It seems to be that many guys feel like they should have the girls who are tough to get. Or maybe they’re inadvertently being taught that they need to try hard to get the girl. Either way, it sends a lot of guys into a frenzy about getting the girl, and ending up feeling awful or hurt from it in the end.
Chicks are famous for dating the wrong men, but guys aren’t entirely perfect with their picks either. So again, this is not a Take that seeks to give particular advice but to try to put things into perspective for the guys out there.
Note: If I see that any reader has commented within 3 minutes of me posting this then I’ll know you didn’t read the whole thing and just wanted to have something to say, lol
The whole “nice guys” fight…
It’s been a pretty common complaint among men about being the ‘nice guy’ that women aren’t into, and it’s talked about pretty regularly here. Half of me understands the way they feel, and the other half feels like lamenting over it is a waste of time. Maybe you really are a nice guy. Maybe you really do have some great qualities and respect that women can’t appreciate. Or maybe you’re just saying you’re nice because you want women to think you are. Either way, you can’t change what they don’t accept. I know many guys have been upset about seeing a woman they liked choose some rotten guy, or ‘bad boy,’ over them, thinking she deserves better and that he as the nice guy is the good choice. I probably wouldn’t think she’s great either to choose a guy who’s clearly crap, but I also wouldn’t just believe you’re nice just because you say you are.
Here’s the thing truly ‘decent’ guys need to put into perspective: if you see that the girl you like is going with someone else who really is trash or what you can see is not really a great guy, you need to ask yourself, is she really the girl I want then? Why would you want to be with a girl who would pick somebody like that? It says a lot about her judgment and even her character. Hell, even their own girlfriends can see when a guy she's with is no good. As the saying goes, “A man/person is known by the company they keep,” and it remains true through all ages. Why feel sad or angry about being overlooked by a woman who’s picking something lower, lesser, or clearly asshole-ish? If anything, it should help you realize that she obviously is not the person for you and can’t be a lot better than the guy she’s with. Now if she chose someone who’s really not bad at all, just be happy for her and continue your search for someone else.
Women who are hard-to-get…
Another famous case is guys going after women who are hard to get, or who they think are playing hard to get. I understand that there’s a part of the natural male pursuit where a guy likes the challenge of trying to win a woman over, but fighting for a woman who’s already let you know she’s not interested just doesn’t make sense. I never go for women like that, and such behavior is a real turn off for me. When I encounter them and pick up on what they’re doing right away, I start pretending they don’t exist - I might say hi in passing but nothing more, and that’s what they really hate.
You have to ask yourself: why do I want a woman who’s not interested? What do I even gain from that? And if she really is playing hard-to-get, why would you want that either? Any woman who’s playing you for the chase can’t be very mature or intelligent, and is doing it for her ego: she likes that some guy is giving her attention and clearly showing that he’s interested, yet she wants to make him sweat to see him practically grovel, to make him prove how much he really wants her. That can’t possibly be any fun for you, can it? Also, a woman who likes to play hard to get, will still likely be that way even in a relationship. Types like that can just do the same thing with sex when/if she wants. She can decide ‘well, I want you to do something or I want to send you a message about how I feel so I’m not gonna give you any sex and see how it’ll affect you.’
Someone has foolishly taught guys that girls who are hard to get are what they should go after, and you need to undo that thinking. When you waste time desperately pursuing women who don’t want you, or pretending they don’t, you make yourself look pretty pathetic.
Women and “standards”...
There’s a lot of common talk about women having higher standards than men when it comes to sex and relationships, and that’s actually one of the biggest jokes of the situation. Females are often getting into bad relationships with guys a lot more often than I really think guys get in bad relationships with females. Many times women are latching on - or even hooking up - with guys out of a hasty or even self-important need for connection or a perception of love, knowing well deep down that the guy is either using her or just doesn’t really care as much as she does, but she’s stooping to that level anyway because she’s desperate. So what does that say about women’s standards and judgment? Females like talking about how desperate or urgent a guy is in wanting a girl - or sex with a girl - when females more often demonstrate desperation and hurt themselves giving it up to some guy in a one-night stand or blind-love relationship. I really don’t know of a lot of guys who go to those distances, or have had to.
As I mentioned earlier, the types of guys a girl hangs out with says a lot about her character, and also her standards. So, again, if you are clearly witnessing that a girl you like is interested or going with some guy out of desperation, then let that be a signal to you. Is that really the girl you want?
A few weeks ago I was coming home and had two attractive girls and their guy friend walking ahead of me. He was total garbage, pants hanging low (and he was white), hair an absolute dirty mess, tattoos - just the whole ugly 9 yards. Kept walking out into the street, and yet they seemed fine with him. Both of them looked clean, were dressed showing plenty of skin, but looked normal nonetheless, yet hanging out with this guy. One of them looked behind her and saw me coming and grabbed the guy aside so I could pass, and I snidely went on by, not looking at them. Despite how good they looked, the fact that they chose to keep company with a guy like that was a total turn off. It tells me about their character and “standards.”
