My boyfriend is a virgin and he can’t get over my sexual past. We’ve read that hundreds of times already. Usually, when a girl posts something like that she gets a lot of replies explaining how mentally ill the guy is. And assuring her sexual past is none of his business. Which ultimately implies he should accept her just like she is. What happened in the past stays in the past and what not.
Well, not so fast. For a start, since our past makes us who we are, our past is (and should always be) a concern for our partner. And our partner has not only the right to know but also the right to make a decision based on that information. The funny thing is we see people who pretend to forbid breaking up with a girl based on her past sexual history, who at the same time would break up with someone bases on their looks. A girl’s past could be, or could be not, her present. If a girl had many one-night-stands and friend with benefits, or even if she cheated in the past, it doesn’t mean she will do that in the present. But her boyfriend has the right to decide if he stays even knowing that she has changed.
But all that could be going on inside a perfectly healthy mind. What about the mentally ill boyfriend, then? Most of the time, when a girl posts this situation on the internet it’s because the thing is out of control. Most probably the guy has a severe retroactive jealousy and he can’t stop thinking about his girlfriend's past. It isn’t just someone disapproving of his significant other's past behavior. He is not just being judgmental. He’s suffering an obsessive disorder which should probably be treated with therapy and medicine. It isn’t a matter of will and you can bet it isn’t a pleasant situation at all, and it could easily lead to panic attacks and severe depression. I must admit that this point is usually right. But I think the people who write comments don’t mean exactly this. They just use another way of insulting the guy.
A guy with no previous sexual experience will hardly accept his girlfriend's sexual past. If that can be challenging for a guy with an average sexual experience, think about a virgin guy who has no reference about how his girlfriend handles herself and thinks about her previous sexual partners. But moreover the guy will assume his girlfriend is going to compare him with her previous lovers (and let’s face it, she will). Even if she doesn’t mean to, she will compare him as soon as they have their first sexual encounter.
William Faulkner said “The past is never dead. It’s not even past”. And he was right. The past stays in the past only when no one knows about it. If your boyfriend knows what you did. Or if he meets your ex-lovers. Then the past is in the present. It’s not longer the past. If your boyfriend sees you talking to your ex-friend with benefits, what he actually sees is you talking to the guy you had sex with...and that hurts.
But then, we all probably know what I wrote before. The point is what do you do if you are the girlfriend of a virgin guy who can’t handle your past? You can break up. That will most certainly put an end to that suffering. Although I understand many girls won’t take that path because they don’t want to lose him. In that case let me empathize and say that there is little you can do to take away his insecurities or his obsessive thoughts.
But here is a creative idea- if you are one of those girls in this situation who strongly believes the past stays in the past and your boyfriend shouldn’t care about that, you actually have an option: Let him go out there and have sex with a bunch of girls. Let him build up a little of sexual past for himself. Then let him come back with you. When he comes back, whatever he did is in the past. Because the past is anything that isn’t just now or in the future. Letting him have his own sexual past would be a really good way of proving your convictions about every one’s sexual past, and how everyone should accept his or her partner's sexual history.
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