It's been more than two years since I lost my love due to winter weather. When I was informed by the police of the accident I remember the room spinning and not being able to breathe, only to awaken two minutes later to the cop shouting my name. For the briefest of seconds I thought it had been some horrible joke or even a nightmare. I couldn't speak, I had no idea on how to do it. The officer kept talking to me telling me it was quick and she didn't suffer, trying to make me feel better I suppose. I remember thinking over and over "Did I tell her? Did she know? Did I show her?" The cop helped me to my couch and kept me company until they managed to track down my Father.
My Dad was never good with emotions and when I saw him and my step mother in the doorway I just broke down. Jackie was gone... For four truly wonderful years I knew what love was. I was made for her and now I was alone. Life seemed empty and cold. At the funeral I felt angry that I couldn't be angry at someone for my loss. How do you get even with Winter?? For months after I was a shell of what I was with her. I barely spoke and hardly ate. I kept waiting for her to walk through the door. The more people that knew about it the worse I felt. The sympathy was killing me, I couldn't live in denial. Every time they said "Sorry for your loss" I kept reliving that night.
A year after the accident I finally looked in the "Foxy" box. I had many names for her but it always came back to Foxy. Every note and small item she had ever given me is in there. From our first date to our last night we wrote each other little love notes. Looking through it all I was reminded of the depth of our love. She was the reason I started playing with Play-doh again and in that box is the first container of it. The coloring book we drew in together, my favorite birthday slinky and the Bear cards she collected for me as that was her nickname for me.
She always loved me for my child like behavior. She encouraged and participated with me in it. She used to say, You have all day to be an adult but don't forget to take recess. She used to text me to ask if I had played today. I'd always reply with Playtime is not as fun without my Fox. For her last birthday I built her a Sheet Fort and brought her supplies all day. Basicly pampering her like a Princess even though she was my Queen.
Remembering all of that I was flooded with all the best memories and she was right there again. I could feel her warmth and smell her vanilla sugar lotion. I heard her laugh and I found myself again. When I asked myself, Did I tell her, did she know, did I show her? I told her every day, She knew my heart and I showed her my love every lucky day I had with her! And thanks to someone else's future Queen I was reminded of my Foxy's favorite poem from her Honey Bear:
What can I say to her that hasn't been said in prose
I care for her more than the most child centric memories
imaginations filled with playdoh and legos,
she's better than both of them combined,
castles besieged by dragons with damsels in distress,
Modern women dont need the save, still she likes to laugh when I try.
Fantasies I hold dear,
yet she means more to me than all of these,
it makes her smile while she questions my sanity,
when I say I love her more than play-gos,
ya I love her more than play-gos.
A heroic sherif protecting his town from the bandit hordes,
she's my faithful deputee yelling "You're Crazy" from across the square,
Pirates battling pirates on the open seas,
she's right there with me swinging from the mains,
saving the galaxy from alien scum,
she's helping me nuke them back into their hole.
Fantasies I hold dear,
yet she means more to me than all of these,
it makes her smile while she questions my sanity,
when I say I love her more than play-gos,
ya I love her more than play-gos.
Life forces us to behave,
but sometimes we have to act like a kid,
playing hookie from it all,
Imagining a world of play-gos
allows us to breathe.
I love you more than play-gos,
but remember to take a breath,
share my adventures exercising in make-believe,
where loving you more than play-gos became a reality,
that I could only ever share with you.
Ya I love you more than play-gos.
I miss her every day but every time I make a joke and start to play it's a little less lonely in my Hobbit Hole. I've been asked if I could would I change things? But because of her I wouldn't change a single second of my past pains for anything. And even if I live to be 99 it's a drop in the bucket compared to being with her again!
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Wow didn't expect that - Very sad and emotional, really sorry for your loss.
Oh my god. I'm so so sorry.
Thanks. The bad days are hard but there are a few good ones. Even one or two I don't feel guilty about. It's like I said I'm at a Meh moment right now slowly coming back.
wow this was really beautiful... teared up