A colleague at work came to me and was distressed about something. Like a real life GAG event, he asked me for advice about this situation he is in with a girl. I looked at the messages and recognised instantly that he was in the friendship zone. I gave him advice, he didn’t listen and guess what, a month later he is pissed because she is snogging another guy. My colleague didn’t know he was chatting to a guy who is a “friendship zone artist”. I've been friendship zoned more times than Kanye West has ruined a person’s Grammy win. So I thought I would give some friendship zone indicators for fun. You are in deep, blue whale friendship zone shit when:
She is very flaky and very distant on text even though you go out often with her.
My colleague is guilty of this. He thinks he is building her up slowly and getting to know her, and she will finally give into him. When she says things like “I really like you but I need space” or “we are good together but I have been busy” etc. You are friendship zoned and you didn’t create chemistry. In fact, when you mix water with more water, it will have a more profound chemical reaction than what you have in that relationship.
She tells you something like “you will make a great boyfriend one day” or “you will make one lucky girl happy one day” But she, and her friends haven’t touched you.
I remember sitting with my one crush, on my lap, in the night and she told me this. She knew I liked her and told me that to make me feel good about her indirect rejection. Man according to all my female friends, I was going to be numero uno in the “catch” department. I was like the lotto according to them ha ha.
You are her cock-block at a club. She uses you as a fake “boyfriend” at a club so she doesn’t get hit on by other guys. I’ve been better contraceptive for my female friends than condoms and pills combined. Been in several punch ups because of this.
You do favours for her hoping she will like you, but nobody, including her friends touch you.
Man, I have been there more times than the Kardashian family has gone for body modification. Especially when you are capable with many things. I gave the lifts, the study help etc, I even bought the entire bottle of alcohol for my “shooter girl” friend because she was tired and really wanted to go home but her boss was keeping an eye on her. That was an expensive bottle of liquor.
The Mother loves you more than your friend.
Lol…when your crush’s mom likes you, you are in shit pal. Not only are you NOT the guy mommy warned you about (no dashing bad boy here), but you are in with the family not her. You also get previews of the types of women that will finally like that type of personality: older 30 year olds and up doing laundry and shit. My friends mom invited me so often for savoury pancake night. I loved her pancakes lol, and I once got a phone call for my birthday, out of the blue from another friend’s mom. So weird.
You receive anonymous Valentine’s Day gifts.
Oh shit, out of the blue, you get an anonymous Valentine's Day gift saying something cute and wishing you an awesome valentines day. In school I got several and out of school I got one notable one. But no women ever came near me in THAT way. Hindsight: A friend felt sorry for you and gave you a gift. That notable one, some girl gave me this “You’re cute” Valentine's Day mug with a teddy in it. She left it by my gate. Never found who it was, so I threw a “Fuck Valentine's Day” party. Whoever destroyed that teddy best, had to down some tequila. There was nothing left of that teddy. The mug, my biggest mate threw it as far as he could down the road…was a helluva throw. Cheers mug. I later found out it was my friends girlfriend (who was at that party) who gave that gift to me. She saw the whole thing ha ha. Sorry Debbie!!
She gives you the dreaded “boyfriend not liking her” speech.
You are her shoulder to vent on about the other guy she is dating. She can actually give you a heap of her personal problems. Then you put in that awkward situation where you can't really help because you not winning in the relationship department either. It’s always amazed me how those who are good with relationships (usually the pretty ones), have all these not-so-successful-with-love friends as relationship advisors lol.
You get invited to her events (birthdays, clubs, fun things etc) but she doesn’t touch you and goes with other men.
That’s how friendship zoned you are. You feel that she likes you and you get the invite only to meet her boyfriend. You have clearly given off the wrong vibe Mr. friend man. When she trusts you that much as a friend, not only are you not going anywhere with her, but you also have to be second best to said man. I always hated that.
You in situations that should give rise to intimacy but she blocks you, quickly:
I've been here more times than an American gun runner has negotiated with ISIS leaders. For example, I was at her house with no parents and she gave me a haircut. Nothing happened. I dropped another one off at home after a party and when I made a move, she quickly kissed me on the cheek, thanked me for the night and got out the car. Sitting on my lap in the grass by ourselves and when I made a move, she said “no we not like that”. That’s when you are in the golden circle of friendship zone.
- And he lived crappily ever after
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