No seriously, you don't need to talk about your ex!

[Sara413]

I'm writing this myTake just as a friendly reminder to people that your past relationships should be left in the past. Don't drag them into your current relationships - there is no good that can come from that!

I finally said something about it the other day with my boyfriend and I am glad I did. He didn't realise how much it bothered me when he would bring up his ex. He never brought her up out of no where or drudged up baggage or anything, but he had a really annoying habit of sometimes, when certain topics of conversation came up, saying "yeah.. this conversation came up before" and shit like that. It bothered me because even though he would say it in a way that meant "there's a reason I'm not with her anymore", it made me feel like I'm being compared and that when new conversations happen with us regarding topics that may have come up with them, that he's viewing the topic through the lens of wht happened with his ex. I told him why it bothered me and explained that I don't want to hear about conversations he had with her, and I don't want to hear about how much more reasonable I am than her, and I don't want to hear about things that sucked in that relationship, because I am a different person, this is a different relationship, and they have nothing to do with each other. That relationship is in the past and should stay there where it belongs. He understood and felt bad and promised to stop doing that.

What I'm saying here is, even if you think what you're saying is nice to the person you're with - it's STILL comparing them to someone from your past when you mention how different they are than your ex, or mention your ex at all.

I don't mean you can never acknowlege that your exes exist - obviously, it's fine if it just happens to come up organically in a conversation that you went such and such place with your ex once, or whatever, but you should not be bringing your ex up in conversations about your current relationship, or telling your partner things about your ex (good or bad), or comparing the relationships (even when you're saying the current one is much better). Leave. It. In. The. PAST.

[ccp16]

I have gotten in trouble in this way before... Especially with girlfriend's periods or living with a girl. I often get the, 'how do you know exactly what I need, or what to do all the time'- well I lived with an ex for over a year in a studio apartment lol

They hate hearing how what I am doing for them, getting a warming pad or tea or just being a considerate flatmate, I learned by doing for someone in the past, that I actually lived with. (I have yet to full on move in with any one else)

It is a tough one for sure, though from having since dated a girl who had no past serious relationships, and one who did- it only bothered the one who did not have any past relationships. the other knew that that is simply how we learn things, and even had stories about her ex that she lived with when saying how she knew x y or z about guys etc.

It is awful to say, but we depend upon our experiences to act in the present. I don't consider that comparing, though I can see how it could come off that way. I wouldn't be such a great boyfriend if I did not share a studio apartment with an ex for so long, people don't just know these things lol We have to be taught how to be good at relationships. But I understand not bring it up unless it just makes sense to.

[Sara413]

I see what you're saying. I understand that he has learned from his experiences with other women, and that's fine obviously, but that's now when it comes up with him. It's not me asking "how did you know to do that nice thing" - which I don't ask, because I know where he would have learned that.. it's him bringing it up in random conversations as an aside "this came up before" when I bring up a topic that apparently came up with the ex. And it bothers me because just because a topic came up with her, doesn't make it the same and there is NO reason to bring it up. Conversations with ME are completely separate and different than conversations with HER. I don't need to hear about it. Like, fuck, all I said the other day was that when I move in we should get a mini deep freeze since his fridge freezer is almost full already and I like to keep a lot of veggies and berries and stuff, and that if we have one we can buy things in larger quantities and cheaper when we go to CostCo.

[Sara413]

Why on earth I needed to know that when she was moving in with him she wanted a deep freeze is beyond me! I don't fucking care. I don't care that she wanted one. I don't care that she didn't want to buy it herself. I don't care why she wanted one. I want one for the reasons I explained and obviously I am willing to pay for it in part or in full as long as we use it and end up saving money in the long run.

[ccp16]

Okay ya, I can get that if he is bringing it up when he could really inch around it without lying or something... that is when I have found it good to bring up- when I basically would be lying or avoiding it outright. This seems to be a bit more passive and unnecessary in your case.

I very much doubt he thinks he is doing anything wrong, just explaining why he is thinking or reacting the way he is, which is based off past experiences. I would try in an un-angry way to just say how you feel like you are being compared to his past and how that makes you feel. I am sure he will get it.

[Sara413]

Yeah I did tell him and he said he didn't realize what he was doing made me feel like that. He never meant to make me feel like I was being compared to someone else, he's just very happy to have ended up with me and when these little things come up that remind him of what wasn't so great with her, it makes him appreciate me even more. He promised to stop doing it.

