No, You Can't Check My Phone.

At least once a day, I see people posting about one of the following scenarios:

1) asker suspects that his/her S/O is cheating and wants to know if it's okay to check the other person's phone, or

2) the asker checked his or her partner's phone and got caught; now, his/her partner is upset and the OP doesn't understand why because "if s/he loved me, s/he'd tell me everything".

The answer to both is a resounding no from me. And here's why:

No, You Can't Check My Phone.

I'm aware that this generation overshares via social media; it's become so normal that keeping anything to yourself these days seems "weird" and is automatically deemed a reason for suspicion. But surveillance in relationships is dangerous because it erodes trust and is a breeding ground for misunderstanding.

When you look at your partner's phone or social media accounts, you're only seeing one side of that person: you have a ton of data about your partner, in the form of Likes, dislikes, etc., with absolutely no context to any of it... So, if you go snooping to soothe your paranoia, chances are that whatever you find will have the opposite effect.

If you share absolutely everything, there's no mystery to keep you hooked. All the magic is gone, and the spark that keeps love alive over long periods of time will disappear.

When I was a kid, I lived in a small apartment and shared a bedroom with 3 siblings; I couldn't even keep a diary, for fear that someone would find it and read it. My thoughts and feelings weren't safe anywhere- I often wrote at school and carried my binder with me from class to class... Then, at the end of each day, I would take any poems or stories out and hide them in my locker, where only I could get to them.

As an adult, I'm a very private person. I have nothing to hide, but I like keeping things to myself... and, if some guy wanted to violate that to prove something, he'd be out the door. I don't owe you "proof" of anything. And, if you're going to insult me by implying that I can't be trusted, chances are you aren't someone I want to be with.

A few years back (well before Steam, Origin, or any of those existed), I preordered a game that I was super excited for... But it showed up just as I was getting ready for work. So I put it in my desk, still in the plastic wrapper, for me to play when I got home that night.

When I got home, my then-boyfriend was on his computer... playing my brand-new game. Not only had he taken something that wasn't his, but he'd gone through my desk to get to it and had the nerve to suggest that I was the crazy one for being upset.

We broke up not long after that. No surprises there, of course.

These days, my now-husband uses Chrome, meaning that he's logged into everything 24/7. This means that I have full access to his email, social media accounts, and everything on his computer... but I don't check them, nor will I ever.

Why? Because I trust him, and he's demonstrated that trustworthiness in ways that don't involve me violating his privacy. Likewise, I know he's not on my computer reading my poems/school assignments/terrible fanfiction- I share my work with him if and when I choose to.

So maybe your ex cheated and you have a hard time trusting the opposite sex. It's happened to me, and I've experienced firsthand what happens when you let a lack of trust destroy your relationship.

Nothing like starting a brand-new romance off on the right foot with a winning line like "I'm clingy and insecure, and I'm gonna violate your privacy until you prove you can be trusted, which is probably never". Or at least that's what it sounds like.

If you don't trust your partner, get out of that relationship. If you don't trust someone, you can't possibly love him (or her) and should quit while you're ahead.

Vonasaurus out!


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What Guys Said 33

  • 1d

    If I was asked, I would respond, "If you don't trust me, tell me that before you go snooping through my phone. If you do trust me, you don't need to 'confirm" that I have been a good boy. If us staying together is conditioned upon me being able to prove that I am a faithful partner, then we are doomed."

    There are some things in a relationship that don't need to be shared. I don't want to see my girlfriend sitting on the toilet or clearing her nose or shaving her pubes. There are things she doesn't want to see.

    I had a wife who was paranoid jealous. She would ask who I sat next to when I went to bar association luncheons; if I sat next to a female, she wanted many more details and culminated with asking why I didn't choose to sit next to a guy. There is no degree of proof that ever satisfies such a person ("I had a wife" = we are now divorced.) Nothing was ever going to fix that problem so why give in to unreasonable demands just to prolong the inevitable?

    A good LTR takes love, passion, trust, and respect. If any one of those is missing, you are doomed. It is much better to just recognize the lack of trust early in a relationship and move on from something that will never work.

    Been there, done that! OlderAndWiser out!

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  • 6d

    A-Xactly!
    No trust, no privacy, no relationship.
    I do not share my account passwords to anyone simply because accounts are primarily meant to be accessible by it's owner only. I expect the same from any lady too.

    I have nothing to hide but if I have no right for privacy, then that is violating already.
    This whole "account password sharing" breaks the whole purpose of passwords and account security. I can't live under control or dictation by anyone else.

    So if I encounter a scenario, where I am required to compromise in a way of giving away my passwords or breaching my own privacy, that will be the moment where I part ways and retain my account security, passwords and privacy. Otherwise that CAN'T be good and will only get worse.

