Leaving is never easy, but sometimes it's necessary to save yourself from dying inside

Shutupman

Leaving is never easy, but sometimes it's necessary to save yourself from dying inside.


"I do not want to be here, I hate it here!"


Is what I think when I'm at 'home' with my parents. I am stressed, sick and tired of being around them I really cannot find a way to make it bearable. I mentally numb myself out, don't even look at them in order to avoid having a meaningfull conversation with them. I am drained from living here.


It doesn't really matter what happened but it happened. And my parents simply do not care. I always assumed they did as they always had made us believe, but with every passing day I realize they don't. And I guess that hurts even more than all the shit that has already happened even thought I try to keep convincing myself it's better this way.


They see me everyday avoiding them, crawling away in my room with the same emotionless look on my face doing so. I tip toe around the house just so I won't have to interact with them and when I can't avoid it I try to keep it as short as possible. I absolutely hate it when they (even accidently) touch me. Instead of wondering what they could do to make things better, to help, they just pretend I'm not feeling bad at all.


They talk to me like nothing's wrong. Like nothing ever fucking happened.


Because it doesn't matter to them as they are happy (for now).


It honestly feels like a repetetive nightmare, the only thing that has changed since my childhood is me. I've come to realize the truth about my 'parents' and I can no longer keep reliving it. They smile and have fun while I sit there and whitness the horror of their indifference.


This year I've started talking about my problems with a couple of people, they were all so shocked to hear what was going on. They couldn't imagine that I had went trough that and still was so happy and bubbly all the time (which I am when I'm not with my parents, I want to be happy). Never in those 19 years I've lived I ever gave away signs things were going bad. Real bad.


Because my deer mother and father pretended and even told me that what happened was normal and happened everywhere. I do want to say they didn't sexually abuse me (physical is a bit questionable but I'm gonna say no to that either). However the fact they never, not even now, acknowledged my pain caused by their selfish choices, hurts me more than anything.


And so I always thought it was okay that way, I kept going even when I was depressed. And even then my parents didn't notice how my pillow was wet every night from crying. Or they didn't want to notice.


I feel like I've been taking care of myself since I became a teenager, or so on an emotional and pyschological level. The last couple of years I try to be as financiel independant as possible, simply because I don't want them to make me feel guilty again. Ever.


I don't want to give them any cards to play out against me whatsoever, I've gotten the guilt talk way too many times.


I cannot recall the last time I hugged my parents and enjoyed it. I do not even know when I last said I loved them. It must be years and years ago when I didn't understand it was them that caused me to be scared and stressed. I simply cannot lie that well.


Many people feel the need to keep on trying, to keep on going even when the relationship isn't healthy. They insist they need to work on it, but sometimes you can't fix 'em. No matter how much you love them, how much you sacrifice for them. It's no garantue it will help, it will just drain you from your own energy and happiness.


When you feel like you've done the best you could, you should try to wake away. For your own wellbeing, I've been there and in fact I am still there. And I know how it hurts, you might get used to it, hell you could even be happy in that relationship. Because you accept the torture the relationship brings with it, but that does not mean it's good for you.


Walking away and saying goodbye is the hardest part there is. But sometimes it's the only solution there is. Educate yourself on this subject, understand what they are doing to you. How they are changing you into a shadow of the brilliant amazing person you once were. The oppertunity's in life they took from you, simply by neglecting, manipulating and or abusing you. Try to take some distance and you will see the cracks that were always there but you just refused to face.


No one needs to do that to themselves. Respect and love yourself enough to leave!


Even if you have kids, even more so do it for them. Staying will hurt them just as much.


If you want to share your story or concerns please feel free to do so, talking about it (when you are ready for it) does help making it less painfull every time again you talk or think about it.


Leaving is never easy, but sometimes it's necessary to save yourself from dying inside

Leaving is never easy, but sometimes it's necessary to save yourself from dying inside
4 Opinion