[EmiliaRose2355]

Great my take :)

You know, I've been guilty of bringing an ex up before a few times with a current boyfriend, but generally that's me just getting a few things that bothered me off my chest so I can move on with the new person.

I think it's great that your boyfriend has identified that this bothers you and felt upset about it.

My last ex used on about 2 of his exes in particular when we were together. More so at the beginning of our relationship. He had a lot of baggage and really did love both of these girls at one point. But it almost made me feel like an option/second best at every turn knowing that I was being compared to these girls.

Unluckily for me, he didn't seem to understand why it bothered me, and in turn, I failed to move our relationship forward because... where was his head most of the time? It was stuck in the past.

And it's a shame really. Had he been able to put all of that behind us, I could have probably gave my all to him.

[DessieDoo]

I completely disagree with this. In the beginning of my now relationship I didn't speak of my exes. Because much like you, I believed that what was past was past and that it shouldn't be brought to my current/future. However, as the months past, my boyfriend began to ask questions. And then would get upset because I hadn't told him things about my exes before that point. I never looked at it from his point of view before. But when he opened my eyes to his reasoning, it all made perfect sense.
You need to let your boyfriend/girlfriend about your exes. It also helps you let go. Not saying you still want your ex, but people often lose themselves in what their exes did to them. Living in constant fear of the same events unfolding within your future partners. When you speak to your signicant other about these issues, they will more often than not help you let go. Not by pushing you to forget, but by letting you speak. Letting you cry. Letting you voice your fears. Keeping your history from your partner will get you nowhere. After all, your past is a big part of the reason why you are who you are today. And any relationship that is long term needs history, even if it isn't that other persons history to begin with.

[Sara413]

I get what you're saying, but I don't think it's necessary or even a good thing to talk too much about exes. Like, it's good to know the major stuff and if there's any real baggage, but beyond that there's no good reason to talk about them. And definitely not regularly.

I know the big reasons why him and his most recent ex broke up. That's all I care to know about her. I don't need to or want to hear about every stupid fight they had.

[DessieDoo]

Oh absolutely! If it is spoken of regularly than it will put a damper on anyone's mood.

[bloodmountain1990]

Great take, I dated this girl who used me as a rebound and holy fuck was she a hardcore rebounder. She dated this guy on and off that I went to high school with and she could never get over this guy which is why she's so fucked in the head. I mean she had so much baggage that not only did she say she'd tell the on and off ex she's with a cooler guy (me) now if we ran into him but also asked me to make fun of him for his baby dick, wtf.

My issue at the time was I was so naive and had a long dry spell so I overlooked major red flags and doing so cost me. It made me learn the hard way that if your date talks about their ex, especially in a bad way, they are NOT over them.

[bloodmountain1990]

So if a girl I talked to trash talked an ex or would talk to me and then ignore me and then come back to me just begging for attention then I cut it off and go to another one. I have no patience for that shit.

[Sara413]

Yeah that sound brutal.

Thankfully, I don't think that my boyfriend is "not over" his ex, because it's not like she comes up all the time, it's just that like he said, he appreciates being with me because sometimes things come up and it's so much easier than when the same thing came up with her. He just didn't realize that it bothers me when he does that. Now he knows it and said he won't do that anymore.

[bloodmountain1990]

Yeah and I wasn't claiming that your boyfriend is, I was just adding my two cents in. That's good that he listened and changed though.

The thing that really fucked with my head was despite the red flags, she would beg for my attention and it seemed like she was worshipping the ground I walked on. For example, she'd beg for me to talk on the phone while out with my friends and going to bed. I thought it was very over zealous but because she was the first girl I found very cute while having a lot in common with and could talk about anything with, I didn't mind it.

[bloodmountain1990]

It's like she would beg for my attention and chase me but the moment I let loose and showed interest back, she'd give me the cold shoulder and act like I'm being a stage five clinger which is bullshit because if I did any of the things she did to me, especially as early on as she did, it'd scare a girl off. She also had the nerve to victimize herself after she left me out of the blue.

[Bluemax]

Good take.

I might mention, though I probably don't need to, that it's perfectly find to bring up your ex if both of you are on the same page. If neither of you mind, then by all means go ahead.