    Good job lady! :)

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  • 5d

    I wish I had more than one upvote to give you

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  • 5d

    My phone knows when it's "home" and stays unlocked. Same with my wife's. The only time I've taken advantage of that is to call my own phone to find it. I don't worry about what might be on there. What would snooping do for me?

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  • 6d

    I could honestly care less. Check my phone. Check my laptop. Check whatever you like. I'm loyal to my girlfriend and there's nothing to prove against that. Sure, I talk to other girls. Her best friend is a guy. I'm ok with it. She's ok with it. I know and trust that nothing is happening. She does the same. Everyone has their story.

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  • 6d

    I get your point, but what about all the people who have been betrayed? It's only natural they would want the 'insurance' of being able to look at a potential partner's phone... no?

    And maybe the guy was just looking for something when he found your game.. he might not have thought you wanted a game to be a deep dark secret... were you possibly overreacting?

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    • 6d

      If people can't get over they trust issues from other relationships they shouldn't be in another relationship and as for hell it shouldn't be the new persons problem to have to deal with that shit. They didn't do anything.

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    • 5d

      tell that to all those people who checked their so's phone, got caught, and have no idea why their partner is upset... because there was no problem, other than unfounded paranoia.

    • 5d

      @Asker, my suspicion rader is normally right. I guess they were way over their heads.

  • 3d

    I agree with this.

    One of my pet peeves is "what have you got to hide?". Nothing. But a relationship is based on trust. No trust, no relationship.

    Additionally, if I ever found out that I was having a conversation with a friend, and their partner was also reading that conversation, I'd stop talking to them. If I'm having a conversation with someone, it's between us.

    And, people who demand access to someone else's phone usually do so because THEY are doing something shady themselves, and so think their partner must be as well.

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    • 3d

      exactly. if you're that paranoid about your partner cheating, you're clearly up to no good.

  • 5d

    I leave my phone lying around all the time, and I couldn't care less if she wanted to look at it. Nothing to hide.

    Can't really imagine being in a relationship where there was a high level of suspicion. Not saying it couldn't eventually happen, but I certainly hope not.

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  • 6d

    I honestly could give a rats ass, I could tell you what you'd find on my phone right now if you wanted.

    I got nothing to hide nor really anything private on my phone so I don't care use it to your hearts content.

    Besides if you can't even trust your partner to be ok with what he'd see on it to begin with or trust your partner not to snoop while being on it then the relationship is doomed from the start because of lack of trust. Show your partner that you can be trusted and they will in turn do the same.

    Lol so your broke up because he played the game your wanted to play? Could you be anymore immature regarding about that?

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    • 6d

      first of all, don't assume~ it makes an ass out of you.

      nowhere in this take did i say that my reason for breaking up with him had anything to do with that incident. that relationship had many issues, and him going through my personal space was just the icing on the cake.

      as i said, i have nothing to hide. but i don't have to prove anything to anyone and i don't care if you think you're somehow entitled to my privacy: you aren't.

    • 6d

      first of all, don't assume~ it makes an ass out of you.

      nah I'm good.

      and everyone makes an ass out of themselves at least once in their life, it's just part of life.

      that is exactly the problem sweetheart.

  • 6d

    Thank you for sharing your opinion.
    Here I will share mine:
    I have no problem with sharing anything with my partner because I have 100% confidence in that whatever I have ever did or said could never be perceived as disrespectful or hurtful by my partner and that whatever they see will just further their knowledge about me.
    If they refuse to do the same I assume they don't have the same trust in themselves and I start thinking that maybe they aren't someone I would like to be with. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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  • 3d

    Everyone needs room to breathe in a relationship. One's phone should be that space. Otherwise, one will feel smothered!

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  • 6d

    That meme with the couple holding hands about trust hit the nail on the head. Once the trust is gone so is the relationship. Good take.

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  • 6d

    Well I just figure that translucents in the first stages of a relationship is important but then once you both feel. Committed you can switch the password to what ever you want and go from there. It doesn't hurt to just prove your clean and that they can trust you.

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    • 6d

      sure, but then your partner gets all offended because "oh, you switched your password, you must be cheating".

      it's a vicious cycle that will never end if you don't kill it in its crib.

    • 5d

      Thats why you both look at each others accounts from the start and then agree nothing weird is going on and then you both change them. So you know its not just out of spite or cheating you can see one another change the password and know its not to hide something.

    • 5d

      I mean its worked for like the entire 5 years I've been with my significant other. If she wants to check I'd be like go ahead just know I'm going to have to change it once your done for privacy reasons and you can watch me do it. Cause I have literally no reason to go run off with another girl that I'm willing to be as trancelucent as it takes to show that I'm not cheating.

  • 5d

    I have nothing to hide so wouldn't mind my girlfriend checking it. It's like I have anything that would get her upset on it. I would respect a girl who didn't want me to check her phone out. It's your own personal property and I have no right to see what you are doing on it.

