Relationship Expert Von Decarlo: "Speak Fluent Man"

Von Decarlo, also known as "Coach Von", is a multi-talented author, producer, performer and relationship expert who wrote the book "Speak Fluent Man", based on her own experience in a long-term and loving relationship.

We interviewed Von Decarlo so she could help us shed some light on what healthy relationships consist of and how to build one.

Relationship Expert Von Decarlo:

1. What is your book “Speak Fluent Man” about and why did you decide to write it?


Von: Speak Fluent Man is a book about relationships based on my very successful, 10 year partnership with Patrice O’Neal; a comedian well known for his out of the box philosophies on relationships and brutally honest approach. Many years before Patrice’s passing in 2011, he asked me to write book about his philosophies from my female perspective.


2. How do you help men and women improve their relationships?


Von: Reading my book Speak Fluent Man can help people realize the full potential of any type of relationship, by helping them to understand how to have the courage to live in your own truth, and accept the truth of others unconditionally. One on one, I can help couples identify exactly where they are going wrong and give tips on how they can improve. I can also help them to identify the truth as to whether or not they really want to be together or not. Sometimes, especially in long-term relationships, people know they are unhappy and want to move on, but they are afraid of change and they are afraid to be accountable for someone else’s pain. 



3. What do you think the main cause (or causes) of unhappiness in couples is and what makes a couple a happy one?

Von: I think at some point in relationships, people start to not only take each other’s presence for granted, but they also start to feel some type of entitlement for the things that they do for each other, as opposed to reciprocating appreciation and respect. You should always treat the person you are with as you did in the beginning, and as time ensues, better. Both men and women tend to fall short of this, and when desires and needs aren’t met (both physical and emotional), that is when the door of cheating usually opens. Happy couples are those that consistently pay attention to their partner’s desires and needs, and increase their love, attention, appreciation, and respect to one another as time goes on. 


4. What is one common mistake women tend to make in relationships, and what do you think women need to learn from men?


Von: I think the biggest mistake most women make is feeling like they can change whatever it is they don’t like about a man to fit what they want. Women have to realize that the only option they have with a man is to grow with him. Changing him is not an option. What women can learn from men in general, and specifically in my book, is how to think logically above their emotions.


5. What is one common mistake men tend to make in relationships and what do you think men need to learn from women?

Von: A common mistake men make is decreasing their attention once they are comfortable in the relationship. What men can learn from women in general, and specifically in my book, is how to be more affectionate and increase attention without being taken advantage of by the woman.


6. Social media can affect relationships. What would be a good use of social media when in a relationship?

Von: Social media has no place in relationships on a day-to-day basis. It can be informative to friends for things like weddings, parties, hangouts, etc. after a certain point in a relationship, but, in general, while social media can be a great place to meet new people, it can also be the relationship killer!

7. Why do some people find themselves incapable of sustaining a solid, healthy and long-lasting relationship?

Von: It is likely because they are just not ready, or have not met the person that makes sacrifices of their time and space worth it. If such is not the case, then it is likely that the person is entering relationships dishonestly and/or not being accepting of the other person’s truth. Many people spend the beginning of a relationship fabricating their truth and trying to change the other person’s truth to fit their lie. Obviously, that does not work, but surprisingly, most people will take this approach so often that it’s in their subconscious, and they don’t even realize that’s what they are doing. 


8. When is it healthy to break a relationship?

Von: Life is short and you have to be courageous enough to say no to unhappiness. No one is worth living in regret and time is something you do not get back. It is healthy to break the relationship as soon as you know that you no longer want to be with that person. The more time that passes, the harder it will be, so no wasted time equals no regrets.


9. Do you believe in soul mates?

Von: Yes. I am a very spiritual person and I believe there are many things in this world that we do not know how to explain or put into words; you can just feel it. I also believe that people can possibly have more than one soul mate, as there are many different seasons and chapters in our lives. The 10-year chapter I spent with Patrice ended in 2011 when he died suddenly at age 41. I am hopeful that lightning can strike twice for me and I connect with a new soul for my next chapter.


10. What advice would you give to those ones that are tempted to give up on relationships?

Von: First, buy my book. The reviews I have been getting from people are astounding. Most of which are declaring that reading my book has changed their life and their way of thinking for the better. Again, life is short and you have to be courageous enough to say no to unhappiness, and take steps towards finding your own peace. Life has many ups and downs and each valley and each mountaintop is a place to learn and grow. I believe that you are always in the right place at the right time, and if you are at a place in life where you feel like you need to put relationships on hold and be alone, then do that. You will likely come out of that valley stronger and meet a great person if you look at your valleys as positive experiences and not become bitter. One way to stay hopeful is by learning and growing. I sincerely believe that my book Speak Fluent Man does just that for people. It helps all people, both men and women, learn and grow.

VISIT SPEAKFLUENTMAN.COM to purchase the book and use discount code GIRLSASKGUYS for $3 off the book when purchased directly from the site. EBook and all major retailers excluded. Expires October 1, 2015.

Follow Von Decarlo on Twitter and Instagram.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Oh my God, this girl was with Patrice O'Neal?

