One of my ex-girlfriends, who is the person I’ve been with the most (almost 4 years) is one firsthand experience of seeing what I discussed here unfolding. We actually had a very good relationship until maybe the last six months or so where she started to become distant. I got a job offer a bit further from where we used to live, this while she was graduating from med school.
Over time, once she found a job and started receiving much higher salary than me I noticed she started becoming more distant (I assumed it was because of work). I visited her pretty much every week, and even though we still had arguments there wasn’t any strained feelings or bad chemistry between us despite the hectic schedules. The sex was still great (she initiated virtually every time we were together), and pretty much everything seemed perfect. As time went on, she became more and more distant to the point where I was feeling insecure, so I asked her to try to text me or call me a couple of times a day at least, because I was the one usually making initial contact.
We eventually sat down and I asked why she was distant, and she said “I don’t know”, which admittedly shred my heart to pieces at the time. She started hanging out with other people, from social circles she previously had nothing to do with and started making activities with her friends alone. I asked her to accompany me in trips, or to go hiking (or something else) but she always had excuses.
She later admitted that she never asked me to hang out with her friends and her because “my hectic schedule, and because I possibly couldn’t afford to go to those places”. Suddenly, I realized she no longer saw me in the role of a provider, no matter how good generally the relationship was, or the things I did for her. The relationship was great for me, and I had deep feelings for her at the time, but in her eyes it simply "wasn't working" regardless.
I didn’t take much longer until I told her if she didn’t want to do anything with me anymore, and she said she needed time. My pride took over me and I broke with her right in the spot.
Interestingly enough, we saw each other a week after, had sex and then I asked if she wanted to get back and she said no, it was over. And that was pretty much the end of it. This was the same woman who discussed getting married to me around 9 months earlier or so, in which I was very receptive and open to it at the time.
Women, of course, may have even larger considerations when choosing a man to commit to them. And many of them might even be personal preferences, in terms of physical looks, sex, character traits, values/moral views, etc… But what I’m telling you here is that every single decision women make is according to their directionality. If you consider what a female’s biological imperative is, which is security for her own, and for her potential offspring, you are going to get a good hold of what women look for in relationships.
Now, my personal experience is simply another of what many other men have gone through, and that’s just one of other examples I can provide firsthand. Note I’m not basing this on one experience, as I’m also giving you through and through explanation of it. As someone else responded in my previous take “most of this is well known by most guys after some experience”.
If casual sex is your thing, go for it as well, but you need to date women and get in relationships with them (live with a woman, if possible) if you truly want to understand what it's being discussed here.
Women pick their men in what they believe is going to fulfill them emotionally, and what is going to be utility long term. And all of their decisions, including the future of a relationship, will be according to that. Is this relationship sustainable long term? Am I wasting my time with him? What is he offering me, and for how long? Will I be able to pull him to my directionality? These are things that cross a woman’s brain, consciously or subconsciously.
Now, a lot of girls will be reading this and thinking that’s not how they think, and they consider their decisions on love, at least a much bigger part of it than what it is portrayed here. Most women will think that I’m merely exposing them as cold, and heartless. But it all comes to survival, and their search for security.
Remember menopause hits women when they turn 40, their menstrual periods stop permanently, and they are no longer able to bear children. Their hormonal compositions also change, which is reflected in their behavior. They get irritable and many people would refer them as in a “bitter” mood. This also is reflected by looks, as it is fact that what it is perceived as “feminine traits” decrease with age. They also have other physical responses such as hot flashes, in which many women at this point turn to smoking and drinking to counteract the effect.
Before anyone claims have a similar process they go through, I will clarify: Men at that point have a completely different experience. Men suffer what it is a gradual and slow drop in testosterone until a sizeable drop follows approximately in their 60’s, which usually doesn’t reflect in behavior as opposed to women.
This is known as andropause, which actually medical professionals still debate whether there’s an specific time where men get it, and even an specific “parameter” of hormonal changes in andropausal men, considering it’s a rather “marginal” change.
