A Second Chance at a First Kiss, And I'll Never Forget It

actualdisneyprincess
A Second First Kiss

As young girls, there was nothing we wanted more than to have our first kiss. To be loved and adored enough for one pair of lips to be pressed against another was what our young hearts burned for. It was an idea we giggled about at three in the morning at slumber parties on lazy weekends as we watched cheesy rom-coms and swooned over the handsome leads. It was an event we looked forward to almost as much as our wedding. Our wedding day was so far away it almost did not seem real, but a first kiss could realistically be any day, so long as the circumstances were right.



But circumstances rarely seemed to line up. The boys that liked me were not boys that I liked in return, and the boys that I liked either did not return my affections or were too shy to do anything about it. I watched my friends receive their first kisses from the objects of their affection, but I did not know what it was to know a man's lips. Ultimately, I watched boys come into my friends lives, and I watched them go. None of them stayed very long, so in a way, I was grateful that I could still hold onto the hope of that romantic first kiss from the boy I would spend forever with.



I was fourteen, a freshman in high school. He was fifteen, a sophomore in high school. We became friends. He seemed nice enough, but I didn't think much about him, though I was grateful to be friends with an older boy. It didn't take long for him to confess his feelings for me. He told me via text message, the ultimate romantic gesture of the twenty-first century. He was very sweet. There were two problems.


A Second Chance at a First Kiss, And I'll Never Forget It


Firstly: I did not return his feelings.



And secondly, dare I say most importantly: He had a girlfriend.



This fact alone dissuaded me from ever liking this boy in return. He had a girlfriend, a girlfriend that seemed to care for him very much, and he was chasing after me. He said he would leave her for me. I told him not to. I did not return his feelings. But we should still be friends.



Apparently we both had different definitions of what "friends" was.



He walked me out at the end of the school day, and in my heart I could sense he was about to do something. It seemed like one of those moments in those cheesy romance movies my friends had always watched, a moment in which the handsome lead would make the first move on the beautiful girl. Except we were just kids, and I did not feel the same way.



That did not stop him from stopping just outside the school, looking into my eyes, and pulling me close, putting his lips on mine. The kiss felt like eternity, though it was likely only a few seconds, and though I'm sure what he intended was to bring us together, with that kiss, he tore our friendship, and his relationship with his then girlfriend, apart. The rest of our high school relationship was awkward passes in the hallway and guilt on both ends, him for kissing me when I had clearly told him I was not interested, and guilt on my end for not pushing him away even though that was what I wanted to do.


A Second Chance at a First Kiss, And I'll Never Forget It


My first kiss was nothing like I imagined it would be. There were no fireworks. Butterflies did not beat in my stomach. Instead, it felt like a swarm of gnats. His touch lingered on my skin, and all I wanted was to feel numb. My friends all said that that kiss did not count. It could not be my first kiss. It was not consensual on both ends. They said it more to console me than anything. We had dreamed for so long about our first kisses, and mine had been nothing more than disappointing. Even if it wasn't that real "first kiss," it was still a kiss, and I couldn't pretend like it had not happened.



From there, I was determined to make the next kiss count. It didn't have to be with "the one," but I wanted it to be something better than a kiss with a boy I did not have feelings for outside my high school building. So I waited for the right one to come along. But he did not show for quite some time.



Fast forward five years to me at nineteen, almost finished with my freshman year of college. I still had not kissed another man. I felt impatient, but more afraid than anything. Was I not worth kissing? Did the boys I like just not find me attractive? Would I always be cursed to just missing those correct circumstances? Would it ever be the right time? I was told it would happen when I was least expecting it, but as an impatient young woman who craved love it felt like I was always expecting it.



But when I was least expecting it, there he was.



I met him doing something we both loved. I walked in the door and he was just sitting there. We made eye contact, and in my mind I thought he was one of the most handsome men I had ever seen. Little did I know, he was thinking something similar about me. We got to know each other over the next few months, and I never stopped thinking that he was just adorable. I was fortunate to learn so much more about him. He seemed very cool but he was a big nerd. He loved Star Wars and video games, and he was a great story teller. Soon it wasn't just his looks that drew him to me, but everything about him was like a new discovery, and I wanted to know more. Little did I know, he liked me very much, and before long, we were falling in love with every part of each other.


A Second Chance at a First Kiss, And I'll Never Forget It


We did not kiss for the first few weeks of our flirtatious romance. He wanted to be sure it was what I wanted, and though he did not know about the past of my kissing history, his respect for me and my desires drew me closer to him and meant the world to me.



We kissed when he came to meet my family for the first time at my home. We were sitting on my bed alone. His arm was wrapped around me and he held me close. We watched The Office and laughed at the absurdity of my favorite TV show together, and as the sun set and our eyes grew heavy, he looked at me, and I looked at him, and he kissed me. Then he kissed me again. And again.



It wasn't the most romantic first kiss from first glance. It was in the bedroom I had called home since I was a child, with my parents and siblings downstairs, on the bed I had owned for years. It was not outside in the rain, or in Paris, or even at the prom, but it was everything I wanted it to be, because it was with the person that was right for me. The fireworks were there, the butterflies, everything, because it was with the right person.



Maybe my first kiss at fourteen wasn't the most wonderful experience, but my second first kiss was everything and more. I wouldn't take back that awkward first kiss with the wrong person, because in the end, it made me appreciate my second first kiss with the right person, the person that became many more firsts.



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A Second Chance at a First Kiss, And I'll Never Forget It
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