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  • 5d

    Lol. That's why i stay away from social media. Im a tech whizz, but i stay away from shit like that. She can check my phone she ain't gonna find shit lol. Even if i was cheating, i could hide it easily. Girls dont know how to check phones properly Lmao. They are dumb.

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    • 3d

      your first point nailed it: cheaters are going to cheat anyway, and honest people are going to stay honest, regardless of whether or not someone is checking their phones. either you trust your partner or you don't, and that's the end of it.

  • 6d

    Just trust ur fockin partners, else it ain't worth it, peeps

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  • 1d

    I think you have a good point that there needs to be enough trust that your partner doesn't need to "snoop around to make sure you're not cheating" or whatever. But you should also have enough trust for your partner to share your own things with them. For example if my girlfriend asked me to give her my phone so she could check my messages, yes that would be completely over the top. But if she asked me to show her the pictures I took from last nights party or whatever I'd happily give her my phone and let her look. And if she could never ever let me touch her phone then obviously she either doesn't trust me or she has something to hide. There needs to be a balance on what you share and what you don't share.

    Also I'd have to agree with your ex that you were the crazy one hiding a video game from your boyfriend and then getting upset from him playing it. I really don't see the problem with that, unless he refused to let you play your own game after you got home.

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  • 6d

    You got it. Trust's the thing. Someone be like- oh they don't want me to check their phone because they are hiding something from me.

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  • 6d

    Loll so your broke up because he played the game your wanted to play? Lol you are immature as fuck...

    I don't think it was wrong to play a game you pre ordered... I men he also wanted to play it... What's wrong?

    Other then that yup going to each other's phone because you suspect that you are cheating is wrong...

    But not letting your so touch your phone screen if he didn't want to check anything Means you are hiding something... And you are cheating...

    If you really don't have anything to give then be open about it... Nothing wrong having some transparency...

    I know your are supposed to trust your SO but you should know that trust is broken behind sometimes back and not in front of them

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    • 6d

      They didn't break up cause of the game, that was just an example.

      And its not immature at all to be upset about it.

      Lets say you were absolutely in love with a food truck but it only visited once a year. You went to all efforts to catch it this year and ordered your favourite meal. You get it home and sit it on the bench for you to eat after you showered. You come back five minutes later and your partner has polished off your thirty dollar meal that you had waited all year to have. The food truck is now gone, and you will have to wait another year for it to be back.

      you're not exactly gonna be happy.

      What about a book you wanted to read, you're so excited to read it, you can't wait. But your partner has already read it, they start telling you what happens, effectively ruining the book for you.
      Id be pretty pissed off about that.

      The guy took something that wasn't his, that was still in its wrapping, opened it, and used it without asking. It was incredibly rude and to top it off he KNEW

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    • 5d

      @Popo21 yeaa right? As if the game can only be played once Lol

    • 5d

      @Popo21 either learn to read or go back and reread the parts you clearly skipped over.

      the game was in my desk. read: my private space that he had no business being in. what part of that did you not understand? lol.

  • 4d

    IF they have no trust in me, then I'll break up with them. Simple as that

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    • 3d

      exactly. if you don't trust your partner, you can't possibly love that person and would be better off breaking up with them.

    • 2d

      Ikr. If I can't trust my partner, or they can't trust me, we'll take about it first to try and solve the problem for good, but if that doesn't work, I got to cut it off. I want to be in a relationship with someone who I feel I could spend the rest of my life with, and if we have trust issues, then that would never work out.

  • More from Guys
    13

What Girls Said 13

  • 6d

    AMEN!
    It drives me absolutely nuts when I hear people both online as well as in rl (though to a lesser extent) insisting that all good relationships should permit partners to access everything- be it their social media accounts, email, and/or text messages. Because, according to them, if you have nothing to hide, then why not?

    Well.. because, regardless of whether I'm with you or not, I'm still my own individual. I'm still going to have conversations with friends that include information about me or information about my friends that is very personal and not something that anyone but those partaking in the conversation are in any way 'required' to know.

    I'm 99.9% open and honest with my boyfriend in regards to things that actually matter. In other words, I'll tell him if I'm uncomfortable being around certain guys who are present because of some very inappropriate things they had said/done to me in the past. Which is entirely different from him having to read some texts I sent to friends that gave a completely unfiltered account of things that are in no way relevant to my boyfriend or our relationship. 🤦

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  • 6d

    I SO freaking agree with this. My ex-boyfriend was so paranoid of everything and for the fact that I were to cheat on him (which I never would and never had in the past) that he forced me on the ground and took my phone, locked himself in the bathroom and went through it even though I cried and said that it was not okay for me. He also used to body-check me before I went to pee to see if I had it with me and would text anyone...