It’s also worth noting that andropause is treatable, unlike menopause, and men can be fertile until many years later, unlike women (though the quality and efficacy of sperm does decreases). A sudden drop in testosterone, which few men experience, may lead to depression. But the most common response from men in their 40’s is actually rather different, and many men start doing things they didn’t even do during their 20’s.
Now, where am I going with this?
A couple of things: You can’t disregard biology if you are a man looking for female validation (specially within a marriage) as this is basically your drug and you are going to have sexual drive for a very long time. Females are not out to validate their men and have sex, at least not long term and after the honeymoon phase. And second, you can’t, and won’t as a woman, disregard your biological imperatives either. As I have insisted, these things are intrinsic.
If you analyze a woman in her mid-30’s, about to hit the wall (closing her biological clock) you aren’t going to see the same girl in her early 20’s or younger who has all of these aspirations, and fantasies. I don’t even have to explain women having baby fever, right?
Many women wanting to settle down, and have families in their late 20’s/early 30’s isn’t a rare occurrence because that’s how biology functions, even though some women abstain from having children.
Whether women get awareness of their directionality or not at some point it’s debatable. But it is important to understand that an emotional attachment for a man does not supersede their biology.
Love won’t make you please your man for all of your marriage, and validate him. Your biology and your priorities change (especially if you ever have children). Your love isn’t going to let you stay with a man if you feel he won’t drive you to your direction. You will consider your relationship based on your direction, and you are going to project this just as many other personal things to your man and to your relationship. And that’s why women need to recognize these things.
I’m going to share one final extract from a study, before signing off:
“Men who have all four clusters of desirable characteristics, of course, are rare, highly sought after, and hence difficult for most women to attract and retain. Gangestad and his colleagues (2000, 2007) argue that men with good-genes indicators are likely to pursue a short-term rather than a long-term mating strategy, and hence be reluctant to commit to one woman. Consequently, according to this argument, women have evolved adaptations for choosing a high-investing man as a long-term partner, while securing good genes through extra-pair copulations. In short, Gangestad and colleagues propose that women have evolved a mixed mating strategy, with the proper evolved function of female extrapair copulations (EPCs) being securing access to superior genes. Versions of these arguments, albeit without using the concept of “tradeoffs,” also have been previously advanced by Symons (1979, p. 207), Smith (1984), and Buss (1994, pp. 90-91).”
This actually reminded me a lot of a comment I got in one of my other takes from a female:
“Attractiveness means health, having a healthy baby is def a good thing. The only problem is that attractive men are presumed to be less likely to take care of said baby. So if we're honest the best thing to do is settle down with a stable man and have sex with and get pregnant from an attractive men “
So…
Are these men, as expressed in the extract, evil for their unwillingness to commit? Or, are men evil for their capacity of engaging in parallel relationships? Are women evil for “cheating” in cycles (finishing one relationship and entering another immediately)? And, as this study suggests, are women evil for developing interest in other men (sexually) while in a committed relationship?
That’s up to you. But this, in a nutshell, is how relationships work and why females do what they do in relationships, and why they look for all these things. It all comes down to security for them, because that’s what fulfills a woman emotionally. Very unlike those romance novels they love to read, isn’t it?
Final Thoughts
Older couples have sustained monogamous traditional relationships based on past traditional values and a different social environment, as I explained here. But we live in a completely different society now. Also, many people just stay together for lack of options (this happens too, unfortunately).
Many men suppress their desire to feel validated in marriages because they lack options, and women stay with their men in marriages because they do not have other options either. Other than the fact that they achieved their biological imperative, assuming they either found security (stability), and have kids.
The hard pill to swallow to all of this (the dreaded red pill) is that these things are mating strategies women have applied and perfected throughout history, and for them it is expected (as a collective) for men to commit and marry, because that’s how their nature is wired.
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