The Reasons Why 'Men Looking at Other Women When Accompanied by Their SO' Remains an Issue

Anonymous
The Reasons Why 'Men Looking at Other Women When Accompanied by Their SO' Remains an Issue

Let me begin by stating that this is by no means a way of judging anybody. But it is somewhat puzzling that, after this issue has been talked about over and over, it still remains problematic for most of us. After having read articles, comments, conversations on the topic and having personally observed this behaviour in men (or lack thereof), I have reached a final conclusion: we need to drop the act, start communicating better with other genders and add a pinch of coherence to the mix. As far as I have noticed, these are the main problematic attempts to answer the big question (since they create confusion and do not logically draw from one another, generating misunderstandings):

1. 'We're men, we look'.

Now, I might be wrong here, but this is an excuse I am hearing too often. Not any inconsiderate behaviour can be explained this way. I have heard the 'that's how men are' excuse from men and women both, so I am not even blaming you guys for this. In fact, it is understandeable that one would like a simple explanation to a rather complex issue. But this one's so simple that it can't possibly work. I am sure NOT all men do it and NOT all men do it in obvious ways that end up hurting their partners. Not to mention, it completely contradicts the 2nd comeback line I've seen much too often:

2. 'Women do it too!'

Well, dang, make up your minds! Is it a man thing or not then?

I can't speak for all men and women in this world, but here I am - a woman who doesn't do it. I'm not even making an effort, it's just how I am. Surely this doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me. Surely this means not all women do it and I am certain that not all men do it either. It is one thing to notice a beautiful person in passing, for 1 or 2 seconds, and forget about it seconds after - and it is another thing to linger on and start staring and maybe even creating some momentary fantasy as you go along. But I digress - so, is it a 'man thing' or just a thing SOME PEOPLE do?

3. 'He's with you, not with them - that means you shouldn't worry!'

WRONG. Many people are not, in fact, WITH their ideal image of how their SO should be. Many people actually do settle, even though they grow to love the person next to them and would not trade the emotional advantages of their relationship for a momentary physical pleasure. This might not be what we want to hear, but it is true nonetheless. And while women are aware that just because their SO is looking, it doesn't threaten the relationship, it is still unpleasant to actually wittness the attraction one's partner feels towards another person unfold right in front of one's eyes.

4. 'Cut him some slack, at the end of the day he still comes home to you'

... even though, given a guilt-free choice, he'd definitely go bang that hot blonde he was drooling after earlier today. But cheating has social implications he doesn't want to face. Sure he doesn't want to hurt you. But in a perfect universe where this wouldn't hurt you, you would definitely not be chosen for 'sexy time' night after night. What I am trying to say is that many people like to feel as if they have been chosen freely, not that they are being settled for. Or that their partner is loyal to them because society dictates it (or because they themselves dictate it, for that matter).

P.S. Just because at night you go bang your SO, it doesn't grant you the right of hurting them during the day.

5. 'It's purely sexual, no emotions whatsoever!'

Thank you, Einstein. We know there are no emotions involved. He doesn't even know those women! Even if he did, we still know it can't compare to the emotional connection we have going on. Our problem is obviously not about how he fantasizes about connecting emotionally to the woman whose boobs he can't seem to keep his eyes off. We are bothered that at the moment, he seems more sexually attracted to those other women than us. Simple and plain.

I dare to assume that, whenever someone in a relationship stares around in a hurtful manner, the one being hurt ends up more frustrated if the relationship itself is unsatisfying for them (or parts of it). For example, if your SO is sexually unsatisfied, they might be bothered that instead of being preocupied with increasing the sexual tension and pleasure within the couple, you are occupying your mind with other women. I often hear that getting turned on by other women somehow helps spice things up in bed with one's SO. Unfortunately, it's not that easy. And personally I have yet to work on understanding how I am supposed to enjoy sex with someone who gets turned on for it by someone other than me.

Finally, I just want to add that the assumption according to which being bothered by this makes us 'bitches' or 'insecure' is wrong. And hurtful. Much like it is to you guys when you hear preconceptions involving men - such as 'all men cheat' and 'all men are pigs'. Obviously, not true. I know women are still bothered by their SO staring at others and I know men are bothered that women are still bothered by it. I honestly believe that if we just improved our inter-gender communication skills, these misunderstandings could be sorted out. And, of course, this begins in private, within couples themselves. Maybe next time when you talk to your SO about this, the conversation could be more complex and trusting than 'it's a man thing' - 'oh alright' - couple goes out, man stares, resume fight.

Have a great day, everyone! And remember, I do not claim to speak for all men/women in this take. That's impossible.

The Reasons Why 'Men Looking at Other Women When Accompanied by Their SO' Remains an Issue
53 Opinion