In truth, my wife and I WANTED to know about each other's exes, not so that we could compare ourselves to them, but so that we knew where each other had been and what shaped our current selves. Our past relationships do have a role in shaping our current selves. Just like I want to know about my wife's parents, siblings, and friends (both past and those who are in her life), I wanted to know about her exes, and she felt the same way.

If so much as one of you isn't comfortable, then shut up about your exes. However if both of you are comfortable, by all means discuss them.

[Sara413]

It's not like I want to pretend his exes never existed, I just don't like that he tends to always feel the need to say something whenever something reminds him of her. Like, I'm moving into his house next month and when we were talking about how things were gonna work I offered to just put my stuff in the guest room instead of have us both try to squish our stuff into the master bedroom closet and he kind of laughed and said "wow - that was a huge fight before" and other times when I've been easygoing about something he brings up that it was a fight with the last one and even though I'm the one who is obviously coming out on top in the comparisons I still don't like beijg compared to someone else. I mean, what happens when an issue comes up tgat I'm NOT super easygoing about? You see what I mean?

[Bluemax]

Oh yes, I see where you are coming from and I didn't mean to suggest you are suggesting that we act as though exes don't exist.

We're not the only people reading this, and so I thought it should be said, not to you, but to others who might not know or understand what I talked about.

[Sara413]

That's fair.

[godfatherfan]

Well yes, and no.
The problem is that in today's society, too many don't fight to stay together. The divorce rate is super high. So your take on things is fine when your young and before you have a life and family. But what happens when your older and find yourself divorced even though you didn't want it? I want to know all about my girlfriend. That means learning about her past. So I don't want to know about the guys she dated but I do want to know about her life. She was married for 16 years before he died. So that means listening to stories about her dead husband also. And that is fine when I am learning about her. But there does come a time where I have heard enough. One of the issues that is very close to breaking up my current relationship is she won't move on and I am tired of being a distant 2nd place to a guy that has been dead for over 3 years. So you make good points for young people, but it needs to be modified when you get older.

[lumos]

Very good take, and well done for telling him what's up. I agree wholeheartedly. I can't stand when people drag their ex randomly into things, even if they don't really mean to do it. Especially if they do it just to talk shit about them. It's like yo, let go already. Honestly I would even find it a bit alarming. Bringing up their ex like that could also mean they're not over the breakup yet.
But yeah, this goes for friendships too. It's really annoying to have to hear someone vent about their ex 24/7. I get it if it's fresh and they need to get it out of their system. But to still go at it months after the breakup is just not healthy. And it's tiring to listen to, too.

[capncool]

Great take, I agree. Went out with a girl who had just recently got out of a very long relationship, she said straight up that she wasn't over him but assured me that she was done with him. She actively compared me to him in front of me (to be fair, she said I'm better looking than him), and even told me that he was messaging her but she was ignoring him. Next thing I know they're writing stuff on each other's Facebook walls. It ended shortly after that. The funny thing is not only did she make up some bullcrap excuse, she actually went out of her way to make it seem like it was my fault that it ended, which ended up making me feel bad. I don't know what happened for sure, but I'm 99% positive she ended up going back with her ex, tbh I wouldn't have cared if she had been honest about it.

[Heretolisten]

Yeah I understand. I wouldn't like my boyfriend talking about his ex. it's like comparing me with her. annoys me. He's already shared with me about his pasts relationships, what went wrong, what fuck it up and whatever. So done. End of story, now it's time to move on with me. I came into your life for a reason. To make your life better. So please don't mention your ex when we're spending time tgt. I 100 % agree with you.

[Marinepilot]

BRAVO ! I completely agree with you ! I went through the
same thing with a girl whose fiancée was killed in a car wreck
when he was going to tell her Momma they were getting married. I told her
flat out, "I'm tird of hearing about him. I'm tired of seeing his pictures all over
your hose. He's dead and gone, I'm not competiing with a ghost. Take those
GODDAMN pictures down and quit talking about his or I will leave you right here and fucking NOW !' S
hHe did what I demanded. Life is too short to stand in someone e;se's shadow.

[mikemx55]

That sounds stupid. How did it work out for you?

