I was reading an article on Elephant Journal titled "The Bad Habit That Almost Ruined My Marriage" by Lynn Shattuck. In this article, Lynn was writing about a realization that she was ruining her marriage because she was becoming obsessed with keeping score.
Professionally and personally, I find keeping score in relationships to be both natural and healthy, although there are some nuances to explore.
For the purpose of this MyTake, I'm going to dissect two particular sentences she highlighted in her article.
1. "Scorekeeping is inherently divisive."
Let's separate two distinct acts right off the bat. Keeping score and doing something about the score are two very different things. We don't need to take a specific action or say a certain word to know where things stand in a relationship. We know when we are giving more than we get because of how we feel about it. In this, we are always keeping score. The person on the baseball field can flip the numbers on the scoreboard until the cows come home. Now, if we feel like we're on the wrong end of a 13-2 score, we can choose to do something about it. This would be different than keeping score. This would be doing something about the uneven score.
Can this be divisive? That depends on the approach. Are we screaming? Are we being unruly and not letting our partner get a word in edgewise? Perhaps this would make the situation divisive. But the simple act of bringing up a consistent disparity in a relationship is not divisive. It's called seeking an equal partnership and putting your concerns about its current state on the table.
If we're going to tell people that keeping score is divisive, we better train people to hide what comes naturally to them: awareness. We have all been in situations where we gave more than we got. It does not feel good and we want to understand why the score is so uneven.
"Why is my partner, who I spend so much time and energy giving to, not reciprocating? How can they be so clueless, selfish, or self-absorbed so as to completely nullify my needs as I attend to theirs?"
2. "People who keep score grasp onto what they’re owed. Then, when they need something, they let people know they’re owed."
There is a very transactional feeling to the word "owed." When I am in a partnership with someone, it's not about being owed. It is about give-and-take. It is about sacrifice and compromise. And most importantly, it is about each person taking care of the other person.
As we've already surmised, everyone keeps score. And in keeping score, there are times when we realize that we are consistently giving more than we get. In this, addressing the inequity isn't about feeling owed, it's about wanting to be respected. We have the natural awareness of the score and the self-respect and courage to address it.
Now, there are situations where keeping score and doing something about the score can be divisive. I had a client that wrote down everything she did that she felt exceeded what her boyfriend did. She clearly felt as though the give-and-take was so bad that she had to document it. This goes well beyond natural awareness, and one may rightfully ask why the couple is still together if the feeling of inequity is so high. As well, there are people that turn combative when addressing the uneven score. They have an idea in their mind about what their partner should be doing, but rather than seeking to understand, they go into accusatory mode and threaten the relationship at its core. Keeping score and doing something about the score can be divisive and unhealthy in these and like situations.
That said, let's not continue to associate keeping score in relationships with words like divisive or unhealthy. We all do it! Our own awareness makes keeping score a natural thing and addressing the uneven score is an important step in establishing desires and expectations in a relationship while simultaneously teaching people how to treat us.
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