I don’t want women who hang out with people I can clearly see are garbage - even some of her female friends, and you guys shouldn’t either. In fact the company a woman keeps is what I observe and what significantly helps me decide if she’s someone I want to pursue. Even here on GaG, when I found out that females I like are friends with other people here I see are rotten, that’s made me think twice about liking them. Women tend to become self-conscious about how they look in front of people they can perceive are decent or more intelligent while they’re hanging with people of lesser value, yet often aren’t self-conscious enough to want to end those friendships/relationships. Having said that, let this help you decide with women.
Women who use ‘nice guys’...
Probably what’s more frustrating to guys about being the nice guy who gets rejected is being the nice guy a woman uses when she feels like it. I’ve been in similar situations in the past myself, and it can definitely be a source of anger. A woman is fine with you as a ‘nice’ guy friend, but wouldn’t want to date you, only until she’s ready to use you falsely as an arm-piece to make an ex jealous, send a catty message to another woman she wants to make jealous, or when her sense of self-worth is low and she feels like you’re somebody she wants to be close to for the moment…….until she’s over it and ready to move on.
Females famously talk about guys using them and how hurt they are from it, and ready to start talking about if there are any “good men” left out there, when many of them are doing the same thing vice versa! Most women deny this, but then admit to it only if it can make them seem malevolently intelligent in being able to seduce or manipulate guys without them being the wiser.
Some years ago I was at the bowling alley, and my friends and I were hanging outside for a moment, and I was saying something to them about me being a gentleman. There was also a trashy girl standing out there smoking a cigarette (but that’s not what made her trashy), and she heard me say that, so she turned around and said, “You’re a gentleman?” And I said, “Yes, I am.” She then says, “Well, can you hold my cigarette for me while I go inside for a moment? Since you’re a gentleman.” She giggled about it slyly, knowing she was using me, and I was a fool to be so forward about being a “gentleman,” and felt like it standing out there holding her cigarette. Some of the older men sitting close by even laughed about it. I learned a lesson from that.
This is one reason why it’s important for you as guys to be careful about how much you say you’re ‘nice,’ and even in how much niceness you show a female, because they can take advantage of that when/if they want to. It’s a harsh truth but you need to know it. Being a ‘nice guy’ is actually not really the best image you want to have. So don’t be so quick and desperate to prove to any girl you like how much of a great gentleman you say you are. In fact, you really should not care whether she thinks you are one or not, nor do you need to prove it.
Being “friendzoned”...
I actually hate the new Gen Y term “friendzone.” Through the roof. It’s just another one of many millennial terminologies that sound stupid and insult young people’s intelligence and mental word-processing skills, to describe an occurance that really is not even new but what has been popularized by its term. However, I use it here to try to get on a level with you.
Just like with everything else I’ve said so far, if a girl you like is “friendzoning” you, why fight it? For whatever reason she would rather you be a friend than a lover, you have to just take it and keep moving. Is it disappointing? It certainly can be. Could she ever change her mind? It’s always possible. But it’s not worth it trying to wait around for it or slowly convince her to take you.
Another common problem I hear about from guys is where a girl they like or are friends with perceives him as not boyfriend material in the bedroom, so she would rather have him as a friend and act innocent with him, while she goes after another guy who to her is good and gritty and masculine and can be what she likes. Some guys have asked me how to win her over, how to show her that he’s not innocent and can be a naughty boy too. My advice is always to just be flirty with her in a naughty way as well. It either will or won’t work. It’s worked for me so it can work for you too.
But still. It’s ultimately not worth it trying to invest time and emotions in “getting out of the friendzone” *roles eyes* If she wants to stay friends with you, cool. Go with that. But be friends and pursue somebody else. Also, when guys keep popularizing the whole “friendzone” thing and complaining about it, it really just empowers females. It lets them know that guys are bothered by being put on the sidelines, and there is a degree of enjoyment females do get from seeing this, because it makes them think they’re the ones who can choose and put some guy in the “friendzone” whenever they want, so all guys are doing is basically giving their heads on a platter.
Walking away and walking on…
It isn’t weakness or defeat for you as a guy to keep moving and try someone else. I think some guys may think that not fighting for the girl is giving up or being a wuss, and in some sense it’s great when a guy is manly enough to really put action into pursuing the girl and not being the new age types who want the girl to approach, but also at the same time, it can be weakness to keep trying. That's when it does look like desperation.
I know it probably sounds like a broken record, but there are always lots of other women out there to choose from and go with. And it’s NOT the end of the world just because a girl you liked didn’t reciprocate. For me, it’s easy to move on to the next somebody, because I never get too attached to a girl initially in the first place. When I show interest and approach, it’s basically just seeing what the territory is like, wanting to get a feel for her before I decide I want to go further, and if she’s not interested, I drop it and go on to the next girl. In fact I feel awkward and goofy if I keep vying for some girl’s attention who really isn’t interested. At that point you’re really wasting your time.
There’s always somebody else. And this is what you as guys have to do too. Learn to let go if a female friend only likes you as a friend, or the girl you like chooses trash instead. When you keep pressing you DO look weak and desperate. Your life neither has to end from their disinterest nor revolve around what your chances could be with them.
Just because one girl isn’t interested or would rather have you as a friend, doesn’t mean there aren’t others out there who can appreciate you for more.
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