What it Feels Like to be in an Abusive Relationship

ThatGirl19
What it Feels Like to be in an Abusive Relationship


No one wants to be in an abusive relationship and it hardly ever starts off that way. Most of the time the other person seems kind and gentle and there are moments where they can come off aggressive but you don't think much of it. It isn't until you start falling in love with the person you see who they truly are and it becomes hard to leave because you love them. It usually has a lot to do with how you were raised too.



I used to judge women who were in abusive relationships and saw them as weak. How could someone stay with someone who is hurting them? My father was a drunk and abusive towards my mother and sometimes me and I hated her for not doing anything about it especially when he hit me. She would just watch and I went to school with bruises. I told my teachers whatever my parents told me to tell them until one day I confessed to my dad abusing me the night before when he left a red hand print on my face. My entire family was angry with me. My dad made a joke out of it and said he just got carried away that one night but it wasn't just one night and no one believed me because my father was very charming. We ended up going to required family counseling and I wanted to believe he was sorry and the four years of therapy worked but like I said my father was very charming. I grew up and got myself the hell out of that house and went to college.



College was supposed to be my fresh start where everything would finally be okay but my freshman year ended up being one of the worst years of my life. I made friends with a nice group of people and we went out to parties and had fun. Once after a party we hung out in one of my friends dorms and he introduced me to his friend. He was very attractive and simple and he invited me back to his dorm and I lost my virginity to him. That night was consensual it was rushed and impulsive but very much consensual.



After another party I invited him back to my dorm. We were making out and I went down on him and things became aggressive. He picked me up and threw me on top of my bed and dry humped me which I was okay with. We dirty talked and everything was fine until he told me to be quiet and put his hand over my mouth. My body went limp and he began ripping off my clothes. I told him no and asked him to stop and he told me he wished he had a condom. In fear that he would leave I told him we could have sex without a condom and he laughed. He put his hand over my mouth again and dry humped me some more and his face became cold. He kept trying to turn me around and I kept saying no and I tried to move myself away from him. The more I said no the more aggressive he got until he pinned me down and pulled down my underwear. He went inside me for a moment but I pushed him off of me and he stopped. The sick part is we cuddled after and he asked to add me on Facebook. He kissed me couple times and said he had to go and I begged him to stay. He kissed me again and put his number in my phone and left saying we would talk.



That next morning I woke up feeling strange. Something didn't feel quite right. I texted him and asked him to forget that anything happened and he texted me that it was cool he had fun and we should be friends. It took me 7 months to realize how it wasn't cool, it wasn't fun, and we couldn't "just be friends." He never acknowledged what happened and neither did I. I blamed everyone, including myself, but him. I still felt that I loved him and reached out to him whenever I was drunk begging for him to spend time with me. I even sent him nudes a couple times and I made myself look worse.



He was popular and attractive everybody loved him. I was never any of those things and as pathetic as it sounds the way he treated me was the nicest any guy had ever treated me before. He was and still is the only person I've had sex with. I'm not sure if I'll ever have sex again but after 7 months I know I want to have respect and love for myself. I don't like to say that he assaulted me I don't really know what to call what he did but the last thing I want is to be labeled as a victim.



Once you get yourself out of a situation like this it feels like there is no after. That I'll never be able to be a teenager again. I feel like I'm 1,000 years old and there's no point to life anymore. All I want is for no one to ever experience assault in any capacity. I hate how okay all of this is and after talking to friends they've all had similar experiences that were even worse with their boyfriends or hookups. Very rarely this abuse comes from people you don't know and it's so dangerous to ignore what happened. I believe accidents are possible that maybe he just drank too much but then you talk about it instead of ignoring that it happened. For a while I thought I wanted an apology or at least an explanation from him but I know now even if he gave me that he wouldn't mean it because I don't believe he saw what he did as wrong. I believe he thinks I should be grateful that he even looked at me since I'm not as attractive as he is. I'm not going to report him all I want is for him to pay. Not with money but in some life lesson kind of way. What I thought was love turned into fear but now it's just pure anger. Consent is so important so situations like this never happen. And it should be taught along with respect for others at a young age age so people stop abusing and hurting each other. Please make it stop.

What it Feels Like to be in an Abusive Relationship
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