    Alright, USUALLY I would scorn most female self-help books that are from women trying to teach other women male psychology, but Patrice O'Neal? Patrice O-fucking Neal?

    This girl may actually know what she's talking about. Like, if you're a woman and you wanna understand men, REALLY understand them, both the good men and the men that are pieces of shit, this Von Decarlo chick may just be your ticket to that.

    Seriously, Patrice O'Neal.

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What Guys Said 26

  • YESSS!!!

    Von experienced so much with Patrice and by extension Dante Nero, that she's probably the ONLY 'dating expert' that I'd actually trust enough to point women in the direction of. The beauty of Patrice's words resonating through her being able to reach women is a beautiful thought, and I wish Patrice was still alive to see his philosophy come to fruition.

    I still wish he released that book, and I cannot wait to see "Better Than You". Be Righteous; RIP, Patrice.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6PCXF2NfMg

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  • I agree with others that much of what she has to say is not new or necessarily insightful. Possibly her presentation provides a helpful point of view.

    I did find myself getting quite tripped up in point number 2. Perhaps I am not sufficiently post modern to accept the concept of a 'personal truth'. I don't know what "living your own truth" means. I don't understand what it means to "accept the truth of others unconditionally". My contention is that perceptions of truth are subjective while truth itself is objective. Maybe if I swap the word 'perspective' in for 'truth', that might help my understanding.

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    • A lot of other people will swap the word "perspective" for "truth" in regards to their own convictions, and then never admit to it (lol). The world is so full of fraudulence, intended or otherwise, that the only truth is the "objective truth" and no one can even agree on that.

  • one lasting relationship makes for an expert? good to know

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    • Check out Patrice Oneal to see why her 10 year relationship with him makes her more than qualified to help out with relationships.

  • Has a single relationship with a guy who's brutally honest about everything. Claims to be an expert on every type of guy even though the guy she was with was the easiest type to understand and not the one that women say they don't "get." Lol
    It takes a lot more than just a single 10 year relationship to make you an expert. Most of her advice was just kind of common sense sort of answers, but didn't always get at the heart of it. I feel like she still missed it.

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    • It's okay advice, but hardly worth being called "expert advice."

  • God, not relationship experts again.

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  • it's good advice, but those who would actually take it likely are already of a mind to do things right.

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  • Out of all the relationship 'experts' this one's probably worth a read ladies. This is the ex of Patrice O'Neal, who died a few years ago. He was not a man without a spine and didn't put up with typical female bs. This woman probably has something really insightful to say.

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  • I didn't read it yet, just came to show my respects to the woman who dated my idol Patrice Oneal (RIP). He was an incredible man, and should be every man's role model, so I can only assume her interview reflected his social genius.

    Rest in peace again, Patrice aka girl name aka Patreeky.

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  • Again with this ''expert'' stuff. There is and should be no such thing as an relationship expert. What next? An expert at having fun? This stuff is subjective and they should have a different label.

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  • i did not read one word of this I just know she is the late great Patrice Oneal's woman so she comes highly trained from one of the greatest.

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  • -shrugs- common sense really.

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    • which isn't that common.

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    • @Nuqood Yes but also because I don't want to make money in that kind of way or be involved in that kind of work. Common sense and advice is not something you pay for.

  • I can't stand dating experts. One of the most fun parts about dating is learning on your own. Like those sex experts, it's more fun to figure out sex on your own than read some book.

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  • I didn't actually read the take, im only here to say that she looks like Kim Kardashian. At least in the first picture. Ok bye

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  • I was watching stuff by Patrice O’Neal, and he has some good ideas on the subject of relationships.
    If this lady has the same mindset, then it's all good.

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  • I believe she makes pretty good sense.

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  • I think this woman is excellent.
    She seems like the kinda woman that feminists hate, my kinda woman.

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    • Feminists hate her? No one should! Sounds like she's teaching couples how to love and appreciate each other♡

  • I have cousins with the last name De Carlo in Brooklyn, Westchester, Canada... Are you from NY?

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  • If the book is about how to help your relationship why is it called speak fluent men

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  • when woman start talking fluently.

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  • 5 is true about a lot of guys i think. But 4, just no. That's a stereotype, women aaaaalways wanna tell you you're logical over emotional because this idea has been around forever. But honestly you just don't understand guys emotions lol! I am an emotional being first, logical second, you just have to understand the logic i use to explain or perform an action is BASED largely on my emotions! ;)

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What Girls Said 6

  • Anyone who has been in a long term relationship knows the pitfalls. We all know that people take their partner for granted after a while and that's the biggest mistake a lot of people in long term relationships make.

    No new insights here. Maybe I should write a book as well and claim to be a relationship expert.

    And yes a lot of people lie in the dating fase as they want to sell themselves. If you've worked in sales you know exactly how to sell yourself and can even twist your negative points into a positive.

    I show me 100 percent... that's why I'm single lmao!

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  • Von, what a pleasant surprise! I was recently watching the old Patrice O'Neal show. Great post - you look like you're doing very good!

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  • Yay more common sense

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  • This is comsmopolitan type of advicices. all women are affectionate? men

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  • Of course she knows how to speak fluent man she looks like one.

    #tranny

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  • She looks like like Kim kardashian

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