[Marinepilot]

@mikemx55 Very well. She took the pics down, what was I supposed to do? There
was no way I was going to play second best to a dead man, It was stupid of her to think
a man of any substance whatsoever would tolerate this. We did split up, but not over
that. I had a bad drinking problem and temper to boot. But its just as well, she was a
spoiled little brat who could never move away from her family and I hated South Florida.
She's Hispanic and she married a Hispanic guy, which she said she would never do. I don't regret putting my foot down. If I won't play second best to kids from another man, I'm surely not going to
play second best to a dead boyfriend. I don't have to !

[Anonymous]

I also hate it when friends bring up your ex. I have a friend who would ask me "Have you heard from so and so?" Uhhhh, no and I don't want to. That's the point! Like why ask something so hurtful?

I would never ask someone if they heard from their ex. I would assume that if they wanted to talk about it, they would.

[JustinCaseUDontKnow]

Great MyTake i totally agree with you , when one brings a ex into a current relationship all they do is add toxic substance to the current relationship , if their not over a ex than they need not to get into another relationship.

[MysteriousFlower]

I wouldn't compare, even though they weren't actual relationships I was closely associated to something complicated. The guy I'm communicating with know informed me that he was talking to girls but they were superficial, so I'm presuming he hasn't had many relationships. So it is good to give a background but not bring it up constantly and stuff like that.. I agree, the Past is the past.

[OnionsNstuff]

Completely disagree. If you are going into a serious relationship with someone, you should be able to speak openly and honestly about, well, anything.

Someone's ex is part of their life, especially if that relationship was serious and lasted long. You don't just shove your life experiences under the carpet. They are part of who you are.

[Sara413]

I don't mean you can't ever mention them, but it shouldn't be something you bring up all the time.

[skeptic007]

couple of issues with this statement, studies show that men take longer too deal with break ups, not in the sense that he still likes her, but in the sense that he wants pay back for whatever happened, I think they call it justice, before you guys even started going out he already put you in a certain place when it comes too women, and if the break up was bad, you're most likely not in the best spot, he see's you as flawed from the start, basically ohh another women, and whatever his perspective is on women is what you are, for this too be fixed justice must be served, and he will go back too normal

[Sara413]

I think you're really far off base with that assumption... he hasn't in any way treated me poorly or acted like I'm just like his ex or anything. He only mentions her in the context of pointing out how much happier hr is with me.

Methinks someone is projecting here...

[skeptic007]

men are different we don't express ourselves much as it is, and look I'm just stating something's that could possibly be the case in which he brings her up, I don't know him like that, im stating what most men are like from personnel and outside experience, you're seems simple ours are more complicated

[skeptic007]

also he doesn't have to treat you poorly for him too think that

[Sara413]

Not all men are emotionally stunted. Most realize quite easily that women are individuals and don't take some weird fantasy of "justice" out on the next woman they date just because the last one didn't end well. You've got some issues buddy.

[skeptic007]

no not justice out on the girl he's with, im talking about justice on his ex, what's the point of taking it out on some other person lol

[skeptic007]

also you should do some study on men and women you can learn a lot and there's always more too learn

[Anonymous]

There's nothing wrong with mentioning them, after all, I'd like to know who she's dated and or fucked, in case I need to worry about something STD's (past pregnacies/abortions etc..). It's when they start going on and on about them, that needs to be left at the door. I don't need to hear about how they hurt you etc..

It makes me think you still want them back

[Jolson131]

Can I have a girlfriend that thinks logically like you and doesn't just get pissed BC something bugs you. For real most girls would just fucking snap. Kudos to you!

[gobsmacked3]

I disagree to a point. For leave the split in the past but always carry memories of the good times and appreciation for the person you shared them with. Also, carry the lessons learnt for your next chance at happily ever after

[the_rake]

My exes probably talk about me a lot. This is due to my being a highly desirable alpha male.

[Sara413]

Lol riiiiiiight

[the_rake]

Right only has one I. I can only presume you are being sarcastic in which case I must say there is no need for that: I am simply stating the way things are as a true alpha male.

[Sara413]

I assumed you were joking

[the_rake]

Not at all: as a true alpha male I have no need for such frivolities.

[Polocrew]

Nice to meet you, where you been? I could show you incredible things, magic, madness, heaven sin

[LordZero]

Never had any ex's. Only had casual sex, so there's not much to discuss. Four girls for a few minutes each is nothing to brag about. But I guess it was better than no sex at all.

[Anonymous]

My current girlfriend just said she's been in 3 serious relationships in the past. I don't need to know more nor do I wanna know more.