    So your phone is YOURS. Think about if someone went and opened your letters?
    Good post! :)

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  • 6d

    I agree. I don't want to be in a relationship where I feel like my privacy is being invaded. I don't want to be with someone who acts suspicious and might be cheating and I am not that kind of person either. If you can't just trust me then don't be with me.

    I don't need you looking through my texts and Facebook messages. No I'm not cheating, but those are still private conversations with friends that you have no business snooping on.

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  • 6d

    People who looking for stuff from your phone just wants to start trouble for any reason. I remember I send a guy friend in grade 9 this message : <3 <3 <3 you will need these. What I meant was he needs these hearts to stay alive in his game of pool. Now I didn't delete because the message itself is INNOCENT. But when I was log on my facebook account on my ex account and he was right there he saw the messages between me and my guy friend, grab the phone out of my hand and start looking through my messages without my consent. I remember I kept saying no he didn't respect me enough or he wouldn't had done it. Then he got mad at that message above ^ because I use the heart emoji and somehow that ended up as a way for him to say he couldn't trust me.

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    • 6d

      ex phone*

    • 6d

      Because of insecurity and distrust our relationship ended bad and I know he wants to get bad together. I will never take back, because all the bullshit he did because he too stupid to trust.

    • 6d

      back* I will never take him back*

  • 4d

    My boyfriend and I both have our fingerprints logged in each other's iPhones. We borrow each other's phones freely, and he'll text someone back for me while I'm driving or use my phone to google something if his is in the other room. I'd be able to snoop through his phone easily if I wanted to, but I never have, because I trust him.

    When my relationship with my ex started to hit some bumps, he suddenly became MUCH more protective of his phone. It later turned out that he was getting involved with another girl. The only real reason to be secretive about your phone is if you have something to hide. If you don't feel comfortable letting your SO borrow your phone or text your mom back for you while you're driving, then I personally think that is way too much secrecy for a healthy relationship. It's a phone, not your social security card. If you flinch when your SO picks it up, it's time to take a chill pill.

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    • 3d

      if you have a practical reason for being on the other person's phone, that's one thing. if i'm driving and someone texts me, i'll be like, hey babe, who is that? oh ok, tell him/her xyz.

      or if my phone died and i go, hey, can i use yours to check xyz? he says ok, that's all well and good.

      but

      if you can't trust your partner without 24/7 access to his or her phone, social media, etc., then you probably shouldn't be with that person. that's what i was getting at.

    • 2d

      I totally agree that intentional snooping is wrong and unhealthy. But that's from having total privacy/ secrecy surrounding your devices.

    • 2d

      different from*

  • 6d

    Million times yes!! I'm so sick of hearing stories of girls going through guys' phones and guys complying because if they don't, they will be branded as cheaters.
    I won't let anyone touch my phone. There is not one person in this world who will be ever granted a persmission to get near it.
    My personal, private life is mine and mine only. Even and especially when I'm in a relationship, I have a right to privacy and that won't ever change.

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  • 5d

    I've been betrayed a lot but I've never invaded someone's privacy unless you count social media stalking etc? However, if he does something to break the trust or rise my suspicions then I may go down that road.

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  • 6d

    My husband and I respect each other's privacy but also each other's peace of mind. We each know each other's phone passwords however we don't feel the need to snoop on each other either. It's just comes down to respecting each other's privacy as well as peace of mind

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  • 6d

    I couldn't agree with you more!

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  • 6d

    Great take. I dont check my bf's phone and he doesn't check mine.

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  • 6d

    Agreed. Trust is everything :)

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  • 5d

    I think you're overreacting lol
    Trust is built
    If you don't have anything to hide, why would you care that he played one of your video games? What if the poor guy wasn't snooping, but actually just wanted to play the game lol
    "I don't owe anyone anything"
    You kinda owe your partner a reason to trust you
    You can't act all "omg don't look at that" and expect them to not kinda wonder...

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    • 5d

      "If you don't have anything to hide, why would you care that he played one of your video games?"

      1) i paid for it, therefore it's mine.
      2) you don't go through another person's things;
      3) you ask before taking something that doesn't belong to you.

      "What if the poor guy wasn't snooping, but actually just wanted to play the game lol."

      see above. it's mine, therefore he had no right to take it without asking.

      "You kinda owe your partner a reason to trust you."

      there are ways to do that without violating someone's privacy.

      "You can't act all "omg don't look at that" and expect them to not kinda wonder."

      it's called basic respect for me and my space. if you go through my things and expect me not to be mad about it, you're the one with the problem and shouldn't be in a relationship until you learn healthy boundaries.

    • 5d

      You're immature and too omg privacy blah blah
      Don't be in a relationship then
      Stop whining like a child

    • 4d

      lol, i'm not the one who violates my partner's right to privacy because i crave validation. try again. :)

  • 4d

    good point

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