked, and started seeing each other. We have been going out for a month now.
By now, I was sick of moving on constantly seeking for the perfect relationship. With Kessler, I really want this to last and grow, just as he does. He told me that he KNOWS I am someone he wants in his life, but is unsure about my position yet.
I believed that nothing could be achieved without going through tests. And, with some ideas I believe firmly about "true love," I am hoping that my best expectation can come forward:
- "Love is a choice; Infatuation is a feeling; Sex is a combination of both."
- "What you are is where you are in a relationship."
- "If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don't, they never were."
- "Love is a futile chasing after something that doesn't exist."
- "You can never seduce your despair."
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