Every relationship is different, as are the individuals who comprise them. I'm not gonna sit here and pretend all people and all relationships are the same. We all want different things - if that wasn't the case, we'd all have married our high school sweethearts and no one would have ever been through a break up.
What I am here to say is that there are a few things that are universal when it comes to relationships. No matter how good it may have been when it started off, or how passionate you might be about your partner, if you spot any of the following things going on in your relationship, you've got some real work ahead of you - or a break up.
I hope that you will pay attention to these things if you spot them in your own relationships. I've tried to include helpful advice on how to manage the issues that can be managed.
Also, feel free to add your own "signs" in the discussion below!
One or both of you are hiding things
If you're hiding things, that either means you're doing things you shouldn't be doing, you're with a partner who's lifestyle/values are not compatible with your own, your relationship lacks trust, or you're not comfortable being yourself with that person - all very good indicators that this is NOT the right person for you. You can't have a healthy partnership with someone with whom you cannot fully be yourself.
Whether it's lying about (or intentionally omitting to tell) what you did between leaving work and getting home or who you're hanging out with, being overly protective of your privacy when texting someone, pretending that nothing is wrong when something is bothering you, engaging in habits or behaviours behind your partner's back, or something else - if you or your partner feel the need to hide details about yourself, your life or your activities from the other, this is a sure sign your relationship is in trouble.
One or both of you keeps trying to "catch" the other
The flip side of that last point is if one or both of you keep trying to "catch" the other doing something wrong. Perhaps you think your partner is cheating on you, so you start going through their Facebook inbox when they're not looking, or peeping at their cell phone when they've gone to the bathroom. That behaviour isn't ok. Either you need to decide to trust your partner, or you need to discuss your fears with them.
If you ever catch yourself snooping on your partner - or catch them snooping on you - you have some serious issues that you need to work through as a couple. If you two can't find a way to trust one another, whether it's because one of you actually is cheating or doing something wrong behind the others back, or because one or both of you have trust issues that are not the other person's fault, there's really not a lot of hope for your relationship.
If the issue comes down to insecurity or past baggage, it can be worked through, but the person who has the trust issue has to be willing to admit they have a problem and be willing to put the hard work into overcoming it. If you're insecure and you have trust issues, it's not ok for you to place the burden on your partner of just accepting that you're like that. They shouldn't have to. And if you're the one who's with an insecure partner, you should not have to just accept it.
One or both of you are keeping a (mental) tally
Whether it's keeping a tally of the money each of you have spent on dates, presents and/or shared expenses, or keeping a tally of "wrongs" committed - this is something that does NOT occur in a healthy relationship.
If you're keeping a tally, that's a good indicator that you think you're getting a raw deal, whether it's financially or emotionally. You feel like you're investing more, or contributing more, or doing more for the relationship than the other person. If you truly ARE getting a raw deal, then you need to consider why you're in the relationship in the first place. But if you're keeping a tally on either of these things because of some personal issue you have then sort that shit out, because eventually you are going to push your partner away. If your partner is the one keeping a tally, you need to tell them to cut that shit out.
No one should feel like they're getting a raw deal out of a relationship. Whether things even out 100% or not, they should basically balance out in the grand scheme of things and both partners should feel like they're better off with the person than without them, financially, emotionally and/or otherwise.
You keep having the same argument(s) over and over
If you keep fighting about the same issue(s) over and over, that either means that you're not actually working through the issues properly and getting past them when they come up, or you're just not compatible.
If the issue is one that comes down to a fundamental difference in your value systems or personalities, you've got to consider that this person just is not right for you. You can't keep trying to make a relationship work by assuming the other person will change, or trying to change yourself, especially when it comes to your values. It's OK for people to have different values, but for a relationship to work your values have GOT to align.
If the issue is something that stems from your or your partner's baggage, you need to work through that baggage as a couple (and as an individual) and commit to not allowing it to affect your current relationship. If you can't do that, you've got to be prepared to let the relationship go. Regardless of whether the baggage come from past relationships, upbringing, experiences, etc. if the same issue keeps cropping up, you can't keep putting a bandaid on it and trying to avoid it - you have to deal with it head on or eventually say good bye.
Your fights become personal
If your arguments devolve into personal attacks against one another, I'm sorry, but all bets are off. Resorting to insults is an indication that you are more concerned with "winning" the fight than resolving the issue - an obvious sign that you don't respect your partner or your relationship.
It's normal to fight once in a while, but personal insults are lobbed for one purpose and one purpose only and that is to hurt. And if you love someone and respect them, hurting that person is not on your list of things to do. If your partner says things to you that are intentionally hurtful, insults your appearance, intelligence or character, or is demeaning toward you, that's not ok. Obviously, it's not ok for you to act that way toward them either.
Relationships can only thrive on a foundation of respect. People who respect each other do not insult each other.
One or both of you are finding excuses to avoid the other
If you or your partner actively seek out excuses to avoid spending time with the other, that's a big problem. While it's perfectly ok - healthy even - to spend some time apart either alone or with friends, it's not normal or healthy to avoid spending time with your partner. If you're avoiding your partner, or they're avoiding you, that's a sure sign that there are some unresolved issues pulling at your relationship (either that, or you just plain do not actually like each other). Figure out what those issues are and work through them as a team.
You should want to spend time together. Otherwise, why would you want to be in a relationship with them in the first place?
One or both of you are comparing your relationship
If you're both generally happy in the relationship and feeling fulfilled, you won't feel the need to compare your relationship to others. If you or your partner often find yourselves comparing your relationship to Matt and Sarah's down the street, that's a pretty good sign that either something is missing, someone is not getting what they want out of the relationship, or someone is feeling insecure.
Figure out what it is that is causing you (or your partner) to make these comparisons and work through it. If one of you is feeling insecure, they need to be reminded that they are loved and appreciated, and they need to remind themselves that they are loved and appreciated. If one of you feels like something is missing, or you two aren't where they thought you'd be at this point, you need to talk about whether there is another step that you should be taking as a couple and whether you're ready for that. More importantly, if that next step is marriage, you need to decide whether this is the person you want to marry or not. If they're not, it's not fair for either of you to keep hanging on.
A lot of relationships end this way - getting to that point where there's only one step left to take so it's either time to get married or time to break up. Make sure that when your relationship does hit that point you make the right decision! You should NEVER marry someone because you feel